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Shiduch abruptly halted just before girl/boy meet-chasdish
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:39 am
Can anyone send hugs advice or anything that can help??
[my first/oldest shiduch]

after a harrowing 2 weeks in which a shiduch was getting more and more
serious and we already checked dor yeshorim and made up about girl/boy meet
the shadchan calls that the other side doesnt' want to rush...they found out something
they want to check into it first and than get back to us

That was Sunday
Today is Tuesday

the silence is deafening
I can't think straight

Help me snap out of this
Also in your experience:
does this mean it's over?
does it mean they're wishy washy?

Am I overreacting?

I feel so bad. We were busy making arrangments for my son to come home from E"Y and than wham bam. My son is also anxious now and I don't have what to tell him

I'm feeling so hurt
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amother




Lotus
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:45 am
Call the shadchan for an update
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amother




Clematis
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:49 am
It can go either way.
I was supposed to meet someone, and they said "pause". We didn't know why, after not hearing back for two weeks, we started considering someone else. The next boy cancelled the day before, never found out why. We went back to the "pause" shidduch, and I ended up marrying him. Years later I found out that the reason they paused was because some well-meaning uncles or other people we had asked information from, had asked for pictures of the boy and his family so that they can see if they think it's a match. We had never gotten the photos or requested them (we got the official photo with the resume, and were fine with that), but they had been very turned off by the request for more photos, which they thought was coming from me.
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amother




Chambray
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:11 pm
Hugs, OP! I feel for you. I was there two years ago with my oldest. We were past Dor Yeshorim and ready for the boy and girl to meet when the other side halted it. It was very, very hard for us (and them, because the reason they ended it was beyond their control). It took us many months to get over it. What gave us lots of chizuk was strengthening ourselves in emuna and bitachon as well as the nigun 'epes bessers' from Michoel Schnitzler's new album.

The good news: my child got engaged a few weeks ago. This shidduch surpasses the failed one in so many ways b"h. It's very difficult when you're in the moment, and you may not be ready to hear this yet, but know that we don't do shidduchim. Hashem coordinates it all. The right shidduch will happen at the right time.
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amother




Kiwi
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 12:13 pm
Normal to anxious, upset, hurt and confused. I'm sorry. Its really tough.
They are not necessarily wishy washy; they have all the right to investigate whatever it is that concerns them. This does not mean its over at all, but you need a good shadchan to keep things on track. Please be in touch with the shadchan and see if you can help her clear their concern.
May the right one come along very soon.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:14 pm
amother [ Chambray ] wrote:
Hugs, OP! I feel for you. I was there two years ago with my oldest. We were past Dor Yeshorim and ready for the boy and girl to meet when the other side halted it. It was very, very hard for us (and them, because the reason they ended it was beyond their control). It took us many months to get over it. What gave us lots of chizuk was strengthening ourselves in emuna and bitachon as well as the nigun 'epes bessers' from Michoel Schnitzler's new album.

The good news: my child got engaged a few weeks ago. This shidduch surpasses the failed one in so many ways b"h. It's very difficult when you're in the moment, and you may not be ready to hear this yet, but know that we don't do shidduchim. Hashem coordinates it all. The right shidduch will happen at the right time.


thanks so much for this!
I so needed this validation
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amother




Springgreen
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:26 pm
My brother's shidduch was halted for 2 weeks! It was torture!! The reason was the it was erev pesach and the mother of the kallah claimed it's too overwhelming to do a shidduch erev pesach. They got engaged after pesach.
OP, you can definitely call the shadchen for an update.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:29 pm
Hugs op! Not fun! I would say to call the shadchan and find out what the story is. Hatzlocha op and remember that everything is from Hashem. Gmar Chasimah Tovah!
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 1:36 pm
amother [ Kiwi ] wrote:
Normal to anxious, upset, hurt and confused. I'm sorry. Its really tough.
They are not necessarily wishy washy; they have all the right to investigate whatever it is that concerns them. This does not mean its over at all, but you need a good shadchan to keep things on track. Please be in touch with the shadchan and see if you can help her clear their concern.
May the right one come along very soon.
[I]

Amen.

I just want to say that while people have 'all the right to investigate' you don't abruptly halt a shiduch unless it's a real and legit concern like medical mental or emotional
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amother




Moccasin
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 3:03 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
[I]

Amen.

I just want to say that while people have 'all the right to investigate' you don't abruptly halt a shiduch unless it's a real and legit concern like medical mental or emotional


Is this a regular dating shidduch or bshow?
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amother




Lotus
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 3:17 pm
I’m thinking it’s entirely possible that they are unsure, and the Erev Yom Tov is adding to the overwhelmingness...
They might not realize how they are presenting themselves.
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doodlesmom




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 3:21 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
[I]

Amen.

I just want to say that while people have 'all the right to investigate' you don't abruptly halt a shiduch unless it's a real and legit concern like medical mental or emotional


While I understand your pain, I feel that any concern big or small is a good enough reason to halt a shidduch. Rather now than after they meet, or once they are engaged….
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 4:18 pm
amother [ Moccasin ] wrote:
Is this a regular dating shidduch or bshow?


Bshow
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amother




Maroon
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 4:23 pm
Sometimes instead of a no, the shadchen will say they need more time...
Happened to me, bh got engaged 2 weeks later and I think im lucky it never happened the first shiduch, I even met with the mother Can't Believe It
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naturalmom5




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 4:35 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
[I]

Amen.

I just want to say that while people have 'all the right to investigate' you don't abruptly halt a shiduch unless it's a real and legit concern like medical mental or emotional


Maybe it is
Or they perceive it is
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amother




Moccasin
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 4:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Bshow


Im not chassidish, so I don't really know how it works, but from the few chassidish acquaintances I have, I understood from them that a bshow is basically the last step before getting engaged and if someone says no after a bshow it gives them a bad name. I guess the other side needs to be 100 percent sure it's the right fit before having the bshow. By shidduch dating, many people give it a try because not as big a deal.
I may be totally wrong about this, so noone throw tomatoes.
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amother




Green
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 5:02 pm
I'm not chassidish, but I remember when I was dating my dh, my parents were given information by someone about him having a serious medical issue. Lots of panicking until we were able to get hold of someone to clear up that the person with a serious medical issue was his cousin who has a similar name and is almost the same age. (and we happily continued dating and lived happily ever after Very Happy )
I think that sometimes people agree to a shidduch and suddenly someone can mention something that they weren't expecting and then they hesitate. And in my case the information wasn't true but it still caused us to pause until it was verified.
I would rather the other side went into things properly and didn't have doubts than continued and it ended with an abrupt no. I don't see it as wishy washy (or at least it shouldn't be).
Depending on what the issue was, and with yom tov, they might not have been able to get hold of the people they needed to clarify the issue to move forwards. I definitely remember times where you needed to talk to a specific person and particularly with the time differences, and they were only available bein sedarim, it could take a few days to get hold of them.
I think you should be contacting the shadchan and asking for a time-scale, if you need to fly him home, you need an answer.
Hatzlacha op and I hope it works out.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 5:07 pm
Really not nice when there's international travel and a plane flight involved.

I'd see it as a red flag.
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allthingsblue




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 5:19 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
[I]

Amen.

I just want to say that while people have 'all the right to investigate' you don't abruptly halt a shiduch unless it's a real and legit concern like medical mental or emotional


Wouldn’t you be a lot more hurt if they backed out after a meeting being that this is chassidish circles and meeting basically means you’re getting engaged?
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amother




NeonBlue
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 5:34 pm
IME this is not a good sign. I have found that a shidduch has to flow- when it's the right one, things generally move well. Once there are these type of snags, it's just not meant to be. This has been my experience with a number of my own children and others that I know. No bashing, please. I know it's not everyone's experience and can still turn around.
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