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Paying Back Parents-Only Child
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 5:28 pm
Do your parents loan you money and do you actually pay it back?

I mentioned this to a friend and she couldn't believe that parents of an only child would make their one child pay back any money.

The parents are average income. Own their own home. Have savings etc.
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amother




Coral
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 5:31 pm
I mean this is very case specific. My only living parent is very poor so if she ever gave me money I couldn’t imagine not repaying it. No adult is entitled to someone else’s money (except Uncle Sams….)
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amother




Geranium
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 5:33 pm
If you borrow money from someone you need to pay it back. Otherwise you'd be stealing.
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amother




Snowdrop
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 5:34 pm
My dh is not an only child.
They lent us money toward our home and we paid them back in full.
They are wonderful loving parents just have lots of kids and not wealthy.
Just bec a parent gas one child doesn’t mean they have the money to give away.

What does number of kids have to do with it.

Someone can have 1 child and 20k savings.

Someone can have 10 kids and 20 million in Savings.

I’d assume the second one would faster give kids money not paid back.

And some ppl want to reach their kids to be self sufficient and responsible.
Number of kids shouldn’t matter.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 5:35 pm
It really depends on the situation and values of the individual.

If someone loans money, it's expected to be repaid. If someone gifts money, it isn't.

I don't think anyone has a right to judge a person for doing what they feel is right with their money.
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amother




Lightgray
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 5:38 pm
I think it’s really different in any situation and there’s no way to judge either way. Is it a significant amount? It’s very possible there’s things about your parents finances that you aren’t aware of and they aren’t able to just give away money right now. Or they can just feel that they don’t want to risk it getting in the way of your relationship.

Personally I’ve given money to family members with no expectation of getting it back, and I find it really hard to not be affected when that person goes and spends on frivolous things. I don’t do it anymore because it’s just too hard for me to say it’s none of my business and not get upset. I can absolutely understand anyone else making financial decisions based on this reasoning..
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 5:41 pm
I am used to the loaning and paying back and have never thought twice about it.

When I mentioned it to a friend she thought it was weird for relatively well off parents to loan their only child money instead of gifting it. As in why the charade of paying back. Who is your money for anyway. Obviously it would be different if the parents needed that money to live.

I was just wondering if other people felt the same. She isn't the first friend to make comments like that. People always think that parents of an only child are over generous and they say things to me that are so not true.
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amother




Ivory
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 5:41 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Do your parents loan you money and do you actually pay it back?

I mentioned this to a friend and she couldn't believe that parents of an only child would make their one child pay back any money.

The parents are average income. Own their own home. Have savings etc.


If your parents LOAN you money then yes, you need to pay it back. If they GIVE you money, its a different story.

Don't count your parents' money. They're staring down retirement and skyrocketing medical costs, especially if they wind up needing care (unless, of course, the only child intends to act as a full time aid, giving dad a shower and wiping mom's derriere if it becomes necessary).

Do you know how much savings they really have? If they're 60, they should have at least $1.7 million stashed away (11 times reasonable income of $150,000 per year). If they don't, then they can't afford to give money away.
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amother




Sienna
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 5:49 pm
My in laws gift us money ask the time, but when we thought we might be $3,000 short for closing on our new house, they offered to lend it to us- we could never ask them to gift us that much
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allthingsblue




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 5:49 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I am used to the loaning and paying back and have never thought twice about it.

When I mentioned it to a friend she thought it was weird for relatively well off parents to loan their only child money instead of gifting it. As in why the charade of paying back. Who is your money for anyway. Obviously it would be different if the parents needed that money to live.

I was just wondering if other people felt the same. She isn't the first friend to make comments like that. People always think that parents of an only child are over generous and they say things to me that are so not true.


People making comments on other people’s finances and inadvertently trying to turn children against their parents is the only thing I see wrong with the picture.
Why are people counting your money and your parents’ money?
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lamplighter




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 5:49 pm
What does being an only child have to do?

If you're loaned money you pay it back.

Parents are not obliged to explain their financial choices to you.

Just say thank you.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 5:50 pm
amother [ Ivory ] wrote:
If your parents LOAN you money then yes, you need to pay it back. If they GIVE you money, its a different story.

Don't count your parents' money. They're staring down retirement and skyrocketing medical costs, especially if they wind up needing care (unless, of course, the only child intends to act as a full time aid, giving dad a shower and wiping mom's derriere if it becomes necessary).

Do you know how much savings they really have? If they're 60, they should have at least $1.7 million stashed away (11 times reasonable income of $150,000 per year). If they don't, then they can't afford to give money away.


I found the tone of your response to be really mean. If you actually read my posts I said my friend brought this up and she isn't the first friend or acquaintance to make a comment like that. So it made me wonder if it really was so uncommon to loan an only child money. So far people in this situation haven't really answered me.
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amother




Khaki
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 5:59 pm
BH my elderly mother has more than enough money and excellent long term care health insurance. She spends much less than she takes in via pensions, Social Security and dividends.

However, she has a very bad case of financial insecurity. She refuses to believe that she has as much money as she does. If she had $10 million she would still think it's not enough. Not because she wants to run out and buy things but she's of afraid of I don't know what.

It's not rational. I'm sure she's not the only parent who has this issue.

She would loan me money if I needed it but would definitely want me to pay her back.
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amother




Lightcoral
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 6:08 pm
some parents are more responsible and don't want to give their money away in case they need it in old age. Some are more generous and don't think so much about the future and give out their last dollar to their kids. Some parents dont want to give kids money on principle they want them to be responsible and not take handouts. It might hurt, but your parents probably mean your good or are just not giving people and you have to come to terms with that.
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amother




Turquoise
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 6:10 pm
I'm so sorry that people make comments to you that are none of their business. Parents have the right to decided how they handle their finances.
My friend who comes from a super-wealthy family has people make all kinds of comments to her about how much money she must have, when in actuality, her parents don't give her any money (they only give money to the children that live in their home country) So yeah, people need to mind their own business.
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amother




Indigo
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 6:11 pm
If they don’t have extra money then it makes sense to loan it temporarily. But if they have the means it’s super weird to me. You help your kids out same way kids should help parents.
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amother




Denim
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 6:17 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Do your parents loan you money and do you actually pay it back?

I mentioned this to a friend and she couldn't believe that parents of an only child would make their one child pay back any money.

The parents are average income. Own their own home. Have savings etc.


I think for the sake of avoiding lashon hara, you shouldnt tell anyone that your parents made you pay back.....bec as you said, a few friends were surprised as if to say that your parents are well off and only have you as a child, so its bad of them to make you pay back(and this is lashon hara or motzei shem ra)


so, there are many possibilities here which are 1) you may not know if your parents have debt or.......I took over my fils finances when he was away on business one summer and although he spends like he is wealthy and has a good paying job, I saw he had 30k of debt
2) you dont know that your parents dont need to save more money or retirement

3) even if they have no debt and enough $ for retirment, you dont know their chesbonos(calculations) maybe they would rather save that $ to "gift" you or your children in the future to pay for weddings or ....its their $ so their choice how to spend it

there is always a possibility that some parents are selfish and dont want their kids to have any of their $ or....but this is unusual and I guess you would know this based on how they act in other areas....

but, even if you are correct that your parents are selfish(which you wouldnt know for sure), pls dont discuss with your friends about your parents loaning you $, it only leads to sins of talking bad about your parents and causing you to think bad of them....im talking from experience...I try to avoid talking to my friends about my relatives and my feelings about $ regarding them.
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amother




Apple
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 6:24 pm
I think it has MUCH more to do with the parents' financial status than with the amount of children they have. For some reason people assume that small family= comfortably covered. Obviously someone with one child has a greater chance of being comfortable, but that's not always the case. People with double digit families may sometimes have more to give.

I seriously have no clue how people have the guts to comment on what your parents are giving you or not. What are they trying to accomplish anyway??
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amother




Papayawhip
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 6:35 pm
amother [ Ivory ] wrote:
If your parents LOAN you money then yes, you need to pay it back. If they GIVE you money, its a different story.

Don't count your parents' money. They're staring down retirement and skyrocketing medical costs, especially if they wind up needing care (unless, of course, the only child intends to act as a full time aid, giving dad a shower and wiping mom's derriere if it becomes necessary).

Do you know how much savings they really have? If they're 60, they should have at least $1.7 million stashed away (11 times reasonable income of $150,000 per year). If they don't, then they can't afford to give money away.


Lots of assumptions in this post.
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amother




Papayawhip
 

Post Tue, Aug 24 2021, 6:37 pm
On the flip side, I've picked up groceries and such for my mom and MIL, and then they ask me for the receipt and count out exact change to pay me back, despite my protests. Really, I would fargin it, it doesn't even feel like something that goes in the category of things to fargin. People are comfortable with different things I guess.
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