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Shiduch abruptly halted just before girl/boy meet-chasdish
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momsrus




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 6:16 pm
amother [ Moccasin ] wrote:
Im not chassidish, so I don't really know how it works, but from the few chassidish acquaintances I have, I understood from them that a bshow is basically the last step before getting engaged and if someone says no after a bshow it gives them a bad name. I guess the other side needs to be 100 percent sure it's the right fit before having the bshow. By shidduch dating, many people give it a try because not as big a deal.
I may be totally wrong about this, so noone throw tomatoes.


This is not true in all chasidish circles.
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cnc




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 7:16 pm
doodlesmom wrote:
While I understand your pain, I feel that any concern big or small is a good enough reason to halt a shidduch. Rather now than after they meet, or once they are engaged….


This! People have the right (and should !) do enough information until they’re completely comfortable. Major medical issues etc are not the only legitimate reason to stop a shidduch.
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strawberry cola




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 7:20 pm
It's hard to see it clearly when you are in it but Hashem is watching over you and preparing the right zivug for your son. If it's not this girl, then it will be someone far better for him. Hugs
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amother




Cerise
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:02 pm
I have a relative whom a similar thing happened when they thought he's getting engaged. He and his family said tehiilim like crazy that the shidduch should happen and it did a week later. They had a few kids and then divorced.

IMHO keep davening for a good shidduch but don't storm the heavens that it should be this one.
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scintilla




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:41 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
I have a relative whom a similar thing happened when they thought he's getting engaged. He and his family said tehiilim like crazy that the shidduch should happen and it did a week later. They had a few kids and then divorced.

IMHO keep davening for a good shidduch but don't storm the heavens that it should be this one.


I learnt that for exactly this reason, one should never daven for a specific shidduch. Rather daven that they should find their zivug easily and in the right time, and that the right time should come soon.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 8:50 pm
amother [ NeonBlue ] wrote:
IME this is not a good sign. I have found that a shidduch has to flow- when it's the right one, things generally move well. Once there are these type of snags, it's just not meant to be. This has been my experience with a number of my own children and others that I know. No bashing, please. I know it's not everyone's experience and can still turn around.


I hear this, but I think the reverse can also be true. When a shidduch is about to happen, the satan tries to ruin it. Creating a new Bayis Neeman beyisroel is such a holy Thing that the Satan tries to interfere.

OP, this is a very nervewracking situation, I totally feel for you.
I hope you called the shadchan to get an update.
May you hear besuros tovos soon!
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amother




Obsidian
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 9:58 pm
So nerve wracking op! It could mean a lot of different things and it’s impossible for you to know what’s really going on, so don’t waste time worrying and analyzing (easier said than done!). Daven for everyone involved to have clarity and daven that if this is your son’s bashert it should go smoothly. I’m finding that having big kids forces me to work on my bitachon majorly!
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amother




Gray
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 10:04 pm
amother [ Moccasin ] wrote:
Im not chassidish, so I don't really know how it works, but from the few chassidish acquaintances I have, I understood from them that a bshow is basically the last step before getting engaged and if someone says no after a bshow it gives them a bad name. I guess the other side needs to be 100 percent sure it's the right fit before having the bshow. By shidduch dating, many people give it a try because not as big a deal.
I may be totally wrong about this, so noone throw tomatoes.


Yeah wrong info. I said no to a boy. My niece said no to 3 boys. Didn't even occur to think that it gives a bad name. (Plus Shidduchim are so secretive, how would anyone even know I said no).
Also, the boy and girl need to have the option of saying no without any repercussions.
We were both typical Williamsburg Chassidish girls.
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amother




Moonstone
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:14 pm
amother [ Moccasin ] wrote:
Im not chassidish, so I don't really know how it works, but from the few chassidish acquaintances I have, I understood from them that a bshow is basically the last step before getting engaged and if someone says no after a bshow it gives them a bad name. I guess the other side needs to be 100 percent sure it's the right fit before having the bshow. By shidduch dating, many people give it a try because not as big a deal.
I may be totally wrong about this, so noone throw tomatoes.

This is only partially true but still valid.
It's not the last step and either party can still say no. BUT, I think there is a much greater sense of interest/commitment with a bshow. There can be a casual date, but there isn't really ever a casual bshow. So while the shidduch might still not work out, and either boy or girl might say no, ppl take all information a lot more seriously before the bshow takes place.
Op, I can imagine you are feeling really frustrated and disappointed. There's a chance the shidduch may still happen. Maybe it will and maybe it won't, but it's important for your ds and you to understand that this is part of the shidduch process. These things aren't personal and shidduchim can be halted at all stages. It's never a done deal... until it is.
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post Tue, Sep 14 2021, 11:57 pm
Im speaking from the litvish POV but isnt it better for your son he didnt waste time on a date with a girl that might not be his bashert?
I absolutely hated shidduchim for that reason
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amother




Lightpink
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 1:20 am
I think you can call the shadchan and ask straight out if they've changed their mind about their daughter meeting your son, or if they actually need more time to investigate. This way you can know clearly if you should hold out on this one, or move on.

Hugs!
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amother




Sunflower
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 1:40 am
We had a someone follow my son around, for 3 weeks then they heard some neg info & halted the shidduch after they wanted to go ahead already. They gave some excuse that they not really listening yet. We were very disappointed but later when girl got engaged, my son heard that girl had some mental issues. We thanked Hashem that we got spared.
All our mutual family friends tried to push us to finish the shidduch, as they thought it was the perfect match. Nobody gave us the real info about the girl.
I also spoke to neighbors, friends, teachers, principals etc.
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amother




Daffodil
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 2:02 am
I'm not chassidish, so I'm seeing things differently. But why are you describing this as a harrowing time? Shouldn't there be joy and anticipation here?
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 1:34 pm
in the chassidish world, are boys told when their parents are doing research? isnt it better to just tell them right before a date so they dont get their hopes up?
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amother




Iris
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 1:39 pm
amother [ Daffodil ] wrote:
I'm not chassidish, so I'm seeing things differently. But why are you describing this as a harrowing time? Shouldn't there be joy and anticipation here?


I’m not Chassidish either but I think this is one of those things you have to be Chassidish to understand. I find this thread fascinating but I can’t relate to it at all.
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amother




Gray
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 2:02 pm
amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:
in the chassidish world, are boys told when their parents are doing research? isnt it better to just tell them right before a date so they dont get their hopes up?


Every family does their own thing.
One of my brothers wanted to be involved.
Another one only wanted to know once things get serious.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 2:08 pm
amother [ Daffodil ] wrote:
I'm not chassidish, so I'm seeing things differently. But why are you describing this as a harrowing time? Shouldn't there be joy and anticipation here?


Harrowing because OP doesnt know what's going on. Ain simcha k'hataras hasefeikos. It's very difficult to be in a place of doubt and indecision. When the shidduch is finalized that's when there is joy. Anticipation when you know it's on track to happen.

I think its especially difficult because OP was already convinced this was happening. She was led on to believe that there will be a meeting.
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amother




Hawthorn
 

Post Wed, Sep 15 2021, 2:16 pm
amother [ Sunflower ] wrote:
We had a someone follow my son around, for 3 weeks then they heard some neg info & halted the shidduch after they wanted to go ahead already. They gave some excuse that they not really listening yet. We were very disappointed but later when girl got engaged, my son heard that girl had some mental issues. We thanked Hashem that we got spared.
All our mutual family friends tried to push us to finish the shidduch, as they thought it was the perfect match. Nobody gave us the real info about the girl.
I also spoke to neighbors, friends, teachers, principals etc.
That's not right, unless they didn't know. Why are people so secretive when it comes to the most important decision in life.
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