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My 18 year old daughter wants to start shidduchim
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Goldie613




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 1:01 am
I think you can definitely start having conversations with her about what marriage includes, budgeting, apartments, needing to be responsible for herself and her household, etc.

Other questions for you and her to talk about =

Is this something that she wants to start looking into, or is she really looking to be married now? Meaning, is she looking to start discussing it, thinking about shadchanim, etc, but doesn't want to date quite yet, or would she like to start dating ASAP and get married sooner than later?

Are there things that she'd like to do before getting married, and so they should get done this school year and she can start dating after that? Examples might be working out of town at a kiruv camp, traveling to Israel, visiting out of town relatives for an extended period of time, learning how to drive, finishing her degree, taking seminary classes, etc.

Does she feel "ready" to date (with the understanding that dating in those circles may be a matter of weeks or months once she meets "the" guy, as opposed to years)? Do you, your husband and her feel she has the emotional maturity to start that stage of her life?

And, perhaps the biggest question - is she looking to start dating for the right reasons or the wrong ones? While YMMV, I would say the wrong ones would include things like her friends are doing that, she doesn't want to be left behind, this is the age that "everyone" dates, all the good guys will be taken if she waits, etc. Right ones would include things like wanting to start a committed relationship with someone, looking to start a family, feeling ready to be in a relationship, feeling old enough/ready enough to have her own home, etc.

Also, I hate to mention this one - is she simply looking to be in a physically intimate relationship and figures she needs to be married for that to happen? In that case, you may have to remind her that there is a lot more to marriage than that, and she needs to be ready for all of it, the ups and the downs, before entering into that kind of relationship.

Hope this helps - more than anything else be warm, loving, and let her feel the doors are open to TALK!!!

Hug
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amother




Peony
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 1:07 am
im a "flip out" - grew up super modern and moved wayy to the right. married an ffb israeli guy to boot Wink
you have to sit your daughter down and have a conversation with her about marriage. it was very very hard for me not having my parents involved. I made all the calls, I opened the door on dates, I had to put up with negative comments from my parents bc they thought I was young (I started when I came back from seminary @19 and got married at 24). I regret starting so early bc shidduchim were the worst years of my life.

what type of boy does she want to marry?
your daughter might not even want to hear any of this from you. I know I didnt. and my parents were asking GOOD questions ("how will you live if youre in school and your dh isnt working?" "how will you pay rent? and groceries?") and I brushed them off. I regret how I acted during shidduchimg. But your daughter needs to face reality. It was very hard when I first got married and my husband had 200$ I his wallet. Someone gave me maaser to buy groceries. It wasnt pleasant. and I was still in school and working a bit on the side when I could. its hard, let her enjoy for the next year, get a start on her BA and start @19...
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blessedjmom




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 1:20 am
Op you got excellent advice here.
I just wanted to say, that you're asking the right questions. And your care and concern comes through so clearly. I'm not the sappy type, but your acceptance and desire to understand and be there for your daughter is making me emotional.

So good for you! You're a great mom! And wishing you much hatzlacha on this new journey!❤
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amother




Lily
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 1:28 am
blessedjmom wrote:
Op you got excellent advice here.
I just wanted to say, that you're asking the right questions. And your care and concern comes through so clearly. I'm not the sappy type, but your acceptance and desire to understand and be there for your daughter is making me emotional.

So good for you! You're a great mom! And wishing you much hatzlacha on this new journey!❤


This.

OP, I'm chassidish, so my shidduch experiences won't be much help.

But I think the main thing isn't to worry so much about the process and who to call, but to commend your daughter for being open with you. It must have taken a lot of courage for her to have this conversation (super awkward!!) so I would acknowledge that by saying something like, "Your dad and I talked and we're so happy you came to us to discuss this and that you're thinking about the future." Then be open to listening to her.

You may be surprised at why she is interested. Many posters mentioned possibilities. But don't go in the direction of challenging her, ie "Do you realize what marriage entails? How will you make a living?" etc. Just listen and hear her out.

Only then you can get to the nitty-gritty of how she envisions you and your husband's involvement in the process.
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amother




Mocha
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 2:07 am
http://shidduchim101.com/helpi.....chim/
Really nice site to look into
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 6:25 am
Goldie613 wrote:
I think you can definitely start having conversations with her about what marriage includes, budgeting, apartments, needing to be responsible for herself and her household, etc.

Other questions for you and her to talk about =

Is this something that she wants to start looking into, or is she really looking to be married now? Meaning, is she looking to start discussing it, thinking about shadchanim, etc, but doesn't want to date quite yet, or would she like to start dating ASAP and get married sooner than later?

Are there things that she'd like to do before getting married, and so they should get done this school year and she can start dating after that? Examples might be working out of town at a kiruv camp, traveling to Israel, visiting out of town relatives for an extended period of time, learning how to drive, finishing her degree, taking seminary classes, etc.

Does she feel "ready" to date (with the understanding that dating in those circles may be a matter of weeks or months once she meets "the" guy, as opposed to years)? Do you, your husband and her feel she has the emotional maturity to start that stage of her life?

And, perhaps the biggest question - is she looking to start dating for the right reasons or the wrong ones? While YMMV, I would say the wrong ones would include things like her friends are doing that, she doesn't want to be left behind, this is the age that "everyone" dates, all the good guys will be taken if she waits, etc. Right ones would include things like wanting to start a committed relationship with someone, looking to start a family, feeling ready to be in a relationship, feeling old enough/ready enough to have her own home, etc.

Also, I hate to mention this one - is she simply looking to be in a physically intimate relationship and figures she needs to be married for that to happen? In that case, you may have to remind her that there is a lot more to marriage than that, and she needs to be ready for all of it, the ups and the downs, before entering into that kind of relationship.

Hope this helps - more than anything else be warm, loving, and let her feel the doors are open to TALK!!!

Hug


Thank you for this, you're right! Those are all valid points and we need to have "that" conversation about reasons to get married, goals, what she's looking for, etc. I want her to feel that we trust her to make that decision for herself too. Even if we're scared. My husband told me last night that if she starts shidduchim now, for all we know, she could be married by purim. I am not ready for that!! va voy
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 6:29 am
blessedjmom wrote:
Op you got excellent advice here.
I just wanted to say, that you're asking the right questions. And your care and concern comes through so clearly. I'm not the sappy type, but your acceptance and desire to understand and be there for your daughter is making me emotional.

So good for you! You're a great mom! And wishing you much hatzlacha on this new journey!❤



Oh dear thank you, I try my hardest to just accept my children and trust them to make their own decisions. and thank you for wishing hatzlacha, because this journey sounds scary!
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 6:33 am
amother [ Lily ] wrote:
This.

OP, I'm chassidish, so my shidduch experiences won't be much help.

But I think the main thing isn't to worry so much about the process and who to call, but to commend your daughter for being open with you. It must have taken a lot of courage for her to have this conversation (super awkward!!) so I would acknowledge that by saying something like, "Your dad and I talked and we're so happy you came to us to discuss this and that you're thinking about the future." Then be open to listening to her.

You may be surprised at why she is interested. Many posters mentioned possibilities. But don't go in the direction of challenging her, ie "Do you realize what marriage entails? How will you make a living?" etc. Just listen and hear her out.

Only then you can get to the nitty-gritty of how she envisions you and your husband's involvement in the process.


This is true, I think my husband and I will sit with her and thank her for trusting us and telling us that this is what she wants, and that we want to fully honor the responsibility of helping her dating process. And for the questions, that's a very good tip. I can definitely be guilty of asking questions that challenge the decision in the first place and I do not want to do that here.
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amother




Molasses
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 8:17 am
You sound like a wonderful open minded and supportive mother!

One of the things you need to discuss with her is how involved she wants you to be. For all you know she may have mentors set up to do all the research and just wants you to be involved from the first date - or she may really want you to do everything parents do in yeshivish circles (contact shadchanim, research ect.)


Another thing is finances:And this needs to e done very deliacitly so she doesn't feel like you are attacking her.
Does she have student loans? is she planning on marrying a learning boy?are you expecting her to pay for the wedding on her own?
Is her schooling something she can combine with part time work and is she willing to live on a tight student budget until she finishes?
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syrima




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 10:46 am
I think shidduchim at age 18 is young for a girl who is a different hashkafa than her parents. Especially if she can't talk to you about it. She may not fully grasp the responsibility of marriage. Is she ready to push off her degree in the case of a pregnancy with issues? Does she think she will get married and use bc until she gets her degree (which many rabbis will not allow)? Also wondering if she just feels uncomfortable being in a more MO house where she can't do things her way without coming into conflict with her (loving) parents. Maybe you can ask her what you can do to make her more comfortable until Mr right comes along. Or maybe she would benefit from moving into an apartment with other similar girls, which is also good marriage prep.
At the very least I would recommend having her talk to someone frum like a marriage counselor or social worker who can ask her questions and give insight into what the pros and cons are of starting shidduchim this early.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 8:07 pm
syrima wrote:
I think shidduchim at age 18 is young for a girl who is a different hashkafa than her parents. Especially if she can't talk to you about it. She may not fully grasp the responsibility of marriage. Is she ready to push off her degree in the case of a pregnancy with issues? Does she think she will get married and use bc until she gets her degree (which many rabbis will not allow)? Also wondering if she just feels uncomfortable being in a more MO house where she can't do things her way without coming into conflict with her (loving) parents. Maybe you can ask her what you can do to make her more comfortable until Mr right comes along. Or maybe she would benefit from moving into an apartment with other similar girls, which is also good marriage prep.
At the very least I would recommend having her talk to someone frum like a marriage counselor or social worker who can ask her questions and give insight into what the pros and cons are of starting shidduchim this early.



This is loaded and I'm trying to not be hurt by your words. My daughter does not come into conflict with us for being a different hashkafa. My husband and I have bent over backwards over the years to make our children as comfortable as possible. We're yekkish and because our kids go to litvish school, we've taken on more than our share of minhagim that are not ours to allow them to be like their friends. As surprising as it was, I feel that her coming to us for shidduchim meant she trusts us, and we did something right somewhere. I will talk about it with her more, but from what I gather, she feels like "she has to" start shidduchim now that she's done with school. And I get it, if she has to be in shidduchim for years before she gets married, then she "should start young". I was just surprised. I'll ask around for what shadchan the girls from her class are going to and we'll see.
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amother




Electricblue
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 9:20 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you for this, you're right! Those are all valid points and we need to have "that" conversation about reasons to get married, goals, what she's looking for, etc. I want her to feel that we trust her to make that decision for herself too. Even if we're scared. My husband told me last night that if she starts shidduchim now, for all we know, she could be married by purim. I am not ready for that!! va voy


Why would you trust an 18 year olds judgement over yours? In most circles that is very young to start dating. Also, how did she become yeshivish if you are MO?
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hesha




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 10:50 pm
You sound like such a caring mom. I think that if you sent your daughter to a school with a culture somewhat different from what you are familiar with, you should do some research/have some conversations with people very much in the loop and find out what the norms and nuances of your daughters social world are. When will her friends begin dating? What is the process? Maybe her wanting to start so early stems from the fact that her parents are not completely familiar with the culture of her school/friends and she is afraid to be left behind. Maybe her fear of this is causing her to sort of overcompensate. Reassuring her that you will speak to the right people and support her in this journey she wants to take, at the pace that her friends are taking it, will likely mean a lot to her.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 6:32 am
amother [ Electricblue ] wrote:
Why would you trust an 18 year olds judgement over yours? In most circles that is very young to start dating. Also, how did she become yeshivish if you are MO?



I don't necessarily trust her to make that decision but me "trusting" her or not is her problem. She is now capable to make decisions for herself and if I don't let her, it just won't be good for our relationship. I feel like she's reached the age where she doesn't actively need us anymore. When I was 18, my parents had absolutely no say in what I did. They tried to, of course, and that's why I quickly moved out.

And she went to BY.
Again we're between MO and just frum, but we let our kids choose for themselves how they want to proceed. Our girls are happy at BY but our boy goes to Breuer.
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tryinghard




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 7:14 am
One thing you should clarify with your husband to alleviate at least one of his concerns: shidduchim, particularly in the yeshivish world (as opposed to chassidish) is not “arranged marriages”. It’s “arranged dates”. There is some involvement of the shadchan in the beginning as a sort of guide to help things along (prevent early misunderstandings and miscommunications), but a few dates in, the couple is generally mostly on their own, dating “normally”. It’s still a quick process because it’s goal oriented. But the couple decides for themselves.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 7:33 am
OP, you sound like a great mom, and you seem to be doing everything right.

You've gotten some really good advice on furthering the conversation with DD. If she feels like she's getting the details, and knows what she's getting into, the next step might be taking her to a shidduch coach. A coach can give her a very realistic picture of what to expect, how the process works, and how to actually "date".

From there, she might try getting set up a time or two, but that's no guarantee that she'll meet the right one immediately. If she does, you need to discuss what will happen if they other side says "Let's hold the chassunah next month!" Oooof, suddenly this isn't just a "nice idea" anymore.

She thinks she knows exactly what she wants right now, but she's still going to want you by her side just in case. Give her room to have her feelings, give her tools to learn, but be very careful not to project your concerns on her too much.

I think that in this case saying things like "I think that..." would not be as helpful as "What do you think would happen...?" Put the conversations in her court, and just ask her the right questions. Only offer your opinion when asked.

When your kids are little, to some degree or another you have to be a helicopter mom. The eventually you have to switch to being a "safety net" mom. It's so hard! DD needs to learn how to walk on the high wire, but she'll be a lot more successful if she knows that you're ready to catch her if she falls. The confidence of knowing that you are there will set her up for confidence and success in life, while still respecting her new freedom. She'll always need you, but in a different way now.

~Signed, mother of an 18yo DD who just started college.
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octopus




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 10:22 am
I agree, op sounds like a great mom. I don't have kids in shidduchim yet, so I can't really add anything substantial to the conversation!
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amother




Electricblue
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 10:34 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I don't necessarily trust her to make that decision but me "trusting" her or not is her problem. She is now capable to make decisions for herself and if I don't let her, it just won't be good for our relationship. I feel like she's reached the age where she doesn't actively need us anymore. When I was 18, my parents had absolutely no say in what I did. They tried to, of course, and that's why I quickly moved out.

And she went to BY.
Again we're between MO and just frum, but we let our kids choose for themselves how they want to proceed. Our girls are happy at BY but our boy goes to Breuer.


But it sounds like she’s reaching out to you for advice. At this age you can’t forbid her from dating but you can let her know that she is very young for all but chassidish circles and find out why she feels such a rush.
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amother




Steelblue
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:07 pm
I just wanted to chime in on the comment of another poster (syrima) about dating so young when your hashkafa is different from your child.

My niece recently got married at 18/19. She went to a typical BY school in the tri-state area. She is very very very young. Her parents wanted this very much and are offering her an enormous amount of support. To the point, that she has prolonged "shabbos and yomtov" stays in their house. At one point, they were actively encouraging her to go to her own apartment because she was more comfortable at home. She is happy in her marriage, her husband is a nice good person. Its just the transition for someone so young can sometimes be difficult. She needs a lot of hand-holding. But this is what the parents wanted. And to be honest, some of us are scratching our heads wondering why on earth they put her through this. I don't know what she'll think or feel in a few years, but it isn't simple.

I think the point about the difference in hashkafa is that this isn't only about your daughter. She will likely, not for sure, but likely need a lot of support should she marry so young. Because you are different from your child (no judgement at all) you may not realize for yourself what will be required of you and therefore not be able to articulate to your daughter your own limitations and expectations.

This isn't right or wrong. Its just being smart and anticipating what may happen and what all of you can reasonably provide and accommodate to help each other be happy and successful.
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