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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Rigidity in teens



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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 9:27 am
Teen DS is quite rigid and inflexible. I am a bit concerned and wonder what I’m supposed to do about it. He’s generally a smart middosdig boy, always ready to help a sibling or a friend in need, but in areas where flexibility is needed he can get stubborn and rigid. He loves a schedule and a plan, is a stickler for rules and punctuality which is great as a student but not so much IRL. For example, his friend just called about a change of plans for the day after planning to do something together and DS acted pretty frustrated and upset instead of being more understanding and gentle. I understand that he’s upset but I found it inappropriate that he made his friend feel bad and spoke in a tense tone. I’m not sure how important it was for the friend to cancel the original plans but I don’t think it matters that much. I wouldn’t want him to act to his wife this way if things happen in her day and she needs or wants to ever change plans.
How do I teach him to be more flexible? Can it even be taught if it’s really against his nature?
TIA
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ShishKabob




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 9:30 am
You can point out that he has this great middah about being on time and on schedule. However, you can also point out, that sometimes when things don't work out the way it was planned, he should allow himself to be kind and forgiving to the next person or even to himself. Explain it in a non angry way. It's something that he has to work on. While let's say for ex: you have to work on being more on time....
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 11:20 am
To expand on what shishkabob said....I have a strong lean toward organization myself, and I like to plan things in advance. But I also discuss with my kids that Hashem is the one that runs the world...at all times, we are part of His plan, and everything runs exactly like Hashem wants it to.

My father is going to E"Y for Succos tonight, and he got his Ishur at 11:30 this morning. You can imagine it was tense going to sleep last night not knowing if they (he and his wife) are going or not, especially, did I mention our family likes things nice and organized? But his wife kept saying "I am where I am supposed to be at all times" and "this is part of Hashem's plan for us" and this kept things as calm as possible.

When we let Hashem into the picture, we realize that everything really is running according to plan.

There's a great song by Rabbi Ephraim Wachsman that I sometimes sing to myself when I find myself frustrated when MY plan isn't going.

I believe in Hashem
I trust in Hashem
There never is a moment when
I am alone
That I'm on my own
I believe and I trust in Hashem

And I understand
that it's all in his hands
and every step is perfectly planned
He's holding me tight
So I'll be alright
I believe and I trust in Hashem!
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amother
Snapdragon


 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 11:48 am
Usually rooted in anxiety and ocd. If extreme enough can be spectrum-ish, in that their internal ocd narrative creates so much distress that it trumps everyone elses feelings and needs. Chances are you will not be able to address this cognitively, his defenses will go right up. You need to take down the anxiety and hyper arousal and the behaviors will follow suit.
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 12:03 pm
amother [ Snapdragon ] wrote:
Usually rooted in anxiety and ocd. If extreme enough can be spectrum-ish, in that their internal ocd narrative creates so much distress that it trumps everyone elses feelings and needs. Chances are you will not be able to address this cognitively, his defenses will go right up. You need to take down the anxiety and hyper arousal and the behaviors will follow suit.


Thank you all for your replies. Especially the song Chayalle.

He does literally seem distressed when such things happen that his plans get disrupted but other than at such times I see no signs of anxiety or ocd in different areas. Makes sense?
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amother
Snapdragon


 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 12:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thank you all for your replies. Especially the song Chayalle.

He does literally seem distressed when such things happen and his plans get disrupted but other than at such times I see no signs of anxiety or ocd in different areas. Makes sense?
It makes sense, because even people with anxiety and ocd, it often manifests in certain areas and not others. It could also be that you’re not picking up on it because you’re not used to viewing anxiety ocd through this lens. Also, intrusive thoughts are invisible. Regardless, even if this is the only area, I would still consider it for what it is.
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