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Playgroup nerves
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:09 pm
Getting very anxious about my ds starting playgroup, he is my first.
What do I do if he is inconsolable and clings to me - I can't leave him like that. Morah doesn't let mothers stay because she said it bothers the other kids. I feel like if that happens I'll just take him home. I need a game plan
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amother
Grape


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:10 pm
How old is he?
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amother
Heather


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:13 pm
I worked in a playgroup for many years. Kids almost always calm down a few minutes after mom leaves. Ask the morah to please let u know in the next few min if he has calmed down ..if she can send u a pic is even better.
Moms who cling to their kids only make it harder for the child to adjust.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:14 pm
I feel you. My toddler (not my 1st but the 1st to start so young) is starting tomorrow and I'm not handling it.
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Frumme




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:17 pm
Have your child meet the Morah by herself (no other children around) before bringing your baby to daycare. Familiarize him with her and better yet if you can do it in the setting where he'll be staying during the day.
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amother
Celeste


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:20 pm
Is he old enough that you can prepare him a few days before - talk about will happen, that your going to say byebye and he's going to play, and eat his snack and etc... then your going to come back. Show him his briefcase so he's fimiliar with it, tell him he's going to take it with him and tell him what you will put inside....

Send him with something fimiliar - like a blanket he can use for comfort if needed

Children pick up on their parents anxiety so if he sees your nervous, it's not so likely he will let you go without crying. If he sees your excited for him, the transition will likely be so much easier (even if he does cry the first few minutes)

If it's any comfortable, I've worked in playgroup and most of the time the kids stop crying withen 3-5 minutes after the parent leaves (sometimes there's that one kid it's just harder for and it takes longer)

I don't think the first time gets any easier no matter what number child it is . My fourth is started playgroup this week and I don't know how I'm going to stomach leaving her either Sad
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:27 pm
amother [ Celeste ] wrote:
Is he old enough that you can prepare him a few days before - talk about will happen, that your going to say byebye and he's going to play, and eat his snack and etc... then your going to come back. Show him his briefcase so he's fimiliar with it, tell him he's going to take it with him and tell him what you will put inside....

Send him with something fimiliar - like a blanket he can use for comfort if needed

Children pick up on their parents anxiety so if he sees your nervous, it's not so likely he will let you go without crying. If he sees your excited for him, the transition will likely be so much easier (even if he does cry the first few minutes)

If it's any comfortable, I've worked in playgroup and most of the time the kids stop crying withen 3-5 minutes after the parent leaves (sometimes there's that one kid it's just harder for and it takes longer)

I don't think the first time gets easier with age. My fourth is started playgroup this week and I don't know how I'm going to stomach leaving her either Sad


Thank you for this, I feel like a silly first time mom Sad
he is older 2s, but socially younger and very timid he'll just cry if someone takes away his toy. today I talked through what's going to happen, and he got excited about his new knapsack. but later he told me he's going to cry when he goes to morah Sad

unfortunately morah won't let us come over to familiarize beforehand, just by the 1 hour orientation tomorrow. I will ask morah to tell me if he's crying for more than 15 min, but I feel a bit silly since theres so many other kids.
I need to project confidence and excitement, but I don't know how when I just feel like crying inside
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:28 pm
Frumme wrote:
Have your child meet the Morah by herself (no other children around) before bringing your baby to daycare. Familiarize him with her and better yet if you can do it in the setting where he'll be staying during the day.


she doesn't let Sad
wish I'd known to ask these types of things a year ago when I signed up, I was so focused on just finding SOMETHING
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:29 pm
amother [ Heather ] wrote:
I worked in a playgroup for many years. Kids almost always calm down a few minutes after mom leaves. Ask the morah to please let u know in the next few min if he has calmed down ..if she can send u a pic is even better.
Moms who cling to their kids only make it harder for the child to adjust.


is that normal to do in a bigger playgroup? (I think like 12-14 kids) or will I just come off as the anxious mom
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Sb1234




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:37 pm
Prepare your child as much as possible beforehand. Talk it through with him- Mommy is going to walk you into Morah and give you a big hug and kiss and say goodbye. You might feel a little sad to see Mommy leave and that’s okay but remember Mommy will always come back to pick you up. You will have a great day playing with your new friends and toys. If you feel sad you can ask Morah for a hug or bring your favorite truck to play with or book to read… Mommy will always come to pick you up (repeat that line a lot)….

Repeat this a couple times for a day or two before. Talk it through as you drop him off. Don’t waver when he starts to cry. Say- Mommy loves you so so much and I will be back to pick you up. You will have a great time at Morah and I can’t wait to see you later…

You can totally ask the Morah to text you when he stops crying. Or just an hour into the day text her how he’s doing… It’s very hard as a first time mom but don’t project your anxiety on him- he will feel it!
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:47 pm
Sb1234 wrote:
Prepare your child as much as possible beforehand. Talk it through with him- Mommy is going to walk you into Morah and give you a big hug and kiss and say goodbye. You might feel a little sad to see Mommy leave and that’s okay but remember Mommy will always come back to pick you up. You will have a great day playing with your new friends and toys. If you feel sad you can ask Morah for a hug or bring your favorite truck to play with or book to read… Mommy will always come to pick you up (repeat that line a lot)….

Repeat this a couple times for a day or two before. Talk it through as you drop him off. Don’t waver when he starts to cry. Say- Mommy loves you so so much and I will be back to pick you up. You will have a great time at Morah and I can’t wait to see you later…

You can totally ask the Morah to text you when he stops crying. Or just an hour into the day text her how he’s doing… It’s very hard as a first time mom but don’t project your anxiety on him- he will feel it!


Thank you so much, I needed the step by step instructions!
What do I do if he clings to me? When he's scared he holds onto my skirt for dear life.
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amother
Celeste


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:51 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you for this, I feel like a silly first time mom Sad
he is older 2s, but socially younger and very timid he'll just cry if someone takes away his toy. today I talked through what's going to happen, and he got excited about his new knapsack. but later he told me he's going to cry when he goes to morah Sad

unfortunately morah won't let us come over to familiarize beforehand, just by the 1 hour orientation tomorrow. I will ask morah to tell me if he's crying for more than 15 min, but I feel a bit silly since theres so many other kids.
I need to project confidence and excitement, but I don't know how when I just feel like crying inside


Crying at this age when a toy is taken away isn't necessarlly a bad thing, - this way the teacher will know something is wrong and go help him (as opposed to a child who's just quite, the teacher doesn't realize kids are taking things away from him). Of course speaking up is better, but a 2.5 yr old is still young and it's age appropriate to also cry. He will learn as the year goes on.

Don't know if any comfort but if his crying is excessive (meaning going on a lot longer the other children) it's likely the teacher will tell you - most teacher wouldn't let a child cry for the whole day.

I know what you mean about how hard it is to project excitement while feeling like crying...keep telling yourself your doing it for him as you push yourself.

Depending on the set up maybe you can wait outside for a few minutes till you hear him stop crying? That's what I'm going to try to do....it will help reassure me a lot


In case it will help this is how I will manage
- try to force myself not to feel/pay attention to any emotions till I after DD is dropped off just focus on her and talk about everything exciting that will happen every time my mind tries to wander back to feeling sad and afraid for her

- tell myself that all kids go through this and they come out ok (and their are plenty of kids like your son who get through going to playgroup, in fact my DD sounds a little like him)

- tell myself the teacher has yrs of experience so must know how to handle kids who have a hard time adjusting

- I've heard from other parents that their kids loved it there - so the teacher must be doing things right - otherwise I would have heard from prev parents that their kids hated to be dropped of and etc... (Obv minus the first few days - that's normal)

- after dropping off dd giving myself a few minutes to cry and feel for her

- then having my day jam packed so I don't have to think about how she's doing. Maybe plan to do something fun now that I don't have to take her along

Edta when you first walk in to bring him, you can try to point out his favorite toy that he can go to (still say goodbye to him, so he knows he can trust you and you don't just disappear randomly on him)
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amother
Crocus


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:52 pm
My pre 1 A ds who's been in school for the past 4 years has been going to school screaming everyday. I just bring them in and I leave it makes it worse if I stay. (It's a huge adjustment for him since his desk this year and a rebbi)
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amother
Darkblue


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:53 pm
Preschool Morah here.
It’s very concerning that the teacher won’t let you stay.
Of course you should stay.
Don’t leave your child crying.
You will cause trauma and anxiety later on in life.
Meet the Morah prior to preschool. If she doesn’t let sorry that’s a major red flag.
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amother
Darkblue


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:54 pm
amother [ Crocus ] wrote:
My pre 1 A ds who's been in school for the past 4 years has been going to school screaming everyday. I just bring them in and I leave it makes it worse if I stay. (It's a huge adjustment for him since his desk this year and a rebbi)

Sorry that’s not ok. You should be doing something about this as a mom. That’s so sad for your child:(
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amother
Darkblue


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 10:57 pm
Also role play a lot with your child. Talk to your child about what will happen in school. Play school with your child and joke that you wish you can stay with him the whole day but that so silly as mommy’s don’t go to school!
If your child is scared the first day and you don’t need the school for babysitting then stay with him for an hour and make it pleasant and enjoyable and then leave together. Do the same the next day but try to see if you can leave yourself and say you will be back at a certain time ( example after lunch) I would do a shortened day and be reliable about that. Within a short time your child will be fine and happy to go to school!
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 11:00 pm
amother [ Darkblue ] wrote:
Preschool Morah here.
It’s very concerning that the teacher won’t let you stay.
Of course you should stay.
Don’t leave your child crying.
You will cause trauma and anxiety later on in life.
Meet the Morah prior to preschool. If she doesn’t let sorry that’s a major red flag.


I disagree. Mom staying makes it worse for the child.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 11:02 pm
amother [ Celeste ] wrote:
Crying at this age when a toy is taken away isn't necessarlly a bad thing, - this way the teacher will know something is wrong and go help him (as opposed to a child who's just quite, the teacher doesn't realize kids are taking things away from him). Of course speaking up is better, but a 2.5 yr old is still young and it's age appropriate to also cry. He will learn as the year goes on.

Don't know if any comfort but if his crying is excessive (meaning going on a lot longer the other children) it's likely the teacher will tell you - most teacher wouldn't let a child cry for the whole day.

I know what you mean about how hard it is to project excitement while feeling like crying...keep telling yourself your doing it for him as you push yourself.

Depending on the set up maybe you can wait outside for a few minutes till you hear him stop crying? That's what I'm going to try to do....it will help reassure me a lot


In case it will help this is how I will manage
- try to force myself not to feel/pay attention to any emotions till I after DD is dropped off just focus on her and talk about everything exciting that will happen every time my mind tries to wander back to feeling sad and afraid for her

- tell myself that all kids go through this and they come out ok (and their are plenty of kids like your son who get through going to playgroup, in fact my DD sounds a little like him)

- tell myself the teacher has yrs of experience so must know how to handle kids who have a hard time adjusting

- I've heard from other parents that their kids loved it there - so the teacher must be doing things right - otherwise I would have heard from prev parents that their kids hated to be dropped of and etc... (Obv minus the first few days - that's normal)

- after dropping off dd giving myself a few minutes to cry and feel for her

- then having my day jam packed so I don't have to think about how she's doing. Maybe plan to do something fun now that I don't have to take her along

Edta when you first walk in to bring him, you can try to point out his favorite toy that he can go to (still say goodbye to him, so he knows he can trust you and you don't just disappear randomly on him)


Thank you so much, it makes me feel so much better that there's others that commiserate. My friends seem a bit nonchalant.. and I really appreciated your thought processes
Good tip with not feeling the emotions, it's exactly what you said the feeling sad and afraid for him. I will keep telling myself that others do it and are fine
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 11:05 pm
amother [ Darkblue ] wrote:
Also role play a lot with your child. Talk to your child about what will happen in school. Play school with your child and joke that you wish you can stay with him the whole day but that so silly as mommy’s don’t go to school!
If your child is scared the first day and you don’t need the school for babysitting then stay with him for an hour and make it pleasant and enjoyable and then leave together. Do the same the next day but try to see if you can leave yourself and say you will be back at a certain time ( example after lunch) I would do a shortened day and be reliable about that. Within a short time your child will be fine and happy to go to school!


Thank you! I was hoping that I would be able to do that bec I really think ds would benefit from me being there, and I don't need the babysitting yet. But morah said she doesn't like for mothers to stay bec it makes it harder for the other kids. There is orientation the day before, so hopefully that helps a little

I def plan to pick up ds early until he's happy there.
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Frumme




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Aug 29 2021, 11:33 pm
amother [ Darkblue ] wrote:
Preschool Morah here.
It’s very concerning that the teacher won’t let you stay.
Of course you should stay.
Don’t leave your child crying.
You will cause trauma and anxiety later on in life.
Meet the Morah prior to preschool. If she doesn’t let sorry that’s a major red flag.


I agree. It's a little strange. And I find it strange that she won't let you familiarize your child with her beforehand (in a non-daycare setting). The fact that she's so black and white about it is not a positive. An acceptable thing for a Morah to say would be something like, "I would prefer not to have moms around the first day because XYZ," not "I don't allow it."

Is anyone holding her accountable? Does she have a boss or is just doing this in her house?
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