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My boys don’t stop fighting
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 11:23 am
I work so so hard to make a peaceful setting in my hime. My boys just don’t stop fighting. They don’t last more than 1 min without fighting. And no I am not exaggerating. They will try to play a game tog and within min it erupts into cheater! Cheater! And then to screaming and throwing things at each other. I remain calm and model resolution strategies but it doesn’t work and I just want to cry. They chase each other shrieking so loud and end up running to me mommy mommy!! In a panicked voice bec the other is chasing them. Every time my heart starts to rave and I feel like I’m in a war zone. Yes I try separating them proactively. It doesn’t work well, bec they tech want to be tog. I’ve tried talking calmly in a time when they aren’t fighting but it gets no where. I don’t punish or threaten bec that is my way of parenting so please don’t suggest that. They are more than fine with other kids. Very well adjusted Bh otherwise. They just cannot for the life of them get along.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 11:35 am
I don't know if this will help at all, and I should probably keep my mouth shut...but I remember my brothers standing opposite each other holding chairs, using them as makeshift battering rams. My mother (who was an only child and was positive that had she had a sibling, she would have treated that sibling royally) would be literally beside herself.

All I can tell you is that they are grown up, fathers B"AH of several children, and the closest of brothers today.

There's hope.
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 11:41 am
Chayalle wrote:
I don't know if this will help at all, and I should probably keep my mouth shut...but I remember my brothers standing opposite each other holding chairs, using them as makeshift battering rams. My mother (who was an only child and was positive that had she had a sibling, she would have treated that sibling royally) would be literally beside herself.

All I can tell you is that they are grown up, fathers B"AH of several children, and the closest of brothers today.

There's hope.

This made me laugh! Yes they have used chairs the same way! So there is hope.. thank u for sharing!!
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asmileaday




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 11:53 am
Chayalle wrote:
I don't know if this will help at all, and I should probably keep my mouth shut...but I remember my brothers standing opposite each other holding chairs, using them as makeshift battering rams. My mother (who was an only child and was positive that had she had a sibling, she would have treated that sibling royally) would be literally beside herself.

All I can tell you is that they are grown up, fathers B"AH of several children, and the closest of brothers today.

There's hope.


Lol I remember the same with my brothers. My Mom would hang posters in their rooms with quotes that encourage sibling love. They were always fighting (2 in particular, out of many more!). They are both fathers today and best buddies joking about those days.
I think the most important thing is to remain neutral and not take sides.
I'm a mom of boys too and I found it very helpful to play the games with them and model gracious game playing skills. I would recite over and over we are playing to have fun, not to win.
And at the end of the day you just have to accept that they will fight and you'll have to be there to reflect back their complaints and help them work it out calmly.
It's easier said than done and it's very frustrating, I totally understand!
By now my boys are already a bit older (mostly teens) and they fight much less. It gets better!

Just to add- I would also tell my kids a lot "you'll see you'll still be best friends when you grow up" "I remember fighting with my siblings and now we love each other". I think when they hear it over and over it penetrares somewhat.
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naturalmom5




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 12:09 pm
Lol

I had to put a valise in backseat of car to keep them apart
In shoprite one dumped a yogurt on the others head in front of a lot of people


One pushed the other into the car trunk and closed it

Today my 22 yr old saves money from his job all year to visit his 25 yr old brother once a year
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amother




Geranium
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 12:16 pm
Use ear plugs or ear buds with loud music on and tell them from now on there is no involving you. They can fight, you don’t care. But for real. They’ll know if you’re getting angry on the inside. Show them where there are bandaids and if there’s blood they need to help each other fix it. The more you show your exasperation the more they’ll do this.
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amother




Offwhite
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 12:30 pm
It's tough, but one thing you can try is rewarding them for when they get along. Example, if they play a game nicely with no name calling, you'll get them slurpees. Might need to adjust for age. Or give them jobs that require them to work cooperatively, then make a big deal of praising the delicious kugel that came out so delicious because they make a good team.

I also try to always look for opportunities to compliment them to each other by pointing out when 1 does something nice or caring for the other. "Look how much yossi loves you, he saved you a candy from the siyum!"
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amother




OP
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 12:33 pm
Ty all. I’d really rather not do bribing rewarding etc.. it’s really not how I like to parent… and they actually do so nice things for each other from time to time. Like save a nosh for the other from school or help each other with opening a snack etc. but they just can’t seem to interact without escalating.. I guess it’s more of a me issue. I get so sensory overloaded and feel like I’m trapped in a loud crazy place with things flying around me.. I know deep down they will be ok eventually, it’s just soooo hard getting through these many years u til then.
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bigsis144




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 12:49 pm
amother [ Geranium ] wrote:
Use ear plugs or ear buds with loud music on and tell them from now on there is no involving you. They can fight, you don’t care. But for real. They’ll know if you’re getting angry on the inside. Show them where there are bandaids and if there’s blood they need to help each other fix it. The more you show your exasperation the more they’ll do this.


????

How is this not enabling abuse?
How do you ensure the emotional and physical safety of all children involved?
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amother




Geranium
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 12:53 pm
bigsis144 wrote:
????

How is this not enabling abuse?
How do you ensure the emotional and physical safety of all children involved?


It’s not abuse if they’re on equal footing.
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bigsis144




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 12:57 pm
amother [ Geranium ] wrote:
It’s not abuse if they’re on equal footing.


What does that mean?

Similar ages?

Similar emotional maturity and resilience, so they know when it’s just play/teasing and when to back off because it’s going too far? (The only times my children have regretted hurting one another was when it ended with a trip to the ER for a broken limb or stitches. Most of the time they will continue until I physically break them up, and they will continue stewing believing that if only I let them get in one last whack it would be “fair”. And so when the next fight inevitably breaks out, it’s got the baggage of every previous grudge in there and they’re just trying to “get even”.)

Similar height/weight so neither has a physical advantage? (A thin, wiry 90lb 12 year old vs. a sturdy 80lb 9 year old)

Similar creativity in finding their sibling’s weak points vs. one sibling having a greater intelligence/intuition of what would hurt? (One kid is a random flail-er who is just reacting physically in an uncoordinated, emotionally charged way vs. deliberate chokeholds, sharp elbows, pointed insults, etc. What if the “uncontrolled” one bites or destroys property on a shorter trigger, but the one with more patience will verbally put down the other one at every opportunity, so they seem “less violent”, or can goad the other one into striking first so that it’s now “self defense” to hit back?)

Similar relationship with/perception of their parents, so they feel safe being left alone to cope vs. feeling abandoned? (If a child says “You never defend me! He just hits me and kicks me and you don’t even care!”, is that the time to say, “ehhh, you punched him unprovoked - or at least without bothering to talk about what was bothering you - an hour ago. I’m not getting involved, this is your problem, not mine.”)

Ignoring fighting will make you miss all of these important details.
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keeplearning




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 2:18 pm
Read "Siblings without Rivalry" they have it in audiobook as well.
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bigsis144




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 2:57 pm
keeplearning wrote:
Read "Siblings without Rivalry" they have it in audiobook as well.


I’ve read it. I took an 8-week Faber & Mazlish class.
I wish my kids would read it and respond like the kids in the book do 😜
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 3:23 pm
Maybe forbid them to play together and make them stay in separate areas?
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asmileaday




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 3:27 pm
bigsis144 wrote:
What does that mean?

Similar ages?

Similar emotional maturity and resilience, so they know when it’s just play/teasing and when to back off because it’s going too far? (The only times my children have regretted hurting one another was when it ended with a trip to the ER for a broken limb or stitches. Most of the time they will continue until I physically break them up, and they will continue stewing believing that if only I let them get in one last whack it would be “fair”. And so when the next fight inevitably breaks out, it’s got the baggage of every previous grudge in there and they’re just trying to “get even”.)

Similar height/weight so neither has a physical advantage? (A thin, wiry 90lb 12 year old vs. a sturdy 80lb 9 year old)

Similar creativity in finding their sibling’s weak points vs. one sibling having a greater intelligence/intuition of what would hurt? (One kid is a random flail-er who is just reacting physically in an uncoordinated, emotionally charged way vs. deliberate chokeholds, sharp elbows, pointed insults, etc. What if the “uncontrolled” one bites or destroys property on a shorter trigger, but the one with more patience will verbally put down the other one at every opportunity, so they seem “less violent”, or can goad the other one into striking first so that it’s now “self defense” to hit back?)

Similar relationship with/perception of their parents, so they feel safe being left alone to cope vs. feeling abandoned? (If a child says “You never defend me! He just hits me and kicks me and you don’t even care!”, is that the time to say, “ehhh, you punched him unprovoked - or at least without bothering to talk about what was bothering you - an hour ago. I’m not getting involved, this is your problem, not mine.”)

Ignoring fighting will make you miss all of these important details.


Honestly I think what you describe here is not the regular sibling rivalry.
But I don't agree either with the advice of let them find bandaids if there's blood. There's a middle ground.
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 3:31 pm
Can you ask them to come up with a solution without you and reward them if they do?
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sygirl




 
 
 
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 3:32 pm
Nerf guns, we have a huge collection. Seems to do the job
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amother




Wheat
 

Post Fri, Sep 17 2021, 4:59 pm
I’m going through this and I’m losing my mind. I don’t know what to do. I feel like just walking out of the house and driving away and never coming back as they pull each other’s hair and throw toys at each other and break lego and scream and yell right next to me. I can’t handle this.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Sep 18 2021, 2:07 pm
My sister and I fought like cats and dogs. You cannot imagine two girls who were more opposite in personality. I was the bossy one, but she had a passive aggressive mean streak, yet looked so innocent that I was always the one who got in trouble.

We used to bite each other black and blue all the time. If one of us ran to mom, she would just pull up the sleeves of the other one and point out that we had an equal number of bites - then go back to cooking dinner. Eventually we got tired of biting and moved on to something else.

Now, we are very good friends, but it took a long time.

I found the book "Parenting Kids with Love and Logic" to be helpful. I have an only child, but she had a BFF who she was constantly fighting with (when they weren't being inseparable.)

The "Love and Logic" technique puts everyone on the same team, and encourages everyone to brainstorm solutions to the problem. No idea is too silly, to severe, or too "stupid". The answers your kids will come up with can reveal a lot of what their internal thought processes are, and the results can really surprise you. I think you'll find it very enlightening.
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amother




Viola
 

Post Sat, Sep 18 2021, 5:15 pm
In a way, this thread makes me feel a tiny bit better - at least, I'm not the only one. My 3 kids, close in age and all under 10, also fight nearly constantly. They fight on principle even if there's no real reason to do so. Someone always screams because someone else hit him. They do use chairs as battering rams, as well, like someone posted above. Half of our chairs are broken or wonky half the time. They take revenge on each other and on their things. Today, during Shabbat, one boy threw the other one's blanket into the garden into the dirt. The other retaliated in kind. Makes 2 dirty blankets to wash. Great. They also steal from each other, including money. Dd had saved a special bar of chocolate for Shabbat. Ds found it and swallowed the thing whole and afterwards claimed it was by "accident".
The other ds a few weeks ago smashed a window of a locked room to get to the sweets stored there(!). And threw a rock at our car out of anger.
On Shabbat and YT when they have no school and are home with no screen time available, I often feel like I'm locked inside a cage with a bunch of crazy monkeys!! They chase each other around the house really like Tom and Jerry in those old cartoons. They throw any things that come to hand at each other, toys, bags, clothes, shoes and so on.
They even draw kitchen knives at each other! If I hide the knives, they carry on with spits and forks. It's insane.
Luckily, their fights rarely cause serious injuries. Mostly, it's just scratches and minor bruises. And I feel I'm getting noise induced hearing loss from all the screaming. But they do destroy a lot of stuff.
I try to believe that it will get better one day but it's hard to envision that.
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