I'm so broken. Chizuk needed

amother

Pear

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:22 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Unfortunately job offers wouldn't be shayach for him now, as he doesn't have the confidence to go back to an official job.
He's been let down through it too many times. Crying

No I actually meant getting actual financial help.
OP, what would you tell a friend in this situation? Give up?
You would encourage her to reach out for help. It will be temporary, iyh. Things will get better.

amother

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 7:38 am

To all who responded to my post, I'm so touched by your support and am crying.
Thank you for reaching out to help us.
Though I know we can use your help financially for my families sake, I will decide if we should accept.
To those who tell me to reach out to others for help, as I mentioned before, we did that in the past and felt let down.
I can't make myself vulnerable again now, we want to keep our tiny bit of dignity that's left in us still.
We did reached out then, we weren't really being helped. We don't have the emotional strength to let ourselves down like this again.

PinkFridge

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 8:14 am

amother [ Pear ] wrote:

Please post a location so we can try to help.

You cross-posted. She said NY. Just posting this here for people on p. 2 to see.
Amother pear tizku l'mitzvos.
And OP, this is exactly who tzedaka is for. I don't know which of Rambam's 8 stages of tzedaka you're at but it's literally v'hechezakta bo, to build him up and encourage him. And your family.
And iy"H you'll be able to pay it forward. Maybe not exactly the same way but in meaningful ways, even before you're fully on your feet (which I daven should be very very soon!). You can daven for people, make chesed phone calls, help neighbors in little ways.
I can't tell you not to feel like your dignity is suffering; it's normal to feel that way. But you should still hold your head up high.

watergirl

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 8:38 am

amother [ Pear ] wrote:

Sorry, I misunderstood.

OP, I am davening for you and your family.

amother

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 8:41 am

PinkFridge wrote:

Pink fridge, you touched a raw spot in my broken heart and made me feel better. I really appreciate your kind words.
I am actually trying to help out many people in different ways bh. I stretch myself to help families in need in many areas, including calling organizations to help them out.
As long as we don't announce our status, we hold on to our dignity somewhat and try to keep our heads held up. We're going as far as being careful our older children shouldn't realize the situation. My DH wouldn't come home from morning, till evening when they're home, so that they shouldn't realize. They did ask about it and we denied it. We cannot afford the shame, and their bad feeling regarding our unfortunate status.

amother

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 8:55 am

naomi2 wrote:

Maybe there is a way that you could go to work instead of him.

Without going into detail, for fear of giving away my identity, I had mentioned that there are several reasons I cannot work at the moment.
Though I am doing my utmost hishtadlus to bring in as much as I'm physically and emotionally able.
Far far from what we need though.

amother

Azalea

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 9:10 am

im sorry for your dh, I go through what he went through with nasty bosses...I have very little confidence but go to work each day bec my dh is not successful and we need to pay our bills

if you cant work and your dh is depressed and cant work, then something needs to change....meaning that maybe dh can go to a life coach or therapist to build him up so that he can build up his confidence to be able to work in the future...(although you said he cant work 9 to 5, needs to be home with the kids, but can you be home with the kids so that he can work after building himself up?)

im sorry for what you are going through.

PinkFridge

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 9:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm glad my words were comforting. And I hope that all the help you get includes coaching. Having someone to bounce these scenarios off on IRL can be helpful.
Kol hakavod for everything you do.

amother

Forestgreen

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 9:47 am

Hugs op. I cannot imagine how hard it is. I hope you are taking advantage of all government programs. With a big family you can cover a lot. Also you can get unemployment for your husband.
You can ignore if you want, but I will share some tips and insights I learned. Be supportive of your husband. Spend time talking to him and going on walks (not about work). Just show him that you care about him and believe in him. Do your own research on part time stuff he can do such as real estate, programing, appraisals ect.. think about his strengths and do your research and present it to him in a non judgemental way. If he is resistant (most likely will) keep trying to convince him in a nice way.

I hope your situation changes for the better fast, yeshuas hashem keref eyin. Just keep believing that it can. But you need to do your hishtadlos to let hashem let in the bracha (this was my experience.)

amother

Jasmine

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 11:10 am

Hi, OP! Hard bosses are the worst. They really are!

If you post a location we can try to think of jobs or network with you for your husband. I really do get the feeling of being burned out.

All the chizuk you’re getting here you need to pay it forward. Your husband needs it too. He needs the confidence to say “I’m going to try this!” My own husband has had moments where work makes him feel like nothing, and I spend my time praising him for how much he helps the family and what a wonderful person he is.

Both of you not working until the end of time is not a viable solution, and I get that both of you have challenges, but let’s think positively and optimistically that the next job will work out. What are his skills?

amother

Lavender

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 12:05 pm

I have been where you are. It's really scary.
I know the feeling of being very angry and frustrated with your spouse and not knowing what to say that would make a difference. Feeling that every conversation ends in a fight. Wanting to be supportive but also wanting him to take responsibility and be proactive.
In my case I ended up getting a job and being the main breadwinner. It works out for us. During many periods we had to practice our emunah and bitachon. Hashem always came through for us and we always had what we needed. We did have to revise our expectations and be careful not to compare our situation to others. Even now when we are financially more stable B"H it's still an avodah not to look at others who live more comfortably than we do.
I know when you are in the thick of it it can be impossible to see the way out. Now is really the time to turn to Hashem and ask for his help. The yeshua will come when you least expect it.
Davening and putting your trust in Hashem is not the same thing as sitting back and doing nothing. You're still doing the best you can to cope and figure out a way. But now is a time to acknowledge that you're in a situation that exceeds your current capacity and you need open revealed blessing from Hashem. I talk to Hashem like this all the time. I say, look, Hashem, I'm doing the very best I can do. You decided I should be in this situation so now help me figure out how to deal with it.

amother

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 1:11 pm

I have to say that your responses mean alot to me, it gives me chizuk and is really appreciated.
I do give DH lots of encouragement and am trying to be positive. I know it's not his fault because he really tried his best. He's not a lazy guy who refuses to put in effort. He doesn't know where to go from here. He also doesn't want to be the rachmunis fin shtut... He doesn't want people to gossip about our status.
This situation is so painful for him, he wants to provide and feels like a failure.
He is not the type to complain or talk about his personal issues with a rav or therapist or friend.
We both applied for positions we feel we can be good at. I keep encouraging him to try a new type of job that he might be good at might make him feel good, though his confidence is so low that he doesn't believe he will be successful there.

amother

Leaf

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 2:29 pm

Consider suggesting that he takes a job in a seforim store. It’s respectable and in a good environment that doesn’t really require training aside for the first day. I know someone who did this recently and felt good about himself.
Or a remedial (tutor) rebbe in yeshiva.

rachelleb

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 4:24 pm

WE were in the same boat. CHIZUK Is ZEDAKA and ZEDAKA is CHIZUK. BEZRAT HASHEM you will accept all types of CHIZUK. If your husband won't accept ZEDAKA .it's mitzvah that you accept it discretely. A woman has incredible BINAH. YOU MUST STAND strong with EMUNA . Listen to CHIZUK on line daily with a bluetooth. DO HITBODEDOOT and verbalize gratitude.EMUNA IS POSITIVE IMAGINATION. IMAGINE A BETTER day. Go for a walk .Go to the park speak honestly to Hashem about your problems and switch to GRATITUDE.The torah and practice of R NACHMAN of BRESLEV will help you continuously keep your wifi up and connect to the Tzadik and Hashem and help you minute for minute help you discern that this moment is different than the last moment to make decision. BE discrete with your decisions because only you are able to discern what is right for you and your family.DANCE, SING. JOKE AROUND. SPEAK POSITIVELY .SMILE. FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT .
BRACHA VE HATZLACHA ! MASHIACH NOW ! BEZRAT HASHEM, CONTINUE TO GO FROM SUCCESS TO SUCCESS. PARNASSA TOVA !

amother

DarkYellow

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 4:42 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

As a temporary measure, maybe he can drive for uber or uber eats? A friend of mine just started that. It is very flexible in terms of hours.

Good thought and maybe OP could also get a part time job for the meantime.

amother

Pumpkin

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 4:51 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Please let me know who the special people and organizations are. Weve been looking out for them for a while. Haven't found them yet. We live in NY.
We have been reaching out to every organization, friends and family over the years in the past. Unfortunately when it comes to helping out, the husband has to be dead in order for people to have mercy on you.
I keep saying, why do we need to wait for someone to die in order to help out financially?

I'm sorry if what I'm posting is not helpful- in NY there are programs for special needs children-respite care etc.
your child might be eligible for OPWDD, which can possibly provide you with home care, cleaning help and funds for transportation to appointments etc.
it's a lengthy process to get on, but once your on, it's until the child is an adult....
hope this is helpful...
if your child is not eligible for OPWDD then there's also something called HCBS, it provides family support, respite, etc. (OPWDD provides more- you can apply for OPWDD which is a long process, and in the meantime go on HCBS which takes quicker to get on)
hope this is helpful in some way!!

amother

Pumpkin

Fri, Aug 06 2021, 4:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

wanted to add you sound like such an incredible amazing wife! you're understanding the pain and shame of your husband and his deep desire to provide for you and your kids. may you know only Bracha and simcha from now on!