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Am I not meant to have more children?
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banana123




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 1:56 am
OP, I would find a new therapist and not worry about whether or not to have another until it becomes a relevant question.
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amother




Lemonchiffon
 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 2:22 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I don’t need to make any final decisions now but I as I yelled on Shabbos I found myself thinking about it.

It’s been one and a half years since I had a baby and I’m still triggered when 4 yo wakes up 1 year old. It sends me through the roof. Won’t having another baby at any stage set my parenting back? I don’t ever want to yell at my baby Sad

Right now there’s a lot of yelling at my 4 year old because he needs so much energy and attention and I just don’t have it in me, so he ends up acting out and then I end up yelling like crazy. I see that the yelling does get less as they get older - with my 7 year old there’s arguing but not as much yelling.


I have a very similar situation to yours. It's not unusual to get triggered by an older kid waking up a baby. Things do get easier a bit as the kids get older, but also their needs become more emotional which can be a bit of an adjustment for someone with a trauma background.
I don't think you need to close the door on having more kids ever, but you can definitely take a bit of a break and work on yourself more, maybe do more therapy, parenting classes. Even people with traumatic backgrounds can benefit from some parenting classes and chizzuk just to change reactive parenting and give you more tools to deal with your current coping mechanisms when things get stressful. I personally found good parenting classes (ongoing!) to be amazing for helping me and improving my interactions with my children and ability to cope under the pressures of parenting.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 2:30 am
So much resonates with me.
I have had 1, 4, 6, 8 year olds and was drowning.
If I didn't yell at kids, they were still always sick because I guess they sensed my stress.
It does get easier. As soon as my oldest became 8-9 und could go places on their own (like, to a friend's house), I noticed palpable relief. Just walking down the street with fewer kids hanging on your side is magic. I felt like a grew wings and things started looking up.

When your older kids go places, when your baby is 3 and you don't need to watch their every step, and tag behind in case they decide to fall backwards, you will already relax and feel like a new person and then will be ready to have another baby.
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amother




Hunter
 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 7:38 pm
Just want to point out, OP, that there are great sleep training methods out there, that teach you how to train your baby to fall asleep without nursing. You could try reading books such as Harvey Karp's guide to sleep...
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amother




Silver
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2022, 7:57 am
My baby is almost 4 and I just turned 39 it’s now or never how do I know if could handle another one? My oldest is a teen and older kids need so much , my kids up with me till I go to sleep , my pregnancy’s are really hard and my baby’s have all been hard for a year at least and I don’t do well without sleep and my husband works like crazy now , but I don’t work but busy with everything bec DH not available but I’m not sure I’m ready but I feel like I’m missing one kid I can’t explain it I really feel like I’ll regret it I’m so sad and my kids begging for another one , yeshivish and everyone around us having babies every second I feel bad for them also
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amother




DarkCyan
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2022, 8:21 am
Learn DBT skills. Don't make decisions now. Many hugs because I have a small family because of my own trauma history.
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amother




Silver
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2022, 8:42 am
Thank you how will DbT skills help? Any way I can learn it without going to a therapist?
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amother




DarkCyan
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2022, 8:47 am
DBT will teach you self regulation skills. It's better with a therapist but there are online groups and tons of books and workbooks if you have the time and patience to teach yourself.
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amother




Silver
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2022, 8:51 am
Thank you!
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amother




Feverfew
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2022, 8:59 am
Agreed with a lot of posters but then reread your Op.

If you get really angry and out of control with your kids now then I would put off thinking about another child until you have a long calm stretch. You may feel regretful but decide that it is best for you to be the best mother you can be means letting go of your childhood feelings and fantasies....or you may feel you are ready for another.
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amother




Vermilion
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2022, 9:01 am
Quote:
My baby is almost 4 and I just turned 39 it’s now or never how do I know if could handle another one? My oldest is a teen and older kids need so much , my kids up with me till I go to sleep , my pregnancy’s are really hard and my baby’s have all been hard for a year at least and I don’t do well without sleep and my husband works like crazy now , but I don’t work but busy with everything bec DH not available but I’m not sure I’m ready but I feel like I’m missing one kid I can’t explain it I really feel like I’ll regret it I’m so sad and my kids begging for another one , yeshivish and everyone around us having babies every second I feel bad for them also

I am in my 9th month and situation sounds very similar. I'm about to turn 39, my youngest is almost 4. I don't regret getting pregnant, but it has been a brutal pregnancy. I feel OLD. And my children have definitely felt my lack of attentiveness over the past 8 months. I really wanted this one more child, but now at this point I am so so sure this is it.

I guess I don't really have advice, more just empathizing with you
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oneofakind




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2022, 9:06 am
Also clinics Ohel, LCSC etc. all have DBT groups.
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amother




Blush
 

Post Thu, Nov 24 2022, 9:11 am
amother Feverfew wrote:
Agreed with a lot of posters but then reread your Op.

If you get really angry and out of control with your kids now then I would put off thinking about another child until you have a long calm stretch. You may feel regretful but decide that it is best for you to be the best mother you can be means letting go of your childhood feelings and fantasies....or you may feel you are ready for another.
Silver is not op.
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