No connection | Imamother

amother

Wed, Sep 15 2021, 1:28 pm

I'm awful. I feel zero connection to the holiest day of the year. I hate davening. And it feels awful to say this but I dread this day . Im gonna be home with 3 kids under 5, and I'm a terrible faster. Im also addicted to my phone and therefore resent this day even more. Please don't come at me for saying this, I know it sounds awful but its just what I feel.

Im adding a poll cuz it'll make feel better if im not the only one.

amother

Milk

Wed, Sep 15 2021, 1:32 pm

I couldnt decide between somewhat and no.
This year Ive been off my game. Got married, got pregnant, had a baby BH. Been focusing on my baby these past 8 months. I look at that as a high form of avodah. I thank hashem in my words "thank you for giving me the zechus of being her mommy and trusting me with her neshama"
I sit with her and count her toes and fingers and thank hashem for that
I ask hashem for many healthy years so I can see her grow up

I still feel bad I dont daven from a siddur all the time

amother

Wed, Sep 15 2021, 1:56 pm

amother [ Milk ] wrote:

Thank you. I like the idea of talking to hashem in your own words.

amother

Tanzanite

Wed, Sep 15 2021, 2:01 pm

It helps me to listen to a shiur about YK which I did this morning. Also not to be hard on myself if I can't go to shul or daven so much. I bought a book (new book about SM Rubashkin) which will keep me busy and connected, I hope.

Zehava

Wed, Sep 15 2021, 2:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Do you have a trauma history

amother

Wed, Sep 15 2021, 2:30 pm

Zehava wrote:

Do you have a trauma history

Yes, unfortunately I do.

amother

Lilac

Wed, Sep 15 2021, 2:33 pm

I feel the same and I hate it. I don’t think I have trauma? How would I know?

Zehava

Wed, Sep 15 2021, 2:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Yes, unfortunately I do.

Don’t beat yourself up over not feeling. You’re probably beating yourself up enough as it is. It’s not your fault. Take it as it comes.

causemommysaid

Wed, Sep 15 2021, 2:48 pm

It's a tough day and many of us are home with little kids and have no time or energy to invest in the day.

Don't worry about your feelings. Hashem can handle it. Just remember that the key is fasting and taking care of your children. Do those two things and you scored 100% on the day even if you felt nothing besides resentment.

amother

Wed, Sep 15 2021, 3:09 pm

Zehava wrote:

Don’t beat yourself up over not feeling. You’re probably beating yourself up enough as it is. It’s not your fault. Take it as it comes.

You're right, I do beat myself way too often . I'll try really hard not to do that for one day.

amother

NeonPurple

Wed, Sep 15 2021, 3:13 pm

Zehava wrote:

Don’t beat yourself up over not feeling. You’re probably beating yourself up enough as it is. It’s not your fault. Take it as it comes.

I also have a trauma history unfortunately. Although I know it’s related, but I’m not clear how. Any more input?

amother

cornflower

Wed, Sep 15 2021, 3:15 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

You're right, I do beat myself way too often . I'll try really hard not to do that for one day.

Can you read instead of looking at your phone?

PinkFridge

Fri, Sep 17 2021, 4:04 pm

Hugs. I would say, read. Preferably something with some substance (and I count the frum weeklies as qualifying for you) but whatever you did (yeah, sorry, too late) that was NOT your phone, that kept you in a pleasant frame of mind to care for your kids earned you lots of heavenly points, IMO. Hope the day went well.