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S/o Do your children earn any of the things they want
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 2:04 pm
Sewsew_mom wrote:
So happens to be I may have done this, but maybe I did it wrong. Because it didn't work.
We agreed on getting a watch she likes so she can see the time and come home in time.
She was excited about that idea.. But now she just sees the time and says I still want to play so I'll just come home late.
Sorry this is a total spinoff of a spinoff.. But the concept is still the same.. I never feel like it's enough..

If she can’t be trusted to come home on time she can’t go out. Simple as that.
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 2:14 pm
Sewsew_mom wrote:
So happens to be I may have done this, but maybe I did it wrong. Because it didn't work.
We agreed on getting a watch she likes so she can see the time and come home in time.
She was excited about that idea.. But now she just sees the time and says I still want to play so I'll just come home late.
Sorry this is a total spinoff of a spinoff.. But the concept is still the same.. I never feel like it's enough..


It's never enough because you aren't listening to HER needs and trying to help her get it.
You're only focused on your need.

Parent has a need for child to be safe.
Way it's accomplished- home by 7:30.
How- fancy watch for child
Done.

Child has a need. What is the need? To play with friends. To not be a baby. To be able to brag that she stayed up past 8. First you need to listen to that need.
Way it's accomplished- let the child brainstorm ideas.
Again it's not about your need of being home on time. It's her need.
Like I said earlier. Maybe a game with just you at 7:30.
Maybe it's 1 friend in your house.
Maybe it's right in front of your house.
Maybe it's not during the school day, but more allowance during vacation.
Let your child try to fulfill their need.
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Sewsew_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 2:27 pm
keym wrote:
It's never enough because you aren't listening to HER needs and trying to help her get it.
You're only focused on your need.

Parent has a need for child to be safe.
Way it's accomplished- home by 7:30.
How- fancy watch for child
Done.

Child has a need. What is the need? To play with friends. To not be a baby. To be able to brag that she stayed up past 8. First you need to listen to that need.
Way it's accomplished- let the child brainstorm ideas.
Again it's not about your need of being home on time. It's her need.
Like I said earlier. Maybe a game with just you at 7:30.
Maybe it's 1 friend in your house.
Maybe it's right in front of your house.
Maybe it's not during the school day, but more allowance during vacation.
Let your child try to fulfill their need.

Child is child. I know exactly her needs.
She likes to play with friends.
Mother let's, but also has needs - child should be safe.
Let's find a solution - come home before dark.
Child doesn't come home more than once when dark, need solution-get watch so child knows the time and knows when it will get dark.
Child chooses watch she likes and is happy with that choice.
Problem only occurs when she actually still can't make it home in time and answer is... I wanted to still play.

Child is a child. All she wants to do is play with these girls. They don't want to play by her house, they don't want anything from her. She just wants to play with them. And not just on weekends or vacation.. Every single night.

Sometimes mothers do listen but child is still a child. And while I will stick with my safety protocols, she will be upset every day.
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Sewsew_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 2:30 pm
Zehava wrote:
If she can’t be trusted to come home on time she can’t go out. Simple as that.

I have no comment because while this is true.. It's actually not possible.
An 8 year old to never be able to go outside is just not a possible thing..
Hence the watch solution, but obviously I'm onto the next idea that we will. Hopefully figure out so I feel a sense of safety in my children.
And no. Not all children are like this.
But this goes back to the idea that giving them everything they want/need I feel like it makes them entitled.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 2:34 pm
Sewsew_mom wrote:
I have no comment because while this is true.. It's actually not possible.
An 8 year old to never be able to go outside is just not a possible thing..
Hence the watch solution, but obviously I'm onto the next idea that we will. Hopefully figure out so I feel a sense of safety in my children.
And no. Not all children are like this.
But this goes back to the idea that giving them everything they want/need I feel like it makes them entitled.

I think it’s more about impulse control than entitlement. My kids know if they come home late they can’t go out the next day. Hasn’t happened in a while.
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Sewsew_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 2:38 pm
Zehava wrote:
I think it’s more about impulse control than entitlement. My kids know if they come home late they can’t go out the next day. Hasn’t happened in a while.

Your saying it's an impulsive decision from her even though she knows she's late, and knows there aren't usually good consequences, but chooses to do it anyhow? Just wanna make sure I'm fully understanding.
As I'm reading through all I'm writing I'm realizing these scenarios applies to only one of my children.
I am looking to get her evaluated for behavioral issues. I'm wondering if I'm basing alot of my parenting decisions based on her reactions alot..
I have lots of homework!
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 2:46 pm
Sewsew_mom wrote:
Your saying it's an impulsive decision from her even though she knows she's late, and knows there aren't usually good consequences, but chooses to do it anyhow? Just wanna make sure I'm fully understanding.
As I'm reading through all I'm writing I'm realizing these scenarios applies to only one of my children.
I am looking to get her evaluated for behavioral issues. I'm wondering if I'm basing alot of my parenting decisions based on her reactions alot..
I have lots of homework!

It’s possible. Lack of impulse control is a hallmark of adhd among other things. Which basically means she’s having a hard time upholding this boundary on her own.
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Sewsew_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 2:52 pm
Zehava wrote:
It’s possible. Lack of impulse control is a hallmark of adhd among other things. Which basically means she’s having a hard time upholding this boundary on her own.

Yes.. I'm Def thinking she has adhd.. And secretly I think I also have.
Working on it!
I'm glad I asked this..
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 3:00 pm
Sewsew_mom wrote:
Yes.. I'm Def thinking she has adhd.. And secretly I think I also have.
Working on it!
I'm glad I asked this..

Good luck! We are an adhd family you can pm for tips. Although there is lots of variation.
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Sewsew_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 3:13 pm
Zehava wrote:
Good luck! We are an adhd family you can pm for tips. Although there is lots of variation.

That's so sweet of you.. I may just take your offer. But want to do the evaluation before I bother you Very Happy
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amother




Yellow
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 3:27 pm
Regarding the child who wants to stay out, obviously safety is the first priority.
I do not know your schedule, family size/structure, responsibilities…
Is it possible that one or 2 nights a week you can go and meet her? That you can take a book and sit on the grass or friends porch and keep an eye?
She will see that you want her to be able to be with her friends and accommodate her and that you are willing to inconvenience yourself sometimes so that she can be with the girls and an the same time how much you prioritize safety.

Going once or twice a week, I don’t believe makes a child spoiled or feel like they are in charge. It makes them feel loved and understand compromise. Often, you may also be able to say to the child that we are a family, we are a team. We work together to make everyone successful and happy. It is not a tit-for-tat or conditional, but one hand washes the other and sometimes you go an extra mile to help her and sometimes she helps you (ie peel veggies for Shabbos instead of relaxing)

Once again, I am saying this without knowing your life, schedule, and responsibilities. I am coming from having a small family (thanks SIF -why did I feel the need to justify?), working part time, and a non-demanding husband.
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Sewsew_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 4:00 pm
amother [ Yellow ] wrote:
Regarding the child who wants to stay out, obviously safety is the first priority.
I do not know your schedule, family size/structure, responsibilities…
Is it possible that one or 2 nights a week you can go and meet her? That you can take a book and sit on the grass or friends porch and keep an eye?
She will see that you want her to be able to be with her friends and accommodate her and that you are willing to inconvenience yourself sometimes so that she can be with the girls and an the same time how much you prioritize safety.

Going once or twice a week, I don’t believe makes a child spoiled or feel like they are in charge. It makes them feel loved and understand compromise. Often, you may also be able to say to the child that we are a family, we are a team. We work together to make everyone successful and happy. It is not a tit-for-tat or conditional, but one hand washes the other and sometimes you go an extra mile to help her and sometimes she helps you (ie peel veggies for Shabbos instead of relaxing)

Once again, I am saying this without knowing your life, schedule, and responsibilities. I am coming from having a small family (thanks SIF -why did I feel the need to justify?), working part time, and a non-demanding husband.

Great ideas regardless of family size.
I have 4 children and unfortunately dealing with many things these days so just trying to stay afloat at the moment. On the other hand these are my children and I want them to be successful!
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amother




Stone
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:26 pm
TravelHearter wrote:
To the another who said she gives her kids everything’s they ask for unless she can’t afford it, how do you raise them to not expect everything they want, to have good attitudes, and not be spoiled brats?

We raise them by example to be grateful. Since they were in playgroup, teachers have commented how polite they are (saying please and thank you). As an example, we used to go away often for shabbos. Every single time on the ride home my husband would thank the kids for behaving so nicely. I always thank my children when they do things. When there is an attitude of gratitude, it’s easier to internalize it. Another poster mentioned about tuning into a child’s needs, and I think that’s key. While some kids just really like stuff, many times there is a deeper need. If those needs are fulfilled, the child won’t try to fill it with materialism. And like I mentioned, I find that when kids know they can get something, and it’s not a big deal, they don’t feel such a desperate need. As an adult I find myself constantly seeking one materialistic thing after another and it never ends. Because my needs were never met as a child. I don’t want my children to feel that desperation, always trying to fill a never ending hole.
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