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I'm so broken. Chizuk needed
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:23 am
We bh have a nice size family, kids ranging between 2-18.
My DH is a good person and helps me with the kids.
He was working to his bone for many years in the past to support our family.
Though he was a devoted worker and did his utmost to satisfy the bosses, Unfortunately bad Mazel fell upon him and he lost his job several times over the years (he was between jobs 2 times before).
His last job was extremely low pay and he had nasty boss who degraded him and put his confidence deep in the earth, we couldn't make ends meet , but wouldn't give up his job for fear of having 0 money to support us, he pushed through several years with this abuse until they made him give it up.
At this point, his self confidence is totally shattered. He can't see himself take another job.
(He also needs flexibility in the day and not work a 9-5 job, so that he can tend to my special needs childrens emergency situations.)
He tried doing things on his own without success.
By now, he is so depressed emotionally (physically he walks in with a smile and acts as if he's fine).
Hes totally at a loss at what to do next, that he does nothing all day (for income).
I am currently not able to work for several reasons.
We have no income.
He lacks motivation at this point.
He cannot handle the feeling of being poor, and the degrading feeling of letting people know that he is jobless.
(In the past when he was out of a job, he let everyone know he's looking for a job but it never led to anything concrete so now he doesn't have the courage to do that he's careful no one should find out).
We buy whatever we need to survive and thrive. The credit card will have to pay it somehow.
It's difficult on many fronts:
.no income, and he doesn't look for anything to do
.being careful no one should know our situation
.not speaking to anyone about our situation
.he doesn't feel a need to speak to a therapist
.He refuses to speak to anyone to guide us
.His confidence is so shattered and lacks willpower
.I shut my emotion chambers, besides for anger.
.I dont want to feel any emotions because I know I won't be able to handle it.
.crushing my emotions involves having no feeling to daven or reach via formal prayer to Hashem.
.I don't feel there's a reason to reach out to people because from past experience, I haven't seen people being helpful.
.we go through life now like robots. We do our duties for the kids, Yiddishkeit...
.I'm done trying to encourage my DH to do different new things to bring in income. BTDT
.we are making Bar Mitzvah very soon iyh, don't know from where we will take the means for it.
.Life is difficult.
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amother




Bronze
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:31 am
I am so sorry for your troubles. It sounds like you have so much on your plate. But the reality is that your husband will have a much easier time finding work if he can work regular full-time hours. You'll have to find another way of dealing with the child who needs help during the day. Please reach out to a rabbi or organization in your city so that someone can help you assess your options.

I hope things turn around for you soon.
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amother




Pear
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:33 am
HUGS You are going through a very difficult period. But the two of you can't give up. There ARE people who want to help. You just have to find them. There are Rabbanim, organizations, relatives, who will pitch in. Don't let pride stop you from asking for help. Yidden are Rachmonim and will not let you fall. Many people have gone thru this. Can you give a location so we can recommend someone?
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life is fun




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:40 am
OP I am wishing you loads of koach to get through this challenging time.
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amother




Crocus
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:41 am
reach out to Rabonim and organizations and a family or mighty special neighbor.
be ready for one yes to each 5 "no"
but try.Yes I agree that is he can do 9-5 with only a rare lonce in 3 months day off is better.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hUSjpFz5e4
I hope this ong gives you comfort. play it numerous times daily. or find another magic song that improves the moods there. my son loves this one. so now I paid attention to the words and the healing sounf and decided to make a shortcut to my desktop.
Financial strain in very very dificults, btdt and not out the woods yet.
LOVE YOU.
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:42 am
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
I am so sorry for your troubles. It sounds like you have so much on your plate. But the reality is that your husband will have a much easier time finding work if he can work regular full-time hours. You'll have to find another way of dealing with the child who needs help during the day. Please reach out to a rabbi or organization in your city so that someone can help you assess your options.

I hope things turn around for you soon.

I mentioned that he is not ready to try another 9-5 job at this point.
He is not a teenager, I cannot tell him what to do.
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:46 am
amother [ Pear ] wrote:
HUGS You are going through a very difficult period. But the two of you can't give up. There ARE people who want to help. You just have to find them. There are Rabbanim, organizations, relatives, who will pitch in. Don't let pride stop you from asking for help. Yidden are Rachmonim and will not let you fall. Many people have gone thru this. Can you give a location so we can recommend someone?

Please let me know who the special people and organizations are. Weve been looking out for them for a while. Haven't found them yet. We live in NY.
We have been reaching out to every organization, friends and family over the years in the past. Unfortunately when it comes to helping out, the husband has to be dead in order for people to have mercy on you.
I keep saying, why do we need to wait for someone to die in order to help out financially?
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amother




Pear
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:48 am
Please post a location so we can try to help.
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:50 am
life is fun wrote:
OP I am wishing you loads of koach to get through this challenging time.

I thought I dont feel emotions anymore but your support made me cry.
Thank you
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:52 am
amother [ Pear ] wrote:
Please post a location so we can try to help.

You're so special. I'm so grateful and feel so humble.
I dont think my DH will feel comfortable to accept tzedaka. We're people with dignity.
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s1




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:55 am
Sending hugs and sympathy OP. It must be such a nightmare for you to be in such a situation and feel so helpless and not feel able to ask for help.
Have you checked you are receiving all government help you are entitled to? Not sure where you are in the world but maybe there’s unemployment benefits, child benefit etc?
Check all your bills are as low as possible, eg gas, electricity, water, phone
Find out what gemachim there are locally eg for school uniform.
Speak to your Rov, he will be completely discrete and will be able to give you advice and financial assistance.
Is there a loan Gemach locally? This will be cheaper than adding to your credit card debt.
With regards to your husband, I know how hard it can be to persuade them to do things they don’t want to do. Beat trick I have found is to drop hints so they think that they’ve thought of the idea themselves. Maybe a part time evening job? Leave the local advertisers/newspapers lying on the table opened up to the jobs pages. Or maybe there’s a local Jewish organisation that helps people find jobs? A lot of frum employers are happy to allow flexibility with regards to timings of jobs so your husband would be able to take off in an emergency and work extra a different day.
Wishing you hatzlacha and strength. As Crocus says, I find listening to music can be a great source of inspiration and emuna.
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:56 am
amother [ Crocus ] wrote:
reach out to Rabonim and organizations and a family or mighty special neighbor.
be ready for one yes to each 5 "no"
but try.Yes I agree that is he can do 9-5 with only a rare lonce in 3 months day off is better.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2hUSjpFz5e4
I hope this ong gives you comfort. play it numerous times daily. or find another magic song that improves the moods there. my son loves this one. so now I paid attention to the words and the healing sounf and decided to make a shortcut to my desktop.
Financial strain in very very dificults, btdt and not out the woods yet.
LOVE YOU.

Thank you for taking the time to find this song to give us chizuk, I will listen to it through the day.
It's still night here, I just can't sleep.
A fellow member of the same challenge can understand better. Sorry that you too are in this situation.
Let's hope we both get through this challenging nisoyon with flying colors very soon.
I'm really touched by your caring.
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amother




Pear
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:57 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
You're so special. I'm so grateful and feel so humble.
I dont think my DH will feel comfortable to accept tzedaka. We're people with dignity.


No-one wants to accept tzedaka but iy'h you will get thru this hard time and pay it forward,,
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amother




Leaf
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 5:58 am
We were in a similar situation.
Also an issue that dh couldn’t just take a random 9-5 desk job at his age.
Someone trained him in with real estate management. The pay is good and he has some flexibility. He drives around a lot and is not sitting in an office.
For a few years we were like you. It was very hard and I’ll never forget. Never.
I hope things become much easier for you soon. Hashem should send you parnassa brevach and menuchas hanefesh.
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imaima




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 6:40 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We bh have a nice size family, kids ranging between 2-18.
My DH is a good person and helps me with the kids.
He was working to his bone for many years in the past to support our family.
Though he was a devoted worker and did his utmost to satisfy the bosses, Unfortunately bad Mazel fell upon him and he lost his job several times over the years (he was between jobs 2 times before).
His last job was extremely low pay and he had nasty boss who degraded him and put his confidence deep in the earth, we couldn't make ends meet , but wouldn't give up his job for fear of having 0 money to support us, he pushed through several years with this abuse until they made him give it up.
At this point, his self confidence is totally shattered. He can't see himself take another job.
(He also needs flexibility in the day and not work a 9-5 job, so that he can tend to my special needs childrens emergency situations.)
He tried doing things on his own without success.
By now, he is so depressed emotionally (physically he walks in with a smile and acts as if he's fine).
Hes totally at a loss at what to do next, that he does nothing all day (for income).
I am currently not able to work for several reasons.
We have no income.
He lacks motivation at this point.
He cannot handle the feeling of being poor, and the degrading feeling of letting people know that he is jobless.
(In the past when he was out of a job, he let everyone know he's looking for a job but it never led to anything concrete so now he doesn't have the courage to do that he's careful no one should find out).
We buy whatever we need to survive and thrive. The credit card will have to pay it somehow.
It's difficult on many fronts:
.no income, and he doesn't look for anything to do
.being careful no one should know our situation
.not speaking to anyone about our situation
.he doesn't feel a need to speak to a therapist
.He refuses to speak to anyone to guide us
.His confidence is so shattered and lacks willpower
.I shut my emotion chambers, besides for anger.
.I dont want to feel any emotions because I know I won't be able to handle it.
.crushing my emotions involves having no feeling to daven or reach via formal prayer to Hashem.
.I don't feel there's a reason to reach out to people because from past experience, I haven't seen people being helpful.
.we go through life now like robots. We do our duties for the kids, Yiddishkeit...
.I'm done trying to encourage my DH to do different new things to bring in income. BTDT
.we are making Bar Mitzvah very soon iyh, don't know from where we will take the means for it.
.Life is difficult.


BTDT

When you are depressed and at the bottom, you think noone cares about you and you are ashamed to reach out for help.

Please please please reach out to someone. World is full of people who can help and are ready to help anyone, either with a donation or a job connection
There are many more ways to find a solution than what we can imagine with our limited point of view.
I am sure your dh has developed some important skills during his years in the workforce. It will not be all in vain.
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imaima




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 6:45 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
You're so special. I'm so grateful and feel so humble.
I dont think my DH will feel comfortable to accept tzedaka. We're people with dignity.


Exactly.
In order to keep living and raise your kids in dignity, you need resources.

You also don't want to look back and say "this kids bar Mitzvah was so-so because we had nobmoney for basics".

This must be a big nisayon for people who rely on themselves but I think it is also not about you as parents right now.

If it were possible to set up some anonymous PayPal, I am sure many would be able to help.
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amother




Pear
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 6:54 am
Thank you, crocus, for posting that beautiful song It made me cry (in a good way)
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 6:54 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
You're so special. I'm so grateful and feel so humble.
I dont think my DH will feel comfortable to accept tzedaka. We're people with dignity.

I think she meant that we could try and help with job leads if you post where you live.
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amother




Charcoal
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:14 am
I didn't read every response but please take help from people! We have been in a position more than once where we would not have been able to put food on our table without help. Yes it was hard to take it but we were working very hard and just couldn't manage. Thank God we are in a better position now and I really do pay it forward and help others who I know are not getting help from other organizations. I mean I don't have a crazy amount to give but it feels so good to be on the giving end and I really try to do it in a sensitive way when people do not know that it comes from me. After being in the position I am so much more sensitive and I'm so grateful for the people that helped us out when we really needed it. So please do not be embarrassed to take the help. Whether you pay it forward or not doesn't matter but right now you need the help and that's why God set up the system this way so that we can help others and receive it when we need it.
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:16 am
watergirl wrote:
I think she meant that we could try and help with job leads if you post where you live.

Unfortunately job offers wouldn't be shayach for him now, as he doesn't have the confidence to go back to an official job.
He's been let down through it too many times. Crying
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