Follow-up on to all those who are jealous of me. NEED ADVICE

amother

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 7:01 pm

A few weeks ago I started a thread:
https://www.imamother.com/foru.....37369

When I created that thread I was at a "down". usually times aren't as bad as it was then. However, I want some improvement. Many posted great ideas about how I can get my husband to allow me to spend more $, or how I can use $ for myself, etc.

I want to create a plan now. I'm going back to work very soon after a 2 month summer break (two-thirds paid) and I'm iyh getting a raise.

I want to discuss a plan with my dh about finances. but I'm confused and don't know what I want. can anyone help me?
tia

amother

Lightblue

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 7:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I don't know if this works for you.

the first of every month hand him your monthly budget of what you want to spend. include lunch out, clothing etc etc (don't include things like mortgage or tuition- this is YOUR budget)
then he can give it to you in cash or put it in a separate debit account for you.

pause

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 7:08 pm

Inform him that since you haven't had sufficient access to necessary funds up until now, you will be opening your own bank account and having your money direct deposited there. The end.

If you want to be super nice, tell him that you will be using x amount per week (YOU DECIDE!) and the rest you will transfer to the family account.

amother

Aqua

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 7:08 pm

amother [ Lightblue ] wrote:

I don't agree with this advice at all. Why should she let her dh control her spending in this way? She shouldn't have to come to him asking for money like that.

And even more so since she's the one earning it.

amother

Dahlia

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 7:09 pm

amother [ Lightblue ] wrote:

It's her money. Why is he handing it to her? That doesn't make sense.

amother

Dahlia

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 7:10 pm

Open your own account. Decide on how much you want to take off monthly. Move that amount to your account. And then use it on yourself for whatever you want. Don't show him that balance ever and don't discuss how you used it.

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 7:11 pm

amother [ Petunia ] wrote:

Side point- I'm intrigued that you have a good paying job that offers a 2 month summer break and a raise upon return? Can I ask what field you're in?

Something at a school.

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 7:37 pm

Echoing everyone else: take the extra time to set up your own account. You can even set up direct deposit for your paycheck so you don't have to deposit it.

It's not difficult to set up an account. Make an appointment at the bank, bring your ID and whatever else they tell you that you'll need, and just do it.

amother

Offwhite

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 8:56 pm

pause wrote:

THIS. I would only add: He should not have any access to your account. And any argument he brings up against this idea, tell him "we'll see, first I'll try it for a few months and then we'll discuss it again".. that way first it will be open and it will be harder for him to fight something that's set up already.

amother

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 8:58 pm

Thanks for all the ideas. I just don't have the guts to open my own account and say "it's all mine"... how can I say something that will make me be comf spending within a normal ranging w/o feeling silly...

amother

Floralwhite

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 9:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If you prefer, it doesn't have to be dramatic. He will have no way of knowing that you opened an account unless you tell him. You can get paperless statements so you don't get any mail from the bank. You can deposit part of the money in your account without telling him, and give him the rest. If you really want to be stealthy and your job doesn't mind, ask them to split your paycheck into two amounts and you can give him the larger check to deposit and secretly deposit the smaller one in your account each month. If he asks, just say you wanted to make it easier for him so he doesn't have to dole out money to you each month. You could also say something along the lines that you heard it's good for your credit score to open your own account...so that when you eventually buy a house it will be easier to get approved for a mortgage...blah blah. No idea if that's true BTW, but it's true for credit cards and it sounds good. Maybe someone with more expertise can chime in.

Notsobusy

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 9:28 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thanks for all the ideas. I just don't have the guts to open my own account and say "it's all mine"... how can I say something that will make me be comf spending within a normal pranging w/o feeling silly...

This is why I suggested only keeping the amount of the raise. I think you deserve to have equal decision making rights and an equal budget. But if you don't feel comfortable insisting on that, at least keep your raise for yourself.

doodlesmom

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 9:31 pm

Tell him for your mental health you need to have access to a certain amount of money a month no questions asked. Therefore you are planning to keep x amount ( or the amount of your raise if that is sufficient) in a separate account or in cash for you to use as you please.
When he starts questioning or saying but I’ll give you whatever money you need, just repeat that it’s the lack of freedom and control that’s the issue here, and this is the only way to resolve this.

amother

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 9:43 pm

Thank you. I appreciate everyone's advice and like all your ideas. Thank you all very much.

I will go with the following:

doodlesmom wrote:

but will tweak it a bit and add a bit from some other amothers' advice.

amother

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 9:45 pm

Notsobusy wrote:

It's a good idea, but the raise isn't sufficient enough. It's just a few $$ more per hour- totaling about $400 a month. decent amount, but I really want more. I'll iyh be making over $10k a month

amother

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 9:47 pm

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

Good idea to split it into two separate accounts. I would tell my DH about it though, cuz I dont want him finding out later and being upset. If I discuss it now, when I'm calm and b4 I return to work, I think it can work out iyh

amother

Tulip

Thu, Aug 12 2021, 9:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm not sure if this is a good idea. You're laying all your cards on the table at once, and leaving nothing for backup for yourself.

First see how he reacts with keeping some money for yourself. Take it step by step, and see how it goes. If things don't go your way, having a secret account may become a necessity for you. But if you alert him to this now, he will always be chasing it down.