Do u discourage the use of “never” “always”

amother

Anemone

Fri, Sep 10 2021, 11:45 am

Zehava wrote:

It’s tiring to be an empathetic parent sometimes. Ofcourse it can be tempting to just try to fix our kid and move on. But that is not the job of a parent. Our job as a parent is to provide the optimal environment for inner growth. Not to force that growth upon a child.

It’s probably even more tiring to be the child that is constantly having negative feelings. Don’t you agree that it would be better for our children if we taught them a way to express themselves that is more positive?

Zehava

Fri, Sep 10 2021, 11:47 am

amother [ Anemone ] wrote:

You have an opinion that you’re trying very hard to push. I get what you’re saying, but we’re not talking about judgement here. We are talking about encouraging our children to have a growth mindset, and we do so by teaching them a new way to speak.

We’re not telling them we know better than them how they feel. We are simply giving them tools to make their lives a more positive one. And this isn’t because they are defective and we need to fix them, but rather giving them tools to live a happier life.

And I suggest doing this NOT as a response to negative expression, but regather at a calm moment.

Also, let’s talk about what you keep mentioning about speaking to adults. Are you the mother of these adults you’re referring to? I think not. Your position is different. We don’t toilet train our adult friends, but we do our kids. We don’t put adults to sleep, but we do our kids. We don’t remind adults about bedtime, but we do to our kids.

Comparing the way we parent our children and speaking to adults is so odd to me. I agree they both deserve respect, but we definitely don’t relate to them in the exact same way.

I’m guessing this is part of the “positive vibes only” mindset am I right?

Zehava

Fri, Sep 10 2021, 11:48 am

amother [ Anemone ] wrote:

Having negative feelings is part of being human. Repressing them makes them stay in the body instead of being released.

amother

Anemone

Fri, Sep 10 2021, 12:01 pm

Zehava wrote:

I’m guessing this is part of the “positive vibes only” mindset am I right?

Um, no. You’re wrong.
I think expressing negative feelings is healthy.
HOWEVER, when a child is expressing black and white negative thinking it is NOT healthy.

To say “you never let me go” isn’t true, even if that’s a person’s feeling.

But I’m not gonna repeat myself. It’s flying right over your head, and I won’t waste my time.

behappy2

Fri, Sep 10 2021, 12:19 pm

Not the same maybe but similar type of parenting dilemma. We were on the way home from a museum and my son was going on and on about he is so upset and he didnt get to see a certain exhibit. There were so many things we did see and he had a good time and his comment felt very out of place. For a few years I had been doing the whole validating thing and this time I decided to try something new in addition. I told him to name all the things he did see and enjoyed and explained to him that sometimes they close down exhibits and yes, it's disappointing but he still had a good time. I expected him to double down and get upset. Instead he smiled and got all enthusiastic about all the things he saw and did there. It taught me that as patents we really are leaders and we set the tone.

amother

DarkRed

Fri, Sep 10 2021, 1:37 pm

Zehava wrote:

I give my child the same basic human decency and respect that I would afford an adult. So if I wouldn’t correct the way an adult chooses to vent to me I wouldn’t do that to my child either. My children can feel safe to use any words they choose to express how they feel, without their word usage or the content being judged and corrected.
I don’t view my children as defective items in need of constant fixing. I don’t think I know better than them how they feel or how to express those feelings.
I think all human beings deserve to have a safe space where we can be, and express ourselves freely without looking over our shoulder. As parents that is the greatest gift we can give our kids, and ultimately ourselves. Judgement kills connections and connection is the greatest tool we have when it comes to raising our children.
I challenge you to continue venting and expressing your feelings to a mentor, friend, or therapist who is constantly correcting your words.

But the thing is we are supposed to help and guide our children. We are not supposed to treat them as adults. And not helping them gain every tool possible as children is doing them a disservice. It’s not about fixing or seeing kids as defective. It’s about giving them a real shot at having a good life, one in which they know how to use every tool for every scenario they will encounter when they no longer live in a safe bubble under mommy’s apron. Also it’s really frustrating for kids to feel lost, overwhelmed and unsure how to deal with things, they look to us as parents to help them, and it’s not a great feeling when the parent just stares back and says feel and do whatever you’ll figure it all out someday. I do see a theme of seeing any sort of guidance to our children as judgment, fixing, looking down and negative associations. It’s the opposite. A healthy parent will put in effort and work to lovingly guide their children giving them as many tools as possible so that they can have a leg up in the world.

Zehava

Fri, Sep 10 2021, 1:46 pm

amother [ DarkRed ] wrote:

Nowhere did I mention staring back and saying feel and do whatever you want.
I did mention empathizing, reflecting, and sometimes rephrasing as we do so.

amother

Jasmine

Fri, Sep 10 2021, 3:27 pm

I mean, one of the most basic pieces of marriage advice is don't tell your spouse "you always/you never" but rather use "I language". So why not start teaching that lesson young so when they're married, they'll know how to do that.

That said, definitely be wise about how you go about it. Don't do it in a condescending/correcting way. Oooh, I remember how frustrating it used to be to hear from an adult "I don't know, CAN you?" Or "you don't hate carrots. You hate Hitler. You dislike carrots." Just to make some dumb point about semantics and precision with your language when they know full well what you mean. That's not good. But a gentle probe, helping them work through their feelings on the matter and what might be a gentler way to communicate a complaint, that's fair game, and good idea in general.