Dh won’t get vaccinated... kids upset what can I do?

amother

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 10:47 pm

Anyone else in this situation?
My dh’s Rav said it’s absolutely dangerous for anyone to take the vax and better to risk catching and treat with vitamins and meds. I went along with it because It looked like covid was going to wind down. I took my vac and did t ask a Rav first.
Now delta is a looming presence and my kids are nervous. They are under 12 and he def won’t allow them to be vaxxed.
He loves and trusts his Rav. But I know there will be repercussions for his choice.
Kids are upset with him and probably scared. Any chizuk? Experience?
He is only going out with a mask to Shul, working from home so low risk for exposure until the kids start school.

small bean

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:20 pm

Why are your kids scared of covid?

amother

Jade

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:21 pm

Stop scaring your kids.
And their fathers vaccine decisions shouldn’t be their concern at all.

amother

Ballota

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:21 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If your children are under 12 they really shouldn't be having any input in your DHs medical decisions. Whatever they are feeling is probably what they are sensing from you. If you are calm about it, they will also be.

amother

Crimson

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:22 pm

Why are such young kids even involved in yours and DH disagreement over this? Why are they so scared? They shouldn't be hearing so much from you to the point of being scared. They're too young for this. Kids should not be involved in such adult topics and this should not be conversation around your kids.
Why is it even their choice if they should get the vaccine? If your Rav said to not vaccinate, follow his advice. Why are you sure there will be repercussions if they don't vaccinate? What repercussions will there be?

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:22 pm

Your kids are scared they will get covid or that their father will?

amother

Jade

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:24 pm

My kids are way older than 12 and have no idea if DH and I were vaccinated because it’s not even a discussion in the house.
Not because we’re hiding or we don’t tell them.

amother

Sand

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:35 pm

It sounds like your husband is very reasonable. He goes to shul with a mask and works from home.

Like others said, it's really not your kids business whether he is vaccinated. My guess is the kids are feeding off your anxiety. This is not healthy for anyone in the house.

amother

IndianRed

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:37 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

My kids are way older than 12 and have no idea if DH and I were vaccinated because it’s not even a discussion in the house.
Not because we’re hiding or we don’t tell them.

Same here.
We simply don’t talk about covid. Not bec we purposely avoid - it’s not a topic we are thinking about or scared about. My dh is vaccinated , I am not and my kids don’t have any opinion on the matter.

amother

Chartreuse

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:41 pm

Lots wrong with this whole picture.
Kids younger than 12 getting involved in their fathers medical decision?
What are the kids scared of? They are at zero risk.
Who is teaching them this fear?

amother

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:47 pm

To answer the question the kids know because:
A) I got very sick from the shot and couldn’t really take care of them for the better part of a week
B) we traveled and had to do quarantine because he wasn’t vaxxed
C) friends and family members (mine not his) won’t visit us, spend chag with us etc because he isn’t. There is a lot of pressure there
D) the school they attend is making different decisions for kids who’s parents are vaxxed regarding isolation/symptoms
E) we are in a community with a very high vax rate and this is a hot topic

But I hear you all. I don’t think my kids are scared he will get sick, I think maybe they are worried his choices will limit them. I mostly am fine without him getting the shot but I’d prefer he did

amother

Crimson

Sun, Aug 22 2021, 11:50 pm

They saw that you got sick from the shot and you still want to force them to vaccinate? Little kids under 12? It's so sad that a community gets such young kids involved and causes them unnecessary fear. Little kids don't need to know those things. They also don't need to know that the school has different isolation policies for kids who's parents aren't vaccinated. Your kids are involved in this way to much.

amother

Sand

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 12:45 am

Sorry, but the school administrators are really sick to differentiate kids based on their parents vaccination status. Really awful.

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 12:52 am

So much yikes. Poor kids having to live through this craziness. I'm glad my school is not doing insane things like that.

amother

Azure

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 1:08 am

Your DH is probably upset that you got yourself vaccinated and got yourself sick. You are upset at the wrong person. You should be upset at the school for feeding into this craziness/avoda zara.

amother

Begonia

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 1:26 am

This sounds very stressful. Many hugs. It is hard when spouses are not entirely on the same page.

I totally understand why your kids might be aware of this and have an opinion. Kids are like sponges--they have heard and seen a lot about covid, even if it is not a frequent topic of conversation in your home. Assuming they attended school last year, they would have been exposed to a lot, including perhaps teachers or friends becoming sick or maybe they had to quarantine or they could have heard sad stories about friends who lost grandparents or other family members. We do not live in a vacuum--this pandemic has affected the whole world and our children know a lot more than we think they do. They have been watching and listening and absorbing.

Plenty of kids under 12 where I live are actually pretty knowledgeable about the vaccines, so it doesn't surprise me that there are kids who have an opinion. At least in my household, we discuss these issues. There is nothing wrong with that at all. It's a healthy part of educating our children and teaching them how to make medical decisions. Discuss the pros and cons, where we look to for expert advice, what's known and what is not, the key concept of relative risk. Same as we talk to them about how to make other important decisions.

As for what to do, I understand that your DH's Rav has staked out a position, but has your DH discussed his concerns with his doctor as well? If I was on a different page from my husband and he asked me to do that, I would and vice versa. As well, since it sounds like your DH is following the guidelines for unvaccinated people by masking when out, you guys can share with your kids the risk mitigation strategies that your family is using--that you wear masks when you go out, he is working from home, and given what you said about your community, I would guess that the kids will wear masks to school as well. That should help reduce risk substantially and may alleviate some of their concerns. Many kids understandably worry about their parents becoming sick with covid--I know mine did. They were very relieved when my husband and I were able to get vaccinated. They may well be concerned that they could bring the infection home from school and he could, gd forbid, get sick.

The day will come, though, when the vaccine is available to children under age 12. Perhaps you and he should start discussing this with your children's pediatrician. That way, you can work things out ahead of time in terms of what to do for the kids. At least in my family, one parent does not get to make the decisions without the other when it comes to the kids; if we disagree, we have to work together until either one of us convinces the other or we strike a compromise.

ora_43

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 6:33 am

Why the shock here that "kids under 12" notice these things, or care? We're not talking toddlers, here. Or some esoteric issue in foreign policy. This is the most immediate political issue in a lot of communities right now, and school-aged kids are more than able to follow what's going on.

I'm honestly shocked that anyone would think a child age 10 or 11 is too young for an opinion on important issues.

So don't rush to blame OP, let alone accuse her of being the problem. Really not nice and really out of touch with what normal preteen development looks like.

Simple1

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 6:42 am

ora_43 wrote:

It's normal for them to be aware. The problem is the anxiety and being upset about their parent's vaccine decision.

amother

Feverfew

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 6:47 am

ora_43 wrote:

This. A normal 10 year old in my world knows at least the basics of what's going on in the world, and certainly knows about covid and vaccinations. It's a major part of life today.

I don't get the idea that we hide the whole thing from them in order not to cause anxiety. It just causes ignorance. By ten, kids know life isn't perfect, and that there are negative things we avoid in order to protect ourselves (car accidents, strangers in the street, even too much sun). Covid is one more thing we make an effort to avoid.

amother

Feverfew

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 6:49 am

Simple1 wrote:

It's normal for them to be aware. The problem is the anxiety and being upset about their parent's vaccine decision.

I'm guessing the anxiety is partly due to the repercussions the father's decision have on their lives. It seems the school treats them differently etc. Also they need to quarantine on vacation.

This isn't something you can hide from older kids.