Balancing Being a Good Wife & Mom & Being a Good Employee

pippy93

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 7:28 pm

I thought I wanted to be a stay at home mother, but then I saw that it was much harder than it looked. Kol Hakavod to all the women that do it. It is a real FULL time job. No breaks, no vacation/ sick days....I chose to go back to work after I saw that I couldn't be a stay at home mother. Now I'm worried if I made the right decisions. I know I would've been stressed out with anxiety all day if I stayed home with the kids. As it is I am very nervous when one of them has a cold or slight fever. I check on them at night constantly, always have Tylenol on the ready, always emailing my pediatrician. At least at work, I can have a few hours where my mind didn't on overdrive about the kids. But miss them and feel guilty.

When I'm home, I try to be laser focused on the kids and my husband. I never brought my work home with me. I'd be available to the kids Friday afternoons, and Sundays, we would do fun projects and activities together. I'd be able to prepare dinner for my husband when he got home later, we'd eat while talking about our day and other, things I'd have the laundry done, do the grocery shopping...

A few months ago I left my old position for a better paying one in another agency. Our finances have really been helped, but I'm finding myself brining work home with me and working after the kids are in bed or down for the night, on weekends I find myself trying to wake up a little earlier so I can get some work done before the kids wake up on Sunday morning. My boss and co-workers text and call me after hours. I don't want to be rude, I tell them I'd like to help, but this is my personal family time...They don't seem to understand. Just the other day, I asked my kids to give Imma 10 minutes so I can finish something for work and before I knew it, an hour passed. I felt so guilty. For the last couple of weeks, the laundry has piled up and I've had to do emergency loads at midnight, so everyone would have clean socks the next day. I'm distracted by dinner and I know my husband isn't happy about the changes. I've apologized and told him that I just have to get used to thie new job and find my rhythm. Truth is, I have more responsibilities and so I am sort of forced to work at home and take work home with me. I like my new job and I feel satisfied while doing it, but I feel like I'm being pulled in 2 directions here. The financial aspect of it has me not considering resigning- I can't cut back, it's either all or nothing in this job. But is it fair to ask my husband to chip in more when he is used to how things have been?

Is my new boss using my work ethic against me-- to make sure I do it all and to check on others, knowing I'm a perfectionist? not caring about the impact on my family? I had mentioned that he was really giving me a lot of work, almost too much for one person and I was working at night and over the weekends. He smiled and said, "But I know you'll get it done correctly."

I don't know what to do.

amother

Natural

Sun, Aug 08 2021, 9:17 pm

pippy93 wrote:

the reality is that in many positions, especially higher earning ones, they dont respect worker's personal time.....

I think its bec of technology that bosses/coworkers take advantage and try to reach us at all hours....some ppl say "just set boundaries" but some bosses will say "goodbye" if they expect you to be available and you are not.

and, I have a high paying job that I cant quit bec we use the $ for our needs, and life is very hard for me bec I have to bring work home and I hate having to work evenings and weekends...I am also on call after hrs.. I feel like a slave and like you said, I feel like I cant be a good employee(based on what my boss expects) and also do the job of mothering etc like I would like...bec noone can do it all...ive cut out on a lot of cooking and do simple suppers and buy more takeout etc.

so, I think you need to decide
if your dh and you think its a good idea to continue in this job, then yes, your dh should help more with household etc and he shouldnt expect things to be the same like before bec you are helping him with the finances now....

you must get more help or give yourself some slack regarding doing it all, let your dh do more and see how you can cut out household chores etc ....

if you feel like this job is too much for you bec it definitely takes away from your role as a mom etc then maybe get a part time job that doesnt require take home work and doesnt require you to be on call after hrs...so you may get paid less but then you can still stay focused on being with your kids and spend more time on household etc..

ora_43

Mon, Aug 09 2021, 1:39 pm

Wow, I really don't love your boss's answer to you telling him you're overworked.

Does this job really pay that well if you take into account all the overtime you're working?

In general I'd start with trying to set limits. Practice saying, "I don't think I'll be able to finish that this weekend, but I'll make myself a note to get to it first thing Monday." "I'm sorry, I don't have the headspace to give that the attention it deserves right now. Can we talk about this tomorrow at work?" Etc.

You don't have to say no to everything, but do practice differentiating between things that are actually urgent and things that the other person would prefer you do right now but that can wait.

Another good habit IMO: if you want to limit phone calls, start by saying, "I only have 10 minutes right now, do you want to discuss this now or should we wait until tomorrow morning at work?" If they say "now" and then try to go over, tell them, "Sorry, like I said, I have to go now. Let's follow up about this later." Interrupt them if necessary.

Maybe your new boss will get grumpy if you aren't available 24/6. But first off - he might not! Sometimes bosses like this are just very pragmatic. They push each person in the office exactly as far as they can - but they don't necessarily give any preference to the people who give them the most.

Second, even if he is a bit grumpy, unless he's openly threatening to fire you I would still say, go ahead and make him a bit crabby. Better than sacrificing your entire life to him and ending up burning out.

It's true that in some industries you're expected to have a lot more availability than others, but still, expecting employees to be available at night for spontaneous one-hour assignments is way outside the norm in almost every workplace.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Aug 09 2021, 1:48 pm

pippy93 wrote:

Yes, it’s fair. Marriage is a partnership.

ora_43

Tue, Aug 10 2021, 5:04 pm

I just wanted to clarify that I don't think leaving all of your work behind at work is necessarily a realistic goal. It really depends on your industry. But it's pretty common that your boss/coworkers will have the occasional after-hours question or request, and sometimes it really is urgent, or else short enough that it's worth doing it just for the goodwill.

It's all about finding a balance. If you're feeling like you have no life, no weekend, no time at all when you're free of work, that's not reasonable (and probably not sustainable).

But if your husband is thinking that you should just keep doing everything you used to do around the house - that's also not reasonable, and probably not sustainable. As your career grows you're going to have to sacrifice some of the other stuff you used to do. We all only get 24 hours a day.

That doesn't necessarily mean asking your husband to do more, FTR. It really depends on what he's already doing and what he's capable of. If he's just sitting around on his phone all evening and expecting you to do everything, that's one thing, but if he's genuinely tired after his own day at work, maybe the solution involves getting more cleaning help, or babysitting, or premade foods, etc.