Post sem age girls and staying out at night

amother

Mon, Aug 16 2021, 9:16 am

I’m asking your opinion on post sem age girls being out at night with the car. My daughter likes to be out at night with friends and I’m trying to find out if it’s reasonable for us to be asking her to be home by 11:30, 12 the latest. As parents we can’t really go to sleep until we know she’s home safe and sound. Are we being unreasonable and old fashioned about this? Do most girls this age have the freedom to be out very late and parents daven they should be safe and go to sleep?

Please don’t give your opinion if your daughter is more of a homebody who doesn’t feel the need to be out and chill at night or your daughter likes to go to sleep early.

Chayalle

Mon, Aug 16 2021, 9:19 am

My sister lived in my house when she was single, and she was often out late. But she was good about letting me know where she would be. For example, she had a good friend who was in the food decorating business, and she would often hang out with her till late (1 or 2 a.m.), making miniatures and shmoozing. I thought it was okay. I knew where she was, it was a safe place. She wasn't "out and about".

I have grown girls who do happen to be earlybirds so I'm not offering my opinion in that respect - I'm grateful that they are home early. But I think my sister, who was not an earlybird, was also very normal and appropriate.

singleagain

Mon, Aug 16 2021, 9:34 am

Disclaimer voice to text

As a grown woman still living at home with my parents I don't often spend the night out but should I choose to want to be out or to go see at midnight show of a movie I would highly resent my parents telling me no at this point I understand that they need to know where I am so on my own volition I share with them my location so that way my mom can make sure that I'm still at the movie or I'm late at work one night or I went to visit my friend and I forgot to text her and it keeps her calm and it makes me happy

sarab613

Mon, Aug 16 2021, 9:34 am

It all depends on what kind of girl she is. For you trust that she's really out with friends and it isn't something else? Do you trust her friends? If yes then I would think she should be given the freedom to come home late and I would try to work on myself to be able to yes fall asleep and let go of some of the worry.
If you wonder about what she is doing or who she is hanging out with, then asking her to be home by 11:30, 12 is reasonable.

twizzlers1

Mon, Aug 16 2021, 9:41 am

We're in Israel so my daughter is not driving yet but I let her stay out late so when there's no school. If I would be so controlling she would just choose not to come home probably and I probably wouldn't have a great relationship with her like I do. I always tell her to text me when she's on her way and to let me know when she's home. I usually have trouble sleeping until she's home but I always try.

amother

Burgundy

Mon, Aug 16 2021, 10:02 am

You call your dd friend "the car"? Sorry, that's a joke. You said your dd is out "with the car". I don't know anyone who ever went out with a car. The occasional mule or jack@ss, yes.

Post sem means theoretically old enough to get married, which means theoretically an adult. Obviously you don't want her coming home at 4 a.m., but it's not reasonable to impose a curfew at this age. 11.30 or midnight is also on the early side, especially if she's traveling any distance. .My goodness, if she were married as probably some of her friends are, she could be coming back from the mikva that late in summer. All you can reasonably do is explain to dd that you worry about her safety late at night, ask her to come home at a reasonable hour and call you if she's going to be out later than some mutually agreeable time.

What's your real concern? That she'll get mugged or crash the car? That she'll get a reputation for being "fast" and ruin her chances of a good shidduch? Or that she's hanging out with a sketchy crowd and getting into weed, drugs and zex? Whatever your concerns are, you should discuss them honestly with your dd. Any trouble she wants to get into between midnight and 3 am she can get into between 9 pm and midnight, too. A frank discussion outlining your preferences but without imposing an arbitrary curfew, will show her that you are concerned about her well-being but respect her as an adult

You'll worry no matter what, and that's normal. My children are in their 30s and when they drive home after being with us for Shabbos, I still ask them to text us when they get home. Because it's a long drive, and a mother worries.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Aug 16 2021, 10:28 am

Just so you know, not everyone considers 19 an adult and thinks kids can or should be married then. To some of us, that sounds insane.

DD is 20. She lives in a college dorm and comes and goes as she pleases. When she is home (as she currently is), I do wait up for her and she gives me the curtesy of telling me when to expect her home and calls if plans change. She also volunteers whee she is going and with whom. It is just normal curtesy.
It is reasonable for me to expect her home between midnight and 1 am.

Last night she and a friend went to Walmart to get supplies to make shtick for a family friend (think fake cousin’s) wedding. Thursday she was at her friends house they were baking challah and hanging out. Motzi Shabbos they went for pizza. When the store closed they wanted to still hang out so they went back to someone’s house to watch a movie. If the store closes at 11, there is no way she is home before 1:30 (Movie is 90 minutes to 2 hours plus time to pick something and driving time)

I am fine with all this as she is courteous (filled my car with gas’s without me saying anything) and volunteers her whereabouts.

amother

Mayflower

Mon, Aug 16 2021, 10:33 am

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

I'll agree with this one.