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My 18 year old daughter wants to start shidduchim
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 8:52 pm
Today I was talking with my oldest child, it started with me asking her about school (she's in her first semester of college), she told me she liked her classes, she got her exams rescheduled for yomtov, all is good, and she likes how she can still see her friends on the evenings, and really she sounded positive. Then she said that one thing had been on her mind, and after beating around the bush a bit, she told me she has been thinking about dating, and how she always pictured getting married while still in school.

She has never really mentioned this before, so I asked her if this arose because she has met someone.

She said chas v'shalom, because she doesn't talk to boys,but she wanted to get married young and she didn't see why she couldn't be married and study. I told her of course she could do that, but where is it coming from?
She then said that she wants to start dating and meeting matches. I didn't get it at first, so I said ''what matches?''.
She then told me that she didn't want to talk about it anymore and mumbled something about a bad idea. She went to her room and closed the door, and the policy in our house is that we let the kids cool off when they do that.


The whole thing was very weird to me. I quickly spoke about it with my husband and he said my daughter meant shidduchim, rather than dating.

My husband and I are border on the MO spectrum, but our girls are bais yaakov. We met organically, no shadchan, no limited amount of dates, and we went at our own pace.

I realize now my daughter wants proper shidduchim. Like, a shadchan and being set up on dates and having my husband and I involved in the process. My husband said she is way too young, and he would never want her to get married before she finishes her degree, and not in ''some arranged marriage''. I told him that, as much as I agreed with him, it's her life and we have very little to no say in it, and if we are not supportive of her, things can go sour very quickly.

I want to be as supportive as I can of her, and I'm wondering if any of the Imas who are yeshivish/bais yaakov could maybe offer some advice as to how to navigate this with her? What should be my next step? My daughter obviously feels a bit awkward about it given her reaction today. We haven't talked about it since this afternoon. Had dinner as usual.

Most of my friends who also have teenage children are MO, and their kids are far away from wanting to get married. I don't really know who to turn to. Should I just do nothing and wait for her to bring it up again?

Even then, if this is what she wants, I have no idea how to go about it. Could anyone give me some ideas on where to go from here? I feel like this is a very fragile, sensitive topic, and I don't want to handle it the wrong way, so I'd love to hear different thoughts on this.



Thank you in advance.
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amother




Bottlebrush
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 9:11 pm
I would start by reaching out to a teacher or rebetzin that you or your daughter are close with who is more yeshivish. If you or your daughter have a relationship with someone like this, she can guide you through the shidduch process. In a nutshell, the way it works is that you sort of put the word out there that your daughter is ready to date. You know mention casually to friends, neighbors, your daughters teachers etc, ppl who may know someone. You should also find shadchanim who work with people in yeshivish circles if that is what your daughter is looking for. You would reach out to the shadchanim and they would probably want to meet with you and your daughter. When a boy is suggested, either by a shadchan or a friend, they will ask for your daughters resume. When you meet with a shadchan or speak to your rebetzin they can help you create a resume. Basically it is a piece of paper with basic info about your daughter and the names and numbers of some references. You will also ask for the boy's resume. Once you have the perspective boys resume you will call his references on his resume and its advisable to also find references that are not on the resume. You are trying to find out if he will be a good match for your daughter. Are their goals the same, does he come from a healthy background, what is his personality like etc. After both sets of parents do their research the boy and girl go out on their first date. The first few dates are typically arranged by the shadchin but if they progress then the boy will begin to call the girl directly to arrange the dates.
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southernbubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 9:14 pm
Most people would not consider a girl that young for their son.
Tell her that by getting her degree, she is preparing for marriage and make her feel like everything that she is doing now is working on the goal.
Probably in a year or two, people will show an interest in setting her up.
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amother




Birch
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 9:31 pm
I am MO. So feel free to disregard what I am saying, as I am coming from a very different place.

I would recommend that you and DH have a conversation with her about why she wants to get married now, so young. Does she think it is an ideal? Is it a badge of honor? Is it that she actually wants to be married for the companionship? Does she fully understand what being married entails?
I am not in-favor or against her getting married so young. The question is why does she want this and does she understand all the responsibilities and implications.
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amother




Hosta
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 9:35 pm
Yeshivsh upbringing here-
Shidduch dating doesn't have to be arranged or forced. It's literally just getting set up instead of meeting on your own. The rest of the details are up to the young man and woman and you and your husband
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chestnut




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 9:40 pm
Usually Bais Yaakov girls go to a seminary for a year right after school, so they start dating at 19, once they return.
Did her friends go to a seminary or also straight to college? Did they start dating already?
Maybe tell her that it would be a good idea to get used to the college, studying, etc. Better yet, talking to her HS teacher she respects and likes is probably the best.
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ImmaBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 9:52 pm
Maybe your daughter is a little nervous about the “shidduch crisis” and wants to get a head start if she knows it might take some time for the phone to start ringing. Also, she might be nervous about your having the right connections...
in the end it’s all siyata d’shmaya, 100%.
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Moonlight




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 9:57 pm
Yeshivish here. I started dating when I was 18. Got married when I was 20. No regrets. Take her to meet your local shadchan/shadchanit and be supportive and positive about it
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Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 10:17 pm
Does she have a mentor?
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amother




Topaz
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 10:27 pm
Moonlight wrote:
Yeshivish here. I started dating when I was 18. Got married when I was 20. No regrets. Take her to meet your local shadchan/shadchanit and be supportive and positive about it


I agree. Your daughter says she's ready to start shidduchim, so be there for her. Just because she might start at 18 doesn't mean she will get married at 18.
If you believe she is mature enough then be supportive and tell her that you are happy to help her. Sit with her and create a shidduch resume together. Then start by calling shadchanim and getting her name out there. You're daughter opened up to you about something important to her and was vulnerable. Its important for her to know that you respect her and and her feelings. And at the end of the day, it's her life (like you said) if she wants to start dating she will either do it with you or without you. You might as well be there for her and help her.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 10:31 pm
amother [ Bottlebrush ] wrote:
I would start by reaching out to a teacher or rebetzin that you or your daughter are close with who is more yeshivish. If you or your daughter have a relationship with someone like this, she can guide you through the shidduch process. In a nutshell, the way it works is that you sort of put the word out there that your daughter is ready to date. You know mention casually to friends, neighbors, your daughters teachers etc, ppl who may know someone. You should also find shadchanim who work with people in yeshivish circles if that is what your daughter is looking for. You would reach out to the shadchanim and they would probably want to meet with you and your daughter. When a boy is suggested, either by a shadchan or a friend, they will ask for your daughters resume. When you meet with a shadchan or speak to your rebetzin they can help you create a resume. Basically it is a piece of paper with basic info about your daughter and the names and numbers of some references. You will also ask for the boy's resume. Once you have the perspective boys resume you will call his references on his resume and its advisable to also find references that are not on the resume. You are trying to find out if he will be a good match for your daughter. Are their goals the same, does he come from a healthy background, what is his personality like etc. After both sets of parents do their research the boy and girl go out on their first date. The first few dates are typically arranged by the shadchin but if they progress then the boy will begin to call the girl directly to arrange the dates.


Thank you for your response, I find this very useful and I'll definitely try to find someone else that both my daughter and I know that could help ease us into it
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 10:32 pm
southernbubby wrote:
Most people would not consider a girl that young for their son.
Tell her that by getting her degree, she is preparing for marriage and make her feel like everything that she is doing now is working on the goal.
Probably in a year or two, people will show an interest in setting her up.



This is very very true, thank you, I will keep it in mind
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 10:33 pm
amother [ Birch ] wrote:
I am MO. So feel free to disregard what I am saying, as I am coming from a very different place.

I would recommend that you and DH have a conversation with her about why she wants to get married now, so young. Does she think it is an ideal? Is it a badge of honor? Is it that she actually wants to be married for the companionship? Does she fully understand what being married entails?
I am not in-favor or against her getting married so young. The question is why does she want this and does she understand all the responsibilities and implications.


This is exactly what my husband and I think! We think there might be an underlying reason but don't really know what. It's not like her, and it's definitely not what she saw from us
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 10:34 pm
chestnut wrote:
Usually Bais Yaakov girls go to a seminary for a year right after school, so they start dating at 19, once they return.
Did her friends go to a seminary or also straight to college? Did they start dating already?
Maybe tell her that it would be a good idea to get used to the college, studying, etc. Better yet, talking to her HS teacher she respects and likes is probably the best.



Most of her friends staid and went straight to college, but most girls in her class did go to sem. She didn't really want to go and she was very makpid about her studies, that's why her saying she wants to get married seems very sudden.
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chestnut




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 10:40 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Most of her friends staid and went straight to college, but most girls in her class did go to sem. She didn't really want to go and she was very makpid about her studies, that's why her saying she wants to get married seems very sudden.

I hear. Are her friends who're in college dating already?
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 10:42 pm
amother [ Topaz ] wrote:
I agree. Your daughter says she's ready to start shidduchim, so be there for her. Just because she might start at 18 doesn't mean she will get married at 18.
If you believe she is mature enough then be supportive and tell her that you are happy to help her. Sit with her and create a shidduch resume together. Then start by calling shadchanim and getting her name out there. You're daughter opened up to you about something important to her and was vulnerable. Its important for her to know that you respect her and and her feelings. And at the end of the day, it's her life (like you said) if she wants to start dating she will either do it with you or without you. You might as well be there for her and help her.



You're 100% right, and I do want to be there for her and be supportive. I'll get started doing what I can and ask her how she wants to go about it. It just took us by surprise, and we are unsure of the steps. I mean you can tell how clueless I am about the yeshivish dating system that when she mentioned dating, I thought she was telling me she was dating someone. That's pretty much how we do in my family. But I also want her to feel that even if she's doing things differently than her father and I did, I am 100% ok with it. (and am hoping her father will get on board eventually)

That's why the situation is so delicate
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 10:43 pm
As a BT, who identifies JPF, married to a man who identifies MO, I, too, went through some readjustment when my oldest DD (who went to BY) wanted to start shidduchim after seminary.

We at first said she needed to have her undergraduate degree before starting, then, when time showed how responsible she was, we modified it to, "you can start dating when the end is in sight."

We had previously said repeatedly that if she wanted to marry someone who would be learning, and she wanted to have a large family, she'd have to have a great source of income, and some flexibility in her work hours. That would mean getting that degree before starting married life.

With the help of a program which gave college credit for seminary, Raizel Reit and CLEPs, that was sometime between 19 and 20, I think. She was married shortly after she turned 22, and at that point, had her master's degree, and was well on the way to certification in her field.

If your DD wants to marry while still in school, she'll have to think through how maintaining a marriage, and possibly a pregnancy, would work with that. Yes, people do it, but it's not easy. Does she know of anyone who has gone that route?

Keep in mind that even once you and your DH agree to start, the process often takes a while. Just even to find a match where both families agree to let the kids meet can take months, and for whatever reason, there appear to be far more girls ready than boys.

It's not unusual to spend several years where there are a few intense dating experiences, and long dry spells.

The professional shadchanim work best with families they know. Others often fare better with personal connection -- a friend's brother's friend, etc.

My suggestion would be to tell her to get good grades this term, and then you'll be ready to begin a conversation about resumes, what she's looking for in a life partner, etc. Did she do Dor Yesharim in high school?

It's a long conversation, so it's helpful to start it well in advance of action.

That will help your DH adjust, too.


Last edited by imasinger on Sun, Sep 12 2021, 10:50 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 10:45 pm
chestnut wrote:
I hear. Are her friends who're in college dating already?


I think one or two might be, but see, this is my ''mom who isn't hip to what the bais yaakov girls are doing'' problem. To me, dating means they are casually seeing a boy and maybe it will turn into official dating, that will one day turn into an engagement, and maybe it won't. In my circles, and when I was in my early 20s, that's what dating meant. So maybe her friends are in shidduchim and I just didn't get it.


I feel ooooold and out of the loop with this, and that's also why I'm asking here
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chestnut




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 11:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I think one or two might be, but see, this is my ''mom who isn't hip to what the bais yaakov girls are doing'' problem. To me, dating means they are casually seeing a boy and maybe it will turn into official dating, that will one day turn into an engagement, and maybe it won't. In my circles, and when I was in my early 20s, that's what dating meant. So maybe her friends are in shidduchim and I just didn't get it.


I feel ooooold and out of the loop with this, and that's also why I'm asking here

Right, by dating I meant in shidduchim. Are most of her friends from BY families who shidduch date or from your MO circles who casually seeing boys? Cause if her BY friends are shidduch dating now, that's where her ideas might be coming from.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 12 2021, 11:58 pm
chestnut wrote:
Right, by dating I meant in shidduchim. Are most of her friends from BY families who shidduch date or from your MO circles who casually seeing boys? Cause if her BY friends are shidduch dating now, that's where her ideas might be coming from.



I think her friend circle is split, but she was always more right wing than our family, so her references are definitely yeshivish families. I know that her education and her chosen circle is where wanting shidduchim is from, it just caught me unprepared.

I'm also not sure if she really really gave it a lot of thought and wants to be married and have children, or if she would be doing it more as an "I have to". Like, she's done with high school, now "she has to" be in shidduchim.

She wants a career though, she is driven and motivated. We'll see with time how it develops. For now she just mentioned the idea and I want to be 100% supportive, and keep my husband out of it until he is 100% supportive too.
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