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Parenting without obedience: safe haven?
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Poll

Would you like a safe haven for power-with parenting?
yes  
 67%  [ 27 ]
no  
 25%  [ 10 ]
other  
 7%  [ 3 ]
Total Votes : 40


amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 12:30 pm
I'm curious if there'd be interest in a "safe haven" for parents who want to shift from obedience-based parenting to collaborative-based parenting.

I am not into telling people how to raise their children, I really don't proclaim myself to know what's best for children in general, or for any particular child. I prefer to stay in my own lane, and focus my attention and energy in my own lane.

All I know is that obedience-based parenting wasn't working for me and I set off in pursuit of something else. I came across collaborative-based, power-with, parenting and it's changed our lives for the better.

It isn't the mainstream way of raising a family, and I don't feel comfortable talking about this topic in the main forum. If there was a dedicated "safe haven" for this topic I'd be comfortable sharing there.

Though I'm curious if there's any interest in having such a place. The intention is to have a ''safe haven'' for moms who want to walk this path, and want support etc. from each other. Not a place to argue for or against it, not a place to debate this way of parenting.
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amother




Catmint
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 12:32 pm
Can you give some examples of what you mean so we know if we’d be interested. What wud it look like in real life scenarios?
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mha3484




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 12:36 pm
I parent this way and its been very positive for my family. I talk about it a lot on the challenging children forum. I credit the book the explosive child with why I have a relationship with my preteen son.
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amother




Geranium
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 12:41 pm
I am in the process of the mental shift.
It’s taking me time.

I do wish for greater obedience though
Wouldn’t it be nice if the kids just listened and followed my instructions. Wink

I do hope the way I raise them will enable them to be independent, self aware, empathetic and boundaried individuals.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 12:46 pm
I would as long as it stays educational and doesn’t turn into an echo chamber. And I’ll
Continue to advocate for kids on the main board.
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bigsis144




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 12:50 pm
I think it would be very helpful to me to see where and how other mothers “draw the line” in various situations.

I have very difficult kids and it’s so so hard sometimes to feel like I’m doing the right thing, or proactively choosing to “let go” rather than just failing/giving up/ruining my kids by being overly permissive.

It’s still very confusing and a source of major anxiety for me. I rarely feel like I’m “getting it right” because while things could (and have been) much much worse, it’s not like Collaborative Problem Solving etc has made some magical changes and parenting is now a joy. My “lens is shifted” but even if I respect my kids, and recognize their emotional needs and lagging skills etc., it can still be h3ll in my house.


Last edited by bigsis144 on Mon, Sep 13 2021, 12:52 pm; edited 1 time in total
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 12:51 pm
I would want a safe-haven group like the Natural Parenting forum. Not a private sub-group where you have to apply for membership.
Mainly because I think there are many parents like me who love to learn and listen to new ideas, but don't or can't beholden to any one specific hashkafa.
But I'd love a safe-haven where it's agreed that "just smack him or take away his allowance and he'll behave" is not part of the equation.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 12:56 pm
keym wrote:
I would want a safe-haven group like the Natural Parenting forum. .


This is what I have in mind.
I'll edit my subject line to reflect this, as this is more accurate to what I meant to ask.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 1:05 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
This is what I have in mind.
I'll edit my subject line to reflect this, as this is more accurate to what I meant to ask.

It’s not working very well for natural parenting tho. Not everyone respects the safe haven status.
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honeymoon




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 1:16 pm
amother [ Geranium ] wrote:
I am in the process of the mental shift.
It’s taking me time.

I do wish for greater obedience though
Wouldn’t it be nice if the kids just listened and followed my instructions.
Wink

I do hope the way I raise them will enable them to be independent, self aware, empathetic and boundaried individuals.


You didn't yet shift from the obedience mode of parenting if the goal of changing your parenting model is to get the same results that you wanted before that. The way I see it is you need to let go of the perception that children are here to do our bidding all the time. If you work on collaborative based parenting with the expectation that it will result in obedient little soldiers, you've totally missed the point.

Making that shift is really difficult. I'm with you in this one.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 1:22 pm
I suppose I'd join. My kids are very little and that's been my goal from the start, to harness the natural desire of children to cooperate. Sounds good to me.
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 1:28 pm
I use a collaborative approach with my kids most of the time, however, it only works for me on a backbone of strong boundaries and balanced with limits. I would love to have conversations around parenting. We can all learn from each other.
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honeymoon




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 1:30 pm
behappy2 wrote:
I use a collaborative approach with my kids most of the time, however, it only works for me on a backbone of strong boundaries and balanced with limits. I would love to have conversations around parenting. We can all learn from each other.


Yup. From all the things I've learnt on here, the way I parent has most evolved and improved based on many of the discussions on here. I'd love such a forum.
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amother




Geranium
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 1:39 pm
honeymoon wrote:
You didn't yet shift from the obedience mode of parenting if the goal of changing your parenting model is to get the same results that you wanted before that. The way I see it is you need to let go of the perception that children are here to do our bidding all the time. If you work on collaborative based parenting with the expectation that it will result in obedient little soldiers, you've totally missed the point.

Making that shift is really difficult. I'm with you in this one.


Actually I think you have missed the point.

I said it would be nice if parenting wasn’t such a challenge and kids would be little soldiers marching to my rhythm.

But I want them to create their own rhythm.

To create safety in a sub forum there has to be a total lack of judgement, not to tel people they’re doing it right or wrong.
Rather a discussion to raise greater awareness.
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honeymoon




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 1:52 pm
amother [ Geranium ] wrote:
Actually I think you have missed the point.

I said it would be nice if parenting wasn’t such a challenge and kids would be little soldiers marching to my rhythm.

But I want them to create their own rhythm.

Please don’t tell me I haven’t made the shift.
It’s not kind to helpful.

Are you empathetic enough to create safety in this sub forum?


I'm sorry you took my words as an attack. It wasn't meant that way at all. I'm sure you're doing your best as a parent. I was just validating the fact that moving away from authoritarian parenting is an arduous uphill climb because it requires a change in a mindset we have held all our lives. I know, I still have a long way to go.
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amother




Sunflower
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 2:55 pm
bigsis144 wrote:
I think it would be very helpful to me to see where and how other mothers “draw the line” in various situations.

I have very difficult kids and it’s so so hard sometimes to feel like I’m doing the right thing, or proactively choosing to “let go” rather than just failing/giving up/ruining my kids by being overly permissive.

It’s still very confusing and a source of major anxiety for me. I rarely feel like I’m “getting it right” because while things could (and have been) much much worse, it’s not like Collaborative Problem Solving etc has made some magical changes and parenting is now a joy. My “lens is shifted” but even if I respect my kids, and recognize their emotional needs and lagging skills etc., it can still be h3ll in my house.
My kids are similar to yours based on your posts and I often feel gaslighted when I read about gentle/respectful parenting. And I’m far, far from an obedience driven parent.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 2:57 pm
amother [ Sunflower ] wrote:
My kids are similar to yours based on your posts and I often feel gaslighted when I read about gentle/respectful parenting. And I’m far, far from an obedience driven parent.

How so?
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amother




Sunflower
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 3:09 pm
Zehava wrote:
How so?
Hard to explain, but it often attempts to normalize certain behaviors that are clearly not normal. Also makes assumptions about motives for behaviors that don’t hold true for all kids.
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Crookshanks




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 3:22 pm
Zehava wrote:
It’s not working very well for natural parenting tho. Not everyone respects the safe haven status.

Because it's not immediately obvious just by opening a thread that it's in the natural parenting forum. It's especially not obvious when answering a poll.
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English3




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 3:23 pm
I am confused here what is the difference between obedience and boundaries?
Genuinely asking, does this approach work with giving children security?
Do they ever feel that in our house we do xyz with pride?
Do they have routine in the home?
Do they lead the house or is there some kind of authority?
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