Home

Children argue at the table
1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post Thu, Sep 16 2021, 9:42 pm
My kids are ages ds17 dd 15 dd12 dd12

My son has asd and at every meal he will either do something or say something to one of the twins and she will get upset and leave the table.

Lately its every sudah. He will call them babies, or smack one of them.
As soon as he comes home though the door hes already yelling at them or swearing at them.

I've told him several times no yelling or bad words in the house and to not talk touch or look at the girls.

What can I do that he will stop bothering them.
Back to top

amother




Papaya
 

Post Thu, Sep 16 2021, 9:54 pm
I don’t know, but it must be very hard. Sending love.
Back to top

amother




Sienna
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 12:19 am
Does he has a therapist who works with him on his ASD? He might not see it this way but he's abusing your daughters, physically and emotionally, and they shouldn't be exposed to this, even worse in their own home.

I think you need to engage outside help for this. I'd probably say that even if he was nt because this is unacceptable and 17yos are old enough to know. A therapist he already knows would be the first place to start.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 3:31 am
amother [ Sienna ] wrote:
Does he has a therapist who works with him on his ASD? He might not see it this way but he's abusing your daughters, physically and emotionally, and they shouldn't be exposed to this, even worse in their own home.

I think you need to engage outside help for this. I'd probably say that even if he was nt because this is unacceptable and 17yos are old enough to know. A therapist he already knows would be the first place to start.


He has a psychologist and I'm working on getting him a therapist
Back to top

amother




Aqua
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 3:49 am
Don’t leave him unsupervised with them. He shouldn’t sit anywhere near them at the table so that he can’t touch them or have them in his view.
Back to top

amother




Chestnut
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 4:03 am
Consider putting him in a group home
Back to top

amother




Sienna
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 4:42 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
He has a psychologist and I'm working on getting him a therapist


Have you spoken to the psychologist about this? What did they say?
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 5:27 am
amother [ Chestnut ] wrote:
Consider putting him in a group home


Why the h would I consider that? He is high functioning, goes to yeshiva and high school. Has friends. And yes his psychologist knows about his behaviour. Besides, I'm not in Israel or usa where this is an option for a Yiddisha kid
Back to top

amother




SandyBrown
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 5:30 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Why the h would I consider that? He is high functioning, goes to yeshiva and high school. Has friends. And yes his psychologist knows about his behaviour. Besides, I'm not in Israel or usa where this is an option for a Yiddisha kid


How high functioning can he be, if he's abusing your other children on a regular basis? Violence in the home is not OK, no matter what the diagnosis is. Your other kids deserve a safe place to live.
Back to top

amother




NeonPurple
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 6:07 am
I have a son with ASD and ADHD and he is often instigating fights at the table.
His are more verbal fights ie teasing, comparing. He doesn't have the best table manners but he isn't intentionally hurting anyone. I had spent a lot of time focusing on him until I realized that his behavior was really upsetting the other kids and started focusing on the others.
I have 3 kids plus a baby. All but the baby are in therapy. Their therapist helps them navigate this complicated and upsetting reality of having a high needs yet difficult ASD brother.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 6:18 am
amother [ NeonPurple ] wrote:
I have a son with ASD and ADHD and he is often instigating fights at the table.
His are more verbal fights ie teasing, comparing. He doesn't have the best table manners but he isn't intentionally hurting anyone. I had spent a lot of time focusing on him until I realized that his behavior was really upsetting the other kids and started focusing on the others.
I have 3 kids plus a baby. All but the baby are in therapy. Their therapist helps them navigate this complicated and upsetting reality of having a high needs yet difficult ASD brother.


Thank you
Back to top

amother




Sienna
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 6:59 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Why the h would I consider that? He is high functioning, goes to yeshiva and high school. Has friends. And yes his psychologist knows about his behaviour. Besides, I'm not in Israel or usa where this is an option for a Yiddisha kid


What did the psychologist say about this? Until you find a therapist, is there anyone he would listen to immediately to get him to stop his behavior? A therapist will help him get to the root and resolve his own issues but you need a band-aid in the meantime to protect your girls.

You said he doesn't listen to you. Is there a DH in the picture? Would he listen to him? Is there anyone else whom he'd listen to if they told him that it is absolutely 100% non-negotiable not permitted to hit, swear, or name-call his sisters, not even one more time?
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 7:07 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My kids are ages ds17 dd 15 dd12 dd12

My son has asd and at every meal he will either do something or say something to one of the twins and she will get upset and leave the table.

Lately its every sudah. He will call them babies, or smack one of them.
As soon as he comes home though the door hes already yelling at them or swearing at them.

I've told him several times no yelling or bad words in the house and to not talk touch or look at the girls.

What can I do that he will stop bothering them.


There is a HUGE difference between arguing and physical violence. I'm concerned that by the title of this thread, you are downplaying the seriousness of the situation.

Just because your girls are doing their best to cope, doesn't mean that they are OK. It just means that they are trying to hide their pain.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 7:32 am
amother [ Sienna ] wrote:
What did the psychologist say about this? Until you find a therapist, is there anyone he would listen to immediately to get him to stop his behavior? A therapist will help him get to the root and resolve his own issues but you need a band-aid in the meantime to protect your girls.

You said he doesn't listen to you. Is there a DH in the picture? Would he listen to him? Is there anyone else whom he'd listen to if they told him that it is absolutely 100% non-negotiable not permitted to hit, swear, or name-call his sisters, not even one more time?


He does listen to me and his father. Also his rebbi.
Back to top

amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 7:34 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
There is a HUGE difference between arguing and physical violence. I'm concerned that by the title of this thread, you are downplaying the seriousness of the situation.

Just because your girls are doing their best to cope, doesn't mean that they are OK. It just means that they are trying to hide their pain.


Thank you, I never really thought of that angle. I'll look into it.
Back to top

amother




Iris
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 7:52 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Why the h would I consider that? He is high functioning, goes to yeshiva and high school. Has friends. And yes his psychologist knows about his behaviour. Besides, I'm not in Israel or usa where this is an option for a Yiddisha kid


Also a mom of an ASD high functioning 16 year old son.

What about letting him have some alone time in his room?
My son is youngest in my family & used to resent his nephews/nieces & get angry.
He was gently told by us that if things get too heated & too overwhelming & stimulating for him, he needs to go to his room & just RELAX there. Have things in his room that he enjoys. For mine it’s his keyboard & books.
Group home?? Advice here on ima mother must be taken with a whole box of salt!
Back to top

amother




SandyBrown
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 8:29 am
amother [ Iris ] wrote:

Group home?? Advice here on ima mother must be taken with a whole box of salt!


Group homes are a viable option for a violent child who is endangering the other people in the house. A 17yo is probably about the size of an adult man, and has the potential to seriously harm someone.

Many group homes are staffed with loving people who really care for the residents. I know a couple of people who have transferred their older male autistic children to group homes, and the boys thrive in the consistency. Everything is catered to their needs and sensitivities, which is not always possible in their own home. They come home for Shabbat and Chagim, whenever possible.

Please do not shame anyone who has had to make such a difficult decision. IYH you should never know.
Back to top

amother




Iris
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 8:34 am
amother [ SandyBrown ] wrote:
Group homes are a viable option for a violent child who is endangering the other people in the house. A 17yo is probably about the size of an adult man, and has the potential to seriously harm someone.

Many group homes are staffed with loving people who really care for the residents. I know a couple of people who have transferred their older male autistic children to group homes, and the boys thrive in the consistency. Everything is catered to their needs and sensitivities, which is not always possible in their own home. They come home for Shabbat and Chagim, whenever possible.

Please do not shame anyone who has had to make such a difficult decision. IYH you should never know.


I am aware of details of group home & I’m not shaming anyone
But suggesting a group home right off the top is a little too premature.
As stated in my post I am a mom of a child on the spectrum so I’m not as sheltered as you may think
Back to top

amother




Ivory
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 8:36 am
I agree with the giving him down time thing. I would set up a behavioral system, where he earns for good behavior and your dd's earn for reacting appropriately in the way you determine (protecting themselves without name calling, for example). You can also look at the situation and see if there are changes you can make, like seating, that may help.

Also, check in with the school and ask your dh to pay attention at shul re how he reacts in crowded/stimulating environments. You may benefit from a break between shul and the meal, if he's maxed out after shul. Also, is he medicated at all? If this occurs in other situations, I find Intuniv to be a really good choice for regulation, with few to no side effects.
Back to top

hodeez




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 8:36 am
What consequences does he get for abusing his sisters? A polite "please stop" isn't going to cut it

Last edited by hodeez on Fri, Sep 17 2021, 8:44 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top
1, 2  Next Recent Topics

Page 1 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
How do I show my children that I love them?
by amother
13 Yesterday at 10:12 pm View last post
I've got several children with special needs. AMA
by amother
122 Wed, Oct 13 2021, 3:43 pm View last post
Can young children receive monoclonal antibody infusion
by amother
0 Wed, Oct 13 2021, 12:53 am View last post
Help! How do you cover your table? I'm out of ideas 23 Tue, Oct 12 2021, 8:52 pm View last post
Best Parsha/other sefer for Shabbos table?
by amother
7 Sun, Oct 10 2021, 9:44 am View last post