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Am I not meant to have more children?
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amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:19 pm
I have 3, ages 1, 4, 7. Thank You Hashem.

Many times it’s nice and fun and enjoyable and loving but many times, well more often than not, it’s siblings fighting, jumping off the beds and making the house shake, teasing, being wild and difficult. And then I lose it. (I do have a background of parental trauma from my mother, it’s been worked in therapy and my therapist said she’s done all the work she can w me.) I scream, I don’t hit or call names but I get really angry and out of control and I’m sure my kids are scared. I try to work on myself constantly but here we are.
One of my biggest triggers is kids waking up the baby (because I nurse, and baby will only fall back asleep if I nurse back to sleep). And also just constant sibling fighting triggers me.

Am I not meant to have more kids? I was reading a book about using the tools you’ve been given to know your mission in life. Is my mission to be happy with what I have, and work on being kind and loving and not yelling at my current children, and not be having more at least at this time?
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amother




Diamond
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:22 pm
Do you want more children now?

Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 22 2021, 10:39 am; edited 1 time in total
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octopus




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:24 pm
Do you need to decide this now? Sometimes people take a break for a few years when they feel overwhelmed. And then resume when they are ready.
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hodeez




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:24 pm
You don't have to have another one right now...reevaluate when things calm down a bit and your kids get older.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:27 pm
SafeAtLast wrote:
Do you want more children now?

Honestly I am very happy with my family now.

But
I feel like it may be religiously better to try
And growing up I was 1 of 4 and always envious of people with larger families. I wouldn’t ttc fit another year though
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justforfun87




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:27 pm
You have a 1yr old. Give your mind and body some time to rest. You seemed to have a nice break between them so you have at least a year. I think we all do what you struggle with. Sometimes the kids are the yummiest and sometimes I go CRAZY. It's usually when I need a break, not them.
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trixx




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:31 pm
This is very binary thinking. I am not perfect to my current children, therefore I should not have any more.

In reality, no parent is perfect. If you're not abusing or mistreating your children then why not bring down more neshamos. While acknowledging that you need help, and seeing it. Children help us grow, we don't have kids to fix us but they show us how to heal. Invest in your parenting, there is lots of trauma informed resources and information specifically in raising kids.
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amother




PlumPink
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:34 pm
Op, you seem to be going through a little of a rough patch, which is pretty typical for a mother of young children. Your kids sound pretty typical, dont despair you will get there, you are working on it. And you dont have to decide on an other baby just yet!! I remember losing my patience when my kids were young and I had wonderful parents.. My kids turned out just fine. It does get easier when they are a little older. hugs!
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bigsis144




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:37 pm
I have only 3 kids. And I am most likely not having any more specifically because of the kids I already have.
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amother




Diamond
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:39 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Honestly I am very happy with my family now.

But
I feel like it may be religiously better to try
And growing up I was 1 of 4 and always envious of people with larger families. I wouldn’t ttc fit another year though


Well no use worrying about it now then.
See how you feel in a year from now.
Maybe things will be different.


Last edited by amother on Wed, Dec 22 2021, 10:39 am; edited 1 time in total
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Ma3




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:47 pm
If your therapist has nothing more to offer and you feel you need more guidance, look for a new one, possibly with different methodology.

Not being ready to have more kids now, doesn't mean never. You can always reevaluate. You definitely have to first be healthy and available for yourself, your husband and kids.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:51 pm
Get a new therapist and give it a few more years
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:52 pm
Find a new therapist or take a parenting course. Or both. You don't need to decide today.
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southernbubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 10:59 pm
I know some people who came from traumatic backgrounds who couldn't safely handle a large family. People do have different capabilities and resources.
I am sure that plenty of rabbonim deal with situations where it's unrealistic to expect some people to continue to have children.
I agree with the others that say that you don't have to decide now.
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Shani88




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 11:42 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I have 3, ages 1, 4, 7. Thank You Hashem.

Many times it’s nice and fun and enjoyable and loving but many times, well more often than not, it’s siblings fighting, jumping off the beds and making the house shake, teasing, being wild and difficult. And then I lose it. (I do have a background of parental trauma from my mother, it’s been worked in therapy and my therapist said she’s done all the work she can w me.) I scream, I don’t hit or call names but I get really angry and out of control and I’m sure my kids are scared. I try to work on myself constantly but here we are.
One of my biggest triggers is kids waking up the baby (because I nurse, and baby will only fall back asleep if I nurse back to sleep). And also just constant sibling fighting triggers me.

Am I not meant to have more kids? I was reading a book about using the tools you’ve been given to know your mission in life. Is my mission to be happy with what I have, and work on being kind and loving and not yelling at my current children, and not be having more at least at this time?


Op are you me? I could have written this post EXACTLY. My kids are even the same exact age as yours. I think about this all the time. I wish I knew what Hashem wanted from me. I have such a difficult time controlling my emotions when my kids fight/tease/hurt each other.
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 11:50 pm
Just to put this out there, I was overwhelmed and lost it a lot when I had a small family. Admittedly I don't have a trauma background but it was really hard for me.

I now have objectively a large family kah, and believe it or not things actually got easier. I am able to handle the chaos better, don't lose it as fast, am more calm.

A few years ago THREE of my kids had a meltdown with me in public when DH wasn't there, which would previously have triggered me to shut down and be near tears, and I literally just felt bad for my kids because I could see they were tired.

If you're working on yourself, no I don't believe that you're "not meant" to have more children. Kids are not expected to have perfect parents, just loving ones who try to improve.

If you feel that having more kids now will be detrimental to you physically or emotionally, that's a reason to wait. But not being a perfect mother is not a compelling reason imho.
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amother




Lightblue
 

Post Sat, Aug 28 2021, 11:57 pm
Im in a similar situation as you. I was having a difficult time accepting not being like everyone else and popping out babies every two years when someone I was talking to about it told me something that I found very profound. 'The same Hashem who you think wants you to have more and more kids, also had you grow up with the parents and traumatic environment you had.' Meaning, if because of my circumstances, in which I was placed and had no control over, I can not handle more kids as of now that's exactly what is wanted of me.

If someone has a physical disability or other reason they are unable to have a large family they don't feel guilty. It's just who they are - you can't blame them for their impairment. Just like you can't blame us for our childhood.
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amother




Wallflower
 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 12:09 am
amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:
Just to put this out there, I was overwhelmed and lost it a lot when I had a small family. Admittedly I don't have a trauma background but it was really hard for me.

I now have objectively a large family kah, and believe it or not things actually got easier. I am able to handle the chaos better, don't lose it as fast, am more calm.

A few years ago THREE of my kids had a meltdown with me in public when DH wasn't there, which would previously have triggered me to shut down and be near tears, and I literally just felt bad for my kids because I could see they were tired.

If you're working on yourself, no I don't believe that you're "not meant" to have more children. Kids are not expected to have perfect parents, just loving ones who try to improve.

If you feel that having more kids now will be detrimental to you physically or emotionally, that's a reason to wait. But not being a perfect mother is not a compelling reason imho.


I’m glad it worked out for you but I don’t think this is good advice.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 12:32 am
I don’t need to make any final decisions now but I as I yelled on Shabbos I found myself thinking about it.

It’s been one and a half years since I had a baby and I’m still triggered when 4 yo wakes up 1 year old. It sends me through the roof. Won’t having another baby at any stage set my parenting back? I don’t ever want to yell at my baby Sad

Right now there’s a lot of yelling at my 4 year old because he needs so much energy and attention and I just don’t have it in me, so he ends up acting out and then I end up yelling like crazy. I see that the yelling does get less as they get older - with my 7 year old there’s arguing but not as much yelling.
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amother




Floralwhite
 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 12:46 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I don’t need to make any final decisions now but I as I yelled on Shabbos I found myself thinking about it.

It’s been one and a half years since I had a baby and I’m still triggered when 4 yo wakes up 1 year old. It sends me through the roof. Won’t having another baby at any stage set my parenting back? I don’t ever want to yell at my baby Sad

Right now there’s a lot of yelling at my 4 year old because he needs so much energy and attention and I just don’t have it in me, so he ends up acting out and then I end up yelling like crazy. I see that the yelling does get less as they get older - with my 7 year old there’s arguing but not as much yelling.

I always see red when one of my kids wakes up the baby.

I've had to work on trusting that the baby WILL fall back asleep, and that the time I put the baby to sleep was NOT wasted time. Not easy!

Knowing your triggers and working to figure out a better way of dealing with them is vital.

It's also good to try to figure out how to avoid the situation in the first place - can you entertain the 4-yo in a different part of the house while baby is napping so that it is less likely to happen?

Kids bring out our worst and help us learn to be our best.
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