Daughter upset about new job! Please advise!

imasinger

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 7:10 am

amother [ Red ] wrote:

I don't know what you SHOULD tell your daughter, but I can tell you what I'd tell my own kids:

This is all very hard and frustrating for you. It's going to be a real learning experience.

What do you think you should do?

Do you think it might be a good idea to wait a few weeks and see if things get easier or not?

We all make mistakes. I'm not sure if this was a mistake or not, but it definitely is a challenge!

Do you want to talk it over with me or with a friend to see if there are alternative solutions to some of the issues that are bothering you most?

This, all of it. Great post.

I think I might add that if you can gently encourage her not to quit if they're counting on her to cover during a maternity leave, but to use that time to think and search for a job she might like better, it would be a good idea.

Trust me, having young adults sit at home with nothing doing is horrible for both the kids and the parents.

amother

Snowflake

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 7:16 am

My daughter took a 12 month job as her first job. She loved her job, but didn't like her place she worked at. She did schooling as well. We paid for the laptop, books and incidentals. Dd paid the tuition and we gave her a couple hundred and few times a year.

Dd graduated at the end of the year. She quit her job before the summer so that she can concentrate on the last semesters exams. She also needed a different job the next year, field work for the masters program.

She got her summer and worked at a camp.

OP, I think your dd should stick to this job until May, unless she wants to work in a school. It seems that she is in school for something. She can leave in May and state that she needs to concentrate on school. Work will give her experience she needs for any future employment.

amother

Obsidian

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 9:05 am

She can always quit before the summer - she’s not signing a contract. Is there anything about the job she likes? Does she work with her friends currently? She can give it 3 months to try out, to see what it’s like and get some experience. If she proves herself and they like her, maybe they’ll be flexible if she needs to take off for a wedding. The weddings haven’t come up yet, it’s all hypothetical. Unless she’s miserable with the work and the people, no need to do anything hasty.
In the meantime she can network and do a bit more legwork to see what’s out there, and if the type of job she’s looking for exists.

amother

Wandflower

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 9:25 am

1 week into a job isn't very long. Even seasoned workers will take time to adjust to a new work place, even more for a young girl who's never done it before.
I wouldn't jump to leave immediately because she might feel differently once she's been there a bit longer.
She should use the time to work out what she does/doesn't like about her work place and if necessary look for something else.
Also if she's studying, would she not want to get a job related to that?

amother

Freesia

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 9:50 am

If its the kind of office that regularly hires girls just out of seminary, it probably has high staff turnover and is expecting workers to not stay very long (especially as you mention your daughter taking over for someone who left due to getting married and moving away). So I kinda doubt they will get shocked if you daughter leaves before 12 months are up.

However, it sounds like she does need the money to at least get through the school year. Unless you live in an area where it is easy for new graduates to get jobs, I'd recommend she stick with it for at least that long. (Most sem grads in my area end up doing odd babysitting jobs while they are in college.)

She can always give notice well before the summer. And don't forget, if she does well at this job for the next several months that's something to put on her job resume or give the name of her boss as a job reference, even several years from now.

amother

Chicory

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 10:08 am

The problem here is that your daughter is not making smart, thought out decisions.
She was too quick to make her decision about taking the job, but she also is too quick to decide to leave.
She needs to be taught to weigh the pros and cons of each job carefully and come to an educated and smart conclusion.

First off, does she have another job to go to? What kind of job does she even want? Does she understand the package of pros and cons that come along with every single job?

I do agree that there is no reason she has to stay at a job she doesn't like. She should know that it was a mistake and she'll learn for the future.
However, I do not think she should rush out of this job this second. Let her stay a bit longer while she looks for a new job and decides what she wants to do in life.
If she has to work over this Chol hamoed, that's fine (it will be a good learning experience to take responsibility, though disappointing). Let her have the time to make a decision. She doesn't have to worry about the summer - it's months away. She could always quit in June if she wants the summer off and find a new job then.

amother

Goldenrod

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 10:15 am

Your daughter learned a lesson. At the interview you ask all the questions and state your terms. Nicely of course but still the interview is not just for the employer to state what the terms will be like it's also for the employee to state their own terms obviously you can't demand everything but yes you can say I want to work 10 months because I'm busy in the summer, I don't work chol hamoed but I can work legal holidays.
I did that when I was looking for a job when I applied at a daycare we discussed them taking in my children I said I can only take the job if they give me a slot. It might sound weird since I was single at the time but guess what when they broke their promise I was able to quit saying "you said and you didn't do" its Also a good idea before taking a job to check out if the staff likes it there if they all leave every year then no that means it's an abusive place

essie14

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 11:48 am

amother [ Poinsettia ] wrote:

Your daughter needs to grow up a little bit and face facts that this is what her life looks like now. If she doesn't want to work in a school, she's not going to have summers off. Period end of discussion.
Welcome to the adult world- most of us work 12 months a year and use most if not all of our vacation days for yomim tovim.
Sorry.

This.
I stopped going to camp after 11th grade. I started working right away after seminary because I needed money to pay for college.
Welcome to adulting.
I missed plenty of weddings because I had to work. That's life.
I also work on Purim, Chol hamoed, and erev YT.

hardworking mom

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 12:14 pm

essie14 wrote:

No that's not called "adulting" it's called being taken advantage of. Unless those were the terms discussed before you took your job and you don't mind it. Ops dd seems to mind and yes she can find a job she likes and where the working hours are to her liking. That's exactly what I was told when I was working at a place that was mean to me and treated me like a slave these people owe me a lot of money and I will never ever forgive them. It's not called being an adult it's called being a pushover

amother

Crimson

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 1:04 pm

torquoise wrote:

I don't understand what your question is.
I completely understand everything you said.
I don't know what kind of relationship you have with her, but I would tell my daughter "I really feel for you. I wish you would have listened when I told you to look into the details more."
Also understand - she's at a very beginning point of her independence. She will make mistakes and hopefully learn from them. It's hard to watch, but we need to let our kids make mistakes.

I was surprised this got so many likes.
You're essentially telling op to tell her daughter, "I told you so."
Daughter feels she made a mistake and I'm sure she can remember her mother told her not to do this.
"I told you so" at this point is not helpful, and will make her resentful and less receptive to any advice she gets in the future.
If she wants to talk it over with her mother they can discuss the pros and cons of different options. In the end it's up to her, she's an adult and will figure things out on her own like we all did.

essie14

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 1:36 pm

hardworking mom wrote:

Working in a secular company is called being a pushover?
In what ideal world do you live in where people can take off whenever they want?
No one was ever mean to me, I've worked in terrific places. That doesnt mean I can take off every erev chag and go to weddings out of town once a month.
Most people need money to live.

amother

Wandflower

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 2:10 pm

essie14 wrote:

I think there's a happy medium between what you're both saying. There are definitely bosses that take advantage of you and push you past what is reasonable. I used to have my boss email me at all times of day and night, and if I didn't answer them within the hour, I would get a follow up email, why are you ignoring me? Needless to say I don't work for them anymore.
I made the choice to work for a school part-time, which might mean I don't earn as much as I could. OTOH, I am off work when my kids are, I am able to pick up/drop off and generally have more flexibility than I would have if I had gone into more corporate work places.
I personally have a very strong work ethic-it was what I saw at home and how I was brought up. However, I have found that the concept of a strong work ethic doesn't seem to exist as it used to. I remember shortly after we hired one girl, she assumed she could just take off work for a long weekend when she wanted to go away.
If I had a wedding to go to, either I would go after work hours, or I wouldn't go. But I do see that perhaps I am too strict and would miss out on things but too far the other way just isn't professional.

hardworking mom

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 7:10 pm

essie14 wrote:

No I did not say that I said if it works for you and you don't mind great but if you do and it won't work out for you then you should speak up

amother

Snapdragon

Sun, Sep 05 2021, 8:47 pm

amother [ Crimson ] wrote:

If she wants to talk it over with her mother they can discuss the pros and cons of different options. In the end it's up to her, she's an adult and will figure things out on her own like we all did.

I wonder though if this girl understand the concept of what the working world entails. She doesn't want to work in a school, but yet she wants to work only 10 months of the year and be free to take off when it works for her. I think a conversation needs to be had to get the girl to get her to realize what the adult world is all about. For example, I'd first sympathize with her that this job is not working out for her, but then direct the questions to what she is looking for. If she says she wants a job that is only 10 months of the year, I'd follow up with asking her to list what kind of jobs offer only 10 months of employment. If she comes up empty other than the school environment, then she'll gain some awareness of what choices she has. If she says she doesn't want to work now because she still wants her childhood freedom, then I'd inform her that she has to come up with ways to pay for her own stuff.

She has entered adulthood, and she needs to begin making adult choices. She has to come to the realization that part of adulting is doing things we don't want to do. We all do it because we have to, not because we want to.