Non Jewish spouse support group

amother

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 12:22 am

We live in a kiruv community. One of our friends is married to a non Jew. She has become frum as have her kids bH. She faces much challenge being married to a non Jew. Anyone know if a support group or other women in this predicament who can give her support?
Thanks!

amother

Peony

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 12:50 am

This is none of my business, but since you're posting this Q here.

I don't think someone in this enormously challenging predicament needs a support group, as much as they need a truly wise Rav who can hopefully hold her hand, maybe both of their hands if the husband is a good, humble person who could gain respect for what they innocently have gotten into, & guide her either out of this marriage, or would be able to wisely discern potential for growth should the husband ever become interested in Judaism, it's maybe statistically unlikely, but who knows who is a potential convert.

If it's a good kiruv community, hopefully the real chochomim of the kehilla can help.
Is it ok to post where they are located?

Communities have them: Boca Raton? Rabbi Efrem Goldberg. Milwaukee? Rav Michel Twerski. Etc, etc.

amother

Taupe

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 4:54 pm

amother [ Peony ] wrote:

This. She needs help.
I met someone who was converting - her father was Jewish but her mother wasn't. She was telling me what a support her mother was through the process, and how accommodating she was. I asked her why her mother didn't also convert. She told me her mother would have liked to but she couldn't because her father was a Kohen! Go figure...

FranticFrummie

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 5:06 pm

The Seattle Beis din sees cases like these. The kiruv based out of the Seattle Kollel is incredible. The rabbis there are very gentle and understanding.

It's not their jobs to break up homes. If there is a real reason to split up, you can come and talk to them about it, but mostly they just stay in the background until they are needed.

I've known several cases where a Halachically Jewish wife married a non Jewish DH, because at the time it just wasn't a big deal to her. Then kids come along, and they start rethinking how they are going to raise these kids. DH starts getting interested in Judaism, and the next thing you know he's converted too!

amother

Green

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 5:08 pm

I know someone who became frum and divorced her non-Jewish husband. I was friends with her daughter at one point and she was very hurt by it. She never forgave her mother and they don't have much of a relationship. Sad.
I also know of some people where both parents were Jewish but got divorced because one wanted to become frummer than the other.
Becoming frum as an adult and dragging your kids along is a tricky thing. We go crazy if someone goes OTD and tries to drag their kids along. If you do the opposite it can also be very confusing and emotionally wrenching for the kids.

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 5:28 pm

My father in law isn’t Jewish.

My mother in law married him before she had kids and once her kids started to go to school, she reconnected with her heritage and raised them completely frum. My husband is the eldest, and he remembers making kiddush every week, leading sedarim, etc. basically from bar mitzvah onward and being a father figure to his younger siblings since they had no Jewish father to influence them.

BH my husband and his siblings are all frum, and my MIL has the nachas of half a dozen frum grandchildren already, I really think it’s a huge zchus. But she’s still married to her non-Jewish husband.

My husband did have a difficult time in shidduchim (most people don’t know his situation, though he would reveal it after a few dates), and is still a little shocked that I married him. But I married him, not his father, and DH is a wonderful, sincere frum person.

So I don’t know if a “support group” exists, DH certainly felt alone most of his life, and I have no idea what my mother in law’s cheshbon is.

amother

Peony

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 5:30 pm

I stress the wise Rav part, because something so challenging I assume needs the wisdom of a great person, who can walk the balance in a normal, compassionate interpersonal way with the wife & or both of them, of what is & isn't ok, but not blaming them or demonizing anyone.
Not everyone is capable of this kind of leadership.
May Hashem help everyone through it.

amother

Dahlia

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 5:33 pm

amother [ Firethorn ] wrote:

If you don’t mind me asking, what is your relationship with your FIL like?

amother

Magnolia

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 5:47 pm

I don't know of any support groups, but as the child of a similar situation, I can offer my support to your friend. There are more of us out there.

My mother was not Jewish by halacha, but had a Jewish father and had been raised to think of herself as Jewish at the time she married my nonobservant Jewish father. I grew up belonging to an Orthodox shul, but not being considered Jewish. It was awkward at times, but people were very tolerant. My mother converted when she was much older and I converted as a young adult. I have a sibling who has not converted and respects the halachic situation, while still identifying as Jewish in secular settings. My parents are frum now, as are my DH and I, but I have a lot of non-Jewish family.

amother

Firethorn

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 5:51 pm

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

If you don’t mind me asking, what is your relationship with your FIL like?

He is very much on the spectrum and not very talkative (my DH is on the spectrum as well, though significantly more social in comparison). He smiles to see the grandkids when we visit, and says maybe a few sentences to me at most when we see each other?

My in-laws live in another city, so we don’t see them often, and I think I prefer it this way.

Early in my marriage, when DH still had younger siblings living at home, we would go there and lead most yomim tovim. FIL would join us for dinner almost like a guest, though I was always very respectful and served him and my MIL first as the hosts. Often on Shabbos/yomtov morning he would be on his laptop at the dining room table, and that was just a thing that I married into.

Now, DH and I host many yomtov meals and his siblings (all adults now, some married with kids, some single) will drive to us from out of town. MIL and FIL will come too, and FIL keeps his electronics use to his bedroom. My older kids understand that Granddad isn’t Jewish, and doesn’t keep halacha the way we do, but he loves us and we love him very much.

ocean blue

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 7:47 pm

My mother had a friend whose husband wasnt jewish. She became interested in her heritage when her kids were young. When she became frum, her dh had initially tried to convert, but he eventually gave up, but became a bnei noach. Anyway, they remained married. Their kids are all frum. They were actually quite involved with the community. He was very respectful of his wife choices, and people respected him too.

elmommy

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:15 pm

I know someone very personally in the exact situation (maybe same person). I actually think a support group would help based on her point of life, self awareness and number of rabbanim involved.

For all commenters, she probably has a rav and it's a very emotionally draining situation.

cnc

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:20 pm

I believe that there was a story like this written up in the Mishpacha or Family First and the narrator related that she started a support group for others in the same situation. Perhaps try reaching out to the magazine to see if they have any more information?