First chapter of my new book (humor YA, interactive)

Kiwi13

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 4:00 pm

I'll edit all of this at some point I hope, but for now I'm just trying to drum up my own motivation to keep on going. I'm posting what I have so far, even though for now it's just free-written words on a page. It'll shape up eventually. Anyway, here's the premise:

Jerrika is a moody teenager who doesn’t feel like listening to her friends. And she certainly doesn’t feel like listening to you. Unfortunately, Jerrika is prone to bad decision making on her own. That’s where you come in! Tread carefully when making each choice, though. Jerrika doesn’t agree with conventional wisdom – or authority figures – and if you push her away, all bets are off…

Chapter one

Are all friends losers, or just mine?

I never asked to come on this dumb camping trip with Alicia and Dillon. In fact, I distinctly recall asking not to come. I wanted to go somewhere fun over Spring Break. But nooooo. Alicia wouldn’t hear of that. Fun? What’s that? Foreign concept to some people….

Listen, I get it that she likes Dillon and all, but she can legit flirt with him on her own time without making me their third wheel. That’s why I took the liberty of inviting my band along too. Yeah, yeah, we’re not a band yet. But we will be. And you’ll wish you bought tickets to our first gig. I know Alicia will wish it.

Oh crud, seriously?? That’s the cabin she picked? Gross! It looked bad in the pictures online, and it’s so much worse in real life. If cameras add ten pounds to people, they evidently add whole extra rooms to cabins. Tiny, gross little cabin—

“Jerrika!”

Huh? Oh. About time they showed their pathetic selves. “Finally. You’re late.”

It’s Hadley and Morris. They’re my band. Or, like I said, they will be.

“Sorry, Jerr, we got lost on the way and GPS lost signal. Is that the cabin? Looks nice!” Hadley seems way too bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for this trip. She brought a freaking map of all things. Seriously, who even does maps anymore?

Morris seems slightly more normal and eye-rolly about it. “Where’s Alicia and Dillon? Did they get here yet?”

“Yeah. They’re inside already. Wanna dump your stuff and do something?”

“Sure.” Morris is hauling his bag and Hadley’s. What a gentleman. If I wasn’t such a good friend to Hadley, I’d be a little jealous. I always liked Morris, since forever. Plus, I mean, Hadley’s nice and all, but she’s not exactly Morris’s type. I’m just waiting for him to wake up and see it too. I’m giving him the space he needs. Like a good future girlfriend.

“Or we could just hang out with Alicia and Dillon,” Hadley suggests, like the weirdo loser I’ve been suspecting she might be.

“Why would we do that? Didn’t you guys come here to hang out with me?”

“Jerrika, please. They’re our friends too. I thought you said—”

“I know what I said, Hadley! But you’re supposed to be a good enough friend to know what I meant!”

Morris seems to have had enough of Girl Talk already. He’s backing away like a scared little boy. I’ve got to get this thing back on track. “Morris, hold up. We’re coming back to the cabin. Hadley, truce. Okay?”

Hadley’s got a weird smile that’s a little too big for her face, but it warms people’s hearts just the same. The better to charm people with, I suppose. She took my truce, so that’s cool. Say what you will about Hadley – I know I do – but she’s a good truce-accepter, and that’s vital to a friendship. It’s something Alicia sorely lacks.

And speaking of Alicia….

“Jerrika! You made it!”

“Hey Alicia.”

She’s frowning. Not two stinkin’ steps outside the cabin and Alicia’s got a big ole frown on her face. Care to guess why she’s frowning? Because I invited my band, I bet you that’s why.

Alicia heads straight past me like I’m old news. “Hadley! I didn’t know you were coming, what a surprise!” Hadley and Alicia share a warm cushy hug while I try not to barf. Nobody’s ever that happy to see me.

Morris comes lumbering up to the door with the bags and Alicia reaches for one of them. “Here, let me help you.”

“Nah. It’s alright, I got it.”

But just on cue, Dillon jumps out the front door and over the handrail like an over-the-top skater boy and grabs a bag anyway. “Dude, you made it!” He slaps Morris on the back and I can smell his armpits from way over here. Nastiness.

Alicia’s got her frown back on. “Dill, you knew they were coming?”

“Well yeah, Jerrika said—”

“Shut up Dillon.” I have no patience for him today. Ever, really. But especially not today.

Dillion points at me backwards with his thumb and raises an eyebrow at Morris. “What’s with her?”

Morris shrugs and looks away, glancing at me for silent approval. I grant it.

Hadley pulls out her stupid map and jabs it with her freshly manicured finger. Purple, in case you want to know. Just like her hair. Perfect Hadley and her perfect purple hair. We did that together, mind you, and only hers came out good. Mine came out like watery Kool-Aid faded like an ancient picture from the 1990s. Of course, I couldn’t change it or anything. Not after making a whole big stink at school the next day over how my hair actually looks better than Hadley’s. So now I’m stuck with melted-popsicle purple hair, while Hadley’s rocking the unicorn goddess look we were going for. Right, so back to Hadley and her dumb map….

Morris, Dillon, and Alicia are all looking over her shoulder at it while I stand next to this tree, digging my shoe into the dirt in the shape of a poop emoji.

“I figure we could head to that area over there for lunch?” Hadley suggests. She says it like a question. Not even a rhetorical one.

Dillon scratches his scraggly stubble he calls a ‘beard.’ “The caverns?” he asks.

“Yeah.”

“Wait, which ones?” Morris pipes up.

God, I love his voice. So smooth, so calm. There’s so much home in that voice.

“These ones,” Hadley says, pointing again as if she thinks Morris is an idiot. Which he is not.

Morris shakes his head. “Hadley, those ones aren’t safe.”

“Huh?”

Dillion laughs. “You don’t actually believe that, do you?”

“Well…”

“Believe what?” Hadley asks, clueless as always.

Dillion points toward the road. The road I wish I could get back on and drive back home. “Didn’t you see that woman at the entrance to this place? Wearing that weird cloak thing? She told us not to go to the caverns. Haunted, or something. Who knows? Probably a good business move.”

“Haunted?”

Yes, Hadley. That’s what he said. Listen, would you?

Dillon shrugs. “Morris is probably right that we should eat someplace else anyway. Not because of it being haunted, obviously,” he clarifies quickly, “just because it’ll be too crowded now that Witchy McCloakster ‘warned’ everyone to stay away.”

Hadley appears deep in thought. Not sure what there is to think about, but whatever. “It looks cool, though,” she finally thinks out loud so we can hear her and stop being bored. Well, as bored. It’s not like Hadley’s thoughts are all that fascinating.

Morris doesn’t agree. Atta boy. “Hadd, maybe let’s go there instead,” he says, pointing to a different spot on the map. I suddenly wish I was close enough to see.

“Why don’t we vote on it?” Dillon says. “I say let’s go to where Morris is pointing.”

“I say the caverns,” Hadley says, playfully. “Alicia?”

Alicia nods in solidarity. “Caverns.”

“So, that’s two against two,” Dillion brilliantly points out. Impressive. The boy can count to two. “Jerrika! Come over here and vote on our picnic spot.”

Ughh fine. I’ll grudgingly ‘vote.’ It’s nice to have the deciding vote, after all.

“Which one, Jerr?” Hadley shows me the two spots on the map. Mourningside Caverns and Old Amulet Hill.

“They spelled ‘Morningside’ wrong,” I helpfully correct no one in particular.

“Whatever, Jerr, just pick one.”

For Mourningside Caverns, turn to page [ONE]

For Old Amulet Hill, turn to page [TWO]

Wait, what?? Why do you get to pick?!! I’m the deciding voter – me, Jerrika!!! Who even are you???

Kiwi13

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 4:06 pm

It's a different take on the choose your own adventure concept. Based on the reader's choices, they can push Jerrika away or win her friendship and learn more backstory... I mapped out a few rough ideas for later, but nothing set in stone. I'm just having fun with this book for now. Hopefully I can turn it into something of quality once my mind is back from its extended lunch break.

amf

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 4:11 pm

Kiwi13 wrote:

I love the concept! And you had me hooked from word one. I can't wait to read the whole book one day!

Kiwi13

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 4:23 pm

amf wrote:

I love the concept! And you had me hooked from word one. I can't wait to read the whole book one day!

Ooh yay!!

That really helps, thank you!!!

shanie5

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 9:38 pm

amf wrote:

I love the concept! And you had me hooked from word one. I can't wait to read the whole book one day!

Me too!!

Kiwi13

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 10:37 pm

Thanks!!

singleagain

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 10:42 pm

So cool. The only choose your own I remember reading as goosebumps. Although this is spooky like that

Kiwi13

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 11:25 pm

singleagain wrote:

So cool. The only choose your own I remember reading as goosebumps. Although this is spooky like that

I loved those! The first one I read was a freaky book about Ebola researchers. I got phobic-level scared of Ebola for MONTHS after that!!! If I heard somebody say they had a headache and a sore throat at the same time, I got near-fainting level scared!! (I was about 10 at the time, and yeah, not the right book for me back then!! But I loved the idea!!) let me see if I can find the title of that book…

Kiwi13

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 11:29 pm

“Killer Virus” by R. A. Montgomery

Seeing the cover again gives me chills lol!!

Reading the synopsis, I’m not surprised it freaked me out back then. Waaaay beyond 10-year-old me, content-wise.

Parents of strong readers beware: Just because they CAN read it, doesn’t mean they SHOULD!!

cbsp

Mon, Aug 23 2021, 11:40 pm

This is so much fun. Very Happy

My favorite line (of many) :

If cameras add ten pounds to people, they evidently add whole extra rooms to cabins.

LOL

Kiwi13

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 12:47 am

cbsp wrote:

This is so much fun. Very Happy

My favorite line (of many) :

If cameras add ten pounds to people, they evidently add whole extra rooms to cabins.

LOL

Darn travel ads, lol!

Kiwi13

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 12:48 am

cbsp wrote:

This is so much fun. Very Happy

My favorite line (of many) :

If cameras add ten pounds to people, they evidently add whole extra rooms to cabins.

LOL

Also, the story cycles back to that line… dun dun dun… lol

trixx

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 1:07 am

I don't like the main characters voice. Instead of sassy it's bratty and annoying. She doesn't sound very likeable.
I'm also (personal tic) not a fan of odd names or oddly spelled ones. Dylan. I just think it sounds overcompensating when every single character has a unique name.

Kiwi13

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 1:11 am

trixx wrote:

Cool. Dylan it is then. :-)
(Hadley is actually a fairly trendy name these days.)

There’s more depth to the MC than is shown here. Do you think I should add more into the first chapter? Or at least some hints of likability? Or maybe it’ll egg some readers on and they’ll enjoy trying to get her into more trouble… what do you think?

Kiwi13

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 1:18 am

What if I add in something like this, from Jerrika:

“I’m not always this grouchy, but did you ever have a bad day and everything just felt dreary and miserable? It’s been a bunch of those days in a row for me, and my “friends” are a big part of it, especially Alicia and Hadley. I said I forgave them, but maybe I didn’t yet.”

trixx

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 2:21 am

Kiwi13 wrote:

This definitely adds more dimension

Kiwi13

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 2:23 am

Thanks!

Kiwi13

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 2:24 am

I’ll keep that angle in mind (making sure the MC is more likable or at least sympathetic) going forward.

singleagain

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 7:01 am

I feel dumb but what's MC stand for here?

Main character... Ok I got it now..

But I actually liked that she speaks like a teen and not like an adult trying to be a teen I really think you captured the voice of a teen.

Kiwi13

Tue, Aug 24 2021, 11:31 am

singleagain wrote:

Thanks! Channeling my inner angsty teen self lol. Got my 8th grade notebooks for mindset reference! ;-)