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Parenting is not a one size fits all
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 7:24 pm
There is no one size fits all. Why do people think they can push what they view as their ideal method on everyone as the only right way? It's doing a lot of damage. It is not black and white and I'm finding the parenting threads to be frustrating. And no I don't want to block it because I have a lot of questions and I also have tried and true methods that I think some can gain from. It just feels really hostile having certain things pushed over and over as the only way it should be done.
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amother




RosePink
 

Post Mon, Sep 13 2021, 8:04 pm
I think most of us were raised this way: of having our parents views, our teachers views, pushed onto us as if their way was the only way to live.
We inherited this attitude from the adults around us.
It's so ingrained, this patterned way of relating with others.
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chocolate moose




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 7:21 pm
I guess but it stillcould create jealousy
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trixx




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 7:27 pm
People want to share what works. This is the internet, take it or leave not (disclaimer I haven't read the few huge threads lately)
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singleagain




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 7:30 pm
Forget parenting. Life in general in not a one size fits all.

Actually that was the best thing I learned from my parents.. I'm the oldest. And at this point in my life my dad will say that he has been a father for almost 131 years once my sis has her birthday that's what it'll be. Why does he say that

Bc the 35 years of being my dad is different than the 34 years of my brother and the 32 of my other brother and the almost 30 of my sister.

Al pi Darko is there for a reason.
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amother




Kiwi
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:44 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
There is no one size fits all. Why do people think they can push what they view as their ideal method on everyone as the only right way? It's doing a lot of damage. It is not black and white and I'm finding the parenting threads to be frustrating. And no I don't want to block it because I have a lot of questions and I also have tried and true methods that I think some can gain from. It just feels really hostile having certain things pushed over and over as the only way it should be done.

Can you share some of your methods? Would love to learn!
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amother




Whitesmoke
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:46 pm
People share opinions. It's a forum not real life where there is Grey. If you don't like something, move on.
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amother




DarkRed
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:47 pm
singleagain wrote:
Forget parenting. Life in general in not a one size fits all.

Actually that was the best thing I learned from my parents.. I'm the oldest. And at this point in my life my dad will say that he has been a father for almost 131 years once my sis has her birthday that's what it'll be. Why does he say that

Bc the 35 years of being my dad is different than the 34 years of my brother and the 32 of my other brother and the almost 30 of my sister.

Al pi Darko is there for a reason.

Yup, that’s why I have 4 kids in 4 schools….
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amother




Taupe
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:53 pm
Some people really believe there is only one way. It’s sad.

Each parent needs to do what works for each individual child. Hashem gave you this child because YOU can handle it.
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amother




Trillium
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:58 pm
amother [ Taupe ] wrote:
Some people really believe there is only one way. It’s sad.

Each parent needs to do what works for each individual child. Hashem gave you this child because YOU can handle it.
And it needs to work for the parent too.
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amother




Taupe
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:09 pm
amother [ Trillium ] wrote:
And it needs to work for the parent too.


Well if a child needs something the parent should make it work even if it’s uncomfortable.

For example, a child who is more touchy and needs extra hugs and kisses. A parent should figure out a way to make it work for both.

A parent shouldn’t just say “sorry this isn’t my thing” when it’s clear the child needs that specific thing.
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amother




Trillium
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:26 pm
amother [ Taupe ] wrote:
Well if a child needs something the parent should make it work even if it’s uncomfortable.

For example, a child who is more touchy and needs extra hugs and kisses. A parent should figure out a way to make it work for both.

A parent shouldn’t just say “sorry this isn’t my thing” when it’s clear the child needs that specific thing.
Correct. But parents twisting themselves into pretzels to meet a child’s every need isn’t healthy either, and the parent will burn out very quickly.
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:28 pm
Not only that I believe there isn't one size fits all for all parents. Different parenting approaches work for different ppl.
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amother




NeonGreen
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 12:52 am
amother [ Trillium ] wrote:
Correct. But parents twisting themselves into pretzels to meet a child’s every need isn’t healthy either, and the parent will burn out very quickly.

I think you're confusing wants with needs.

It's not healthy for parents to twist themselves into pretzels to meet a child's every desire.

But needs are different. We kind of owe it to our kids to fulfill their needs. They didn't ask to be born. We brought them into the world and part of the package is taking care of their needs.

They don't need the latest backpack, or necessarily to go to seminary, or sleepaway camp, or have a fancy wedding, or learn music, or have the same snacks as everyone else. Those might all be needs, depending on the specific child, but they're not needs across the board.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 7:07 am
There's a lot of baggage behind the "my way or the highway" type of parenting advice going around. When DD was little, half the people I talked to said I was too strict with her, and the other half said I was too lenient. I was a new mom! It was so confusing. Never mind that you never knew what mood DD would be in from day to day, so you're constantly adjusting your approach to fit the situation.

I think that in societies that put a lot of emphasis on conformity, it's easy to forget that kids are individuals, and parents are individuals. Family dynamics are individual. There IS no one size fits all.

Not all kids have PANDAS, gluten intolerance, peanut allergies, ADD, perfect middos, or artistic talent. You can fill in the "#not all kids______" as long as you still have breath, and you still won't cover all the differences in people.

When I was raising DD, I learned that the only hard and fast rule that there is, is to be flexible!
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behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 7:47 am
amother [ NeonGreen ] wrote:
I think you're confusing wants with needs.

It's not healthy for parents to twist themselves into pretzels to meet a child's every desire.

But needs are different. We kind of owe it to our kids to fulfill their needs. They didn't ask to be born. We brought them into the world and part of the package is taking care of their needs.

They don't need the latest backpack, or necessarily to go to seminary, or sleepaway camp, or have a fancy wedding, or learn music, or have the same snacks as everyone else. Those might all be needs, depending on the specific child, but they're not needs across the board.


We don't exactly buy children. Some children are born with a lot of planning put into it but most aren't. Parents who may have money and energy and a good relationship one day may in a few years lose all of it. We aren't in control necessarily of what we can give our kids. Even their needs. Every Neshama has a job in this world. We aren't GOD. We just need to do our best at any given moment.

The problem today is there is so much information on how parenting and trauma effects children for life. This created a tremendous pressure to not be the cause of our children's issues and to take them to every therapy available and push them out as a super healthy adult.

It's all Unrealistic.

There's a new wave today of honoring mothers' limitations and good enough parenting to counteract this.


Last edited by behappy2 on Wed, Sep 15 2021, 9:04 am; edited 1 time in total
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Aylat




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 7:48 am
singleagain wrote:
Forget parenting. Life in general in not a one size fits all.

Actually that was the best thing I learned from my parents.. I'm the oldest. And at this point in my life my dad will say that he has been a father for almost 131 years once my sis has her birthday that's what it'll be. Why does he say that

Bc the 35 years of being my dad is different than the 34 years of my brother and the 32 of my other brother and the almost 30 of my sister.

Al pi Darko is there for a reason.


I love this, can I steal it?
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singleagain




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 8:01 am
Aylat wrote:
I love this, can I steal it?


Go ahead. Although, I admit I'm curious now how many years of parenting experience you got? (You don't have to break it down, I'm just curious the total number)
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southernbubby




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 9:03 am
behappy2 wrote:
We don't exactly but children. Some children are born with a lot of planning put into it but most aren't. Parents who may have money and energy and a good relationship one day may in a few years lose all of it. We aren't in control necessarily of what we can give our kids. Even their needs. Every Neshama has a job in this world. We aren't GOD. We just need to do our best at any given moment.

The problem today is there is so much information on how parenting and trauma effects children for life. This created a tremendous pressure to not be the cause of our children's issues and to take them to every therapy available and push them out as a super healthy adult.

It's all Unrealistic.

There's a new wave today of honoring mothers' limitations and good enough parenting to counteract this.


I agree. My generation wasn't breastfed or given organic food and almost all parents potched. Somehow we survived to tell about our imperfect childhoods and maybe tried to improve our own parenting.
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amother




OP
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 9:12 am
southernbubby wrote:
I agree. My generation wasn't breastfed or given organic food and almost all parents potched. Somehow we survived to tell about our imperfect childhoods and maybe tried to improve our own parenting.


I don’t agree your generation survived. Well they did “survive” but not thrive and too many have very serous issues. Your generation wasn’t parented well out of lack of resources. The next generation wasn’t patented well because yours had issues from the way they were raised. So the new generation is trying to remedy that.
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