How do you have a life?

amother

Wed, Aug 18 2021, 3:59 pm

I just started working full time. Where I live that’s 9 hours a day. My job is also a 1:30/2 hour commute each way.

I also need to sleep 9 hours for me to be a sane person.

Doing this calculation this allows me to have 2-3 hours a day to spend with my husband, meet friends, and do housework.

And for those 2-3 hours I’m so tired and exhausted I don’t want to leave my bed.

How does anyone work in hitech and have a life or kids? I mean I don’t even have kids yet and this is so draining and exhausting.

amother

Antiquewhite

Wed, Aug 18 2021, 4:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You can get used to less sleep. Nine hours is a lot. I would say seven or eight hours is a more realistic expectation. I mean, if and when you do have kids, you're not going to get nine hours of sleep. Your body adjusts. Do what we all do - drink coffee, exercise.

NotInNJMommy

Wed, Aug 18 2021, 4:03 pm

I don't have a life. Time not at work or sleeping is spent on taking care of my home and my kids. Shabbos is super low key because I will not have koach for the week if I'm entertaining and out and about all Shabbos. There's no time for most folks who work full time to do much else but work, certainly if they have a sizeable commute. I don't know the last time I got 9 hours of sleep in a night either. I barely cook during the week, and I try to do maintenance cleaning daily and weekly. I shop almost entirely online for things. I have found if I'm getting a walk in at some point, even 20-30 min a day, I tend to have a bit more stamina if I'm consistent.

mha3484

Wed, Aug 18 2021, 4:32 pm

I have never had a commute longer then 40 minutes. I do recruiting and I find that most job candidates are not interested in a position that requires driving more then 30-40 minutes. I think you should really reconsider that. Its exhausting and soul sucking to spend 3-4 hours a day on your commute alone.

ora_43

Wed, Aug 18 2021, 4:49 pm

3-4 hours commuting is a lot.

I think most people use their hi-tech salaries to pay for 1. living close to work, 2. household help.

I do know some people who went the other way, and held out for a hi-tech job close to their (lower-cost-of-living) area. So that's another option.

9 hours of sleep per night is a bit more than average. I wouldn't try to cut back there! If that's what you need, that's what you need. But just for the sake of answering the question, that's one difference - some people can get by on 7 hours a night, and that gives them another 2 hours/day.

Two other important things -

1. the first few months of a new job are usually the most tiring and stressful.

2. what kind of commute is it? If you're driving 4 hours a day, no wonder you're exhausted. That in and of itself would have me exhausted, even without the 9 hours of actual work.

The more relaxing your commute, the more 'life' stuff you can get done on the way to and from work. Reading a book, listening to music, writing up your grocery list or emailing a friend... I wouldn't do a 1-hr commute by bus, but 1 hour by train? Doable.

*

So yeah, that post was a bit of a mess. Long story short, people make it work by sleeping a bit less, commuting a lot less, and paying someone else to clean the house.

And all that said? A lot of us don't have lives. Or at least, not much of a life outside of family and a small circle of close friends.

amother

Sapphire

Wed, Aug 18 2021, 5:06 pm

amother [ Antiquewhite ] wrote:

Um. Not everyone can get used to less sleep.
I had a full day at work + a commute and felt similarly to OP. Add on a baby which forced my sleep schedule to adjust, or so I thought, but I was such a zombie, it took me being past that stage and back to my regular exhausted sleep schedule to realize how much I DO need that full sleep. It's just how I am. In the moment I wasn't able to see it, because it took so much out of me.
Even with children, BH, I need a lot of sleep - multiple coffees a day and excersize won't cut it.

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Aug 18 2021, 5:15 pm

imaima wrote:

Cutting on sleep shouldn't be forced of unnecessary. When she has a baby, she will see for herself. No need to get exhausted before it is necessary

Needless to say that lack of sleep will also impact your brain activity and work ability overall.

zaq

Wed, Aug 18 2021, 7:02 pm

With your schedule I wouldn't have a life, either. Something's gotta give. I would look for a job closer to home, plan to move closer to work if you're the main breadwinner, or negotiate for shorter work hours or working remotely.

What will happen when you have kids BE"H is that you will, willy-nilly, sleep less. You will also find ways to simplify your life. You will consider strategies like buying more convenience foods and hiring domestic help. You will share responsibilities with your husband and accept that even if he doesn't do things the way you like them done, as long as he does them, it's all good. You will learn to multitask; accept that "good enough" is good enough when it comes to your job, parenting and all things "house"; learn to set priorities; and let everything go that isn't a high priority.

You will learn that "having it all" doesn't mean having it all at the same time, and life as the parent of young children in no way resembles that of a couple without children and even less that of a single person.

You will also learn to really appreciate Shabbat (and Sunday if it's a day off where you live) as the time that you really live. The rest of the time you just survive.

oakandfig19

Thu, Aug 19 2021, 12:20 am

I don’t think it’s very common for women who have children to work 9 hours day plus a 4 hour total commute. That leaves hardly any time for anything. I think you’ll make adjustments as life changes, and you probably will get used to a bit less sleep (don’t sacrifice too much if your body needs it though). I’d try not to worry about it though because you’ll be able to make the necessary changes when you have children, and you will adjust.

amother

Mulberry

Thu, Aug 19 2021, 12:45 am

life is not as simple as "get a job with a shorter commute".....its hard to find the exact job with the same salary etc that will also have a shorter commute, so in the future, you might decide to take a closer job even if it means less $ or another factor but you might not be able to switch jobs

the reality is that anyone working and commuting as long as you, will not have much of a "life" besides for working, commuting, taking care of your house and dh.... my situation is like yours.....I dont have time for friends etc. its hard.

its great that you get 9 hrs of sleep...I dont get 9 hrs but sleep is so important for ones health so if you can manage your job n commute and also get 9 hrs of sleep, thats great....also, maybe your dh will need to pitch in more especially if he works closer to home etc..let your dh share the burden with household chores etc

all I can say is that its very very exhausting/stressful etc to be working and doing long commutes, so hatzlacha

amother

Thu, Aug 19 2021, 2:45 am

I live in Israel - so public transportation takes a long time. There's no hi-tech jobs in my city at all.

I'm really not cut out for a 9 hour job, but in my field I can't seem to find anything less than that. I'd love to work 5-8 hours a day, but I all hi-tech jobs here are 9.

I simply can't imagine living this life in the long run. It sounds and feels so miserable.

I can't imagine having children and working more than 5 hours a day.

Friends, nature, going out, doing my hobbies and the things I love simply don't exist anymore. How can anyone be happy like this?

I keep thinking I'm simply not cut out for this. I'm constantly moody, exhausted (I still need 2-3 cups of coffee on 9 hours of sleep to get through the day and not fall asleep at my desk), and feel like all I do is sleep and work.

Like I said - even during the few hours in between work and sleep I'm so exhausted I pretty much just lay in bed and talk to my husband, or force myself to do half an hour of housework.

Everyone else seems to manage - why am I not?

SuperWify

Thu, Aug 19 2021, 3:06 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

No, I wouldn’t manage on your schedule.

Not many people would.