Home

Want my daughter to have better life (vent)

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post Sat, Sep 18 2021, 9:47 pm
I realize that wanting kids to have a better life than you is normal for parents, this is mostly an anxiety vent.
Full disclosure- my daughter isn't even born yet- IYH, she is due in early December. Ok, here goes:
I'm so freaked out about wanting my daughter to do better. I mean, I did ok, I guess. I have a job that I'm pretty good at, ( I think) I'm a preschool morah, and a husband I love but we have so many problems. My husband is on the autism spectrum and that causes a lot of tension between us over problems seeing eye-to-eye. He can say things that are really hurtful and not understand my reactions. I took a long time getting settled in my job so I don't have a ton of money or feel like my career is where it should be. (Long story short: I'm BT, went to secular college, excelled in athletics and was trying to go pro for awhile before I hit mid 20s and realized I couldn't sustain the lifestyle financially or with my health intact any longer.) I'm a bit frummer than my husband in some regards and we disagree about what community would be right to raise our daughter in. I had a rough childhood- parents had a nasty divorce, mother could be abusive, untreated mental health disorders that plague me to this day.
I want my daughter to do so much better than me. I want her to excel in school and be part of a tight knit frum community. I want her to have more friends and social support and familial support than I had, by leaps and bounds. I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made, whether wasting time on an untenable career or taking so long to come to the realization that following the ways of HaShem is what matters.
I feel like at this point in my life, all that I can do is try to ensure that my daughter has a better one, but I also feel too tired and beaten down to do this. Maybe this is just my post chag feeling- but I don;t think so.
Back to top

amother




Black
 

Post Sat, Sep 18 2021, 10:01 pm
Wow OP your post says so much. First of all, you are juggling so much, and I think you must be very strong to get up every day and do it all over again.
I can relate to the husband thing. Mine never got an official diagnosis, but I can relate to the things you mention.
I have 3 kids. I could have written your post when I was pregnant with my first.
In my opinion, just the fact that you're posting this question shows that you will do better than what you've gotten in your childhood.
I was taking with a friend. We concluded that the best mother is not the one who does everything perfectly, but the one who's ready to admit that she doesn't know everything, and is willing to accept advice, constructive criticism, and always become better.
There's no way to guarantee our children will have a better life than we will. I'm way healthier than my parents were, and I hope a better mother than mine, and guess what, I have kids who have complicated issues and endured months and years of pain and trauma.
You will do your best, because clearly you want the best for your daughter, and you will use all the power you have to set her on a good path in life, and then you will let go, and get to see how she grows and flourishes into her own person, making choices, succeeding, making mistakes. And you will learn so much from the experience, more than you can ever know now.
I wish you strength and clarity on the wonderful beautiful journey ahead!
Back to top

behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post Sat, Sep 18 2021, 10:04 pm
I think the best gift you can give your child is the best version of you. I would start with getting in touch with myself, healing old sounds, strengthening your relationship with your husband, taking good care of yourself.
Back to top

amother




Peru
 

Post Sat, Sep 18 2021, 10:17 pm
Some things thst jumped out.
You need to be realistic about what you can and cannot have. Ie for a BT family support may not be possible.
Also, you can't have unrealistic expectations. Your daughter may not be academically successful but you can help her be socially and emotionally successful in school.
Separate your desires for your childhood from what being a healthy parent means.
Therapy sounds like a great idea.
And you sound like you'll be a great mother.
Back to top

amother




Hunter
 

Post Sat, Sep 18 2021, 10:31 pm
join a parenting group such as Parenting from the Heart, or Nurtured Parenting, or something like that. The bond you develop starting in utero, is what sets the foundation.

Have you got a doula? or other birthing help planned? So you can have skin-to-skin immediately following birth.

Also, the way newborns are birthed in hospitals often means the cord is cut too soon. So if you can line up the right help, perhaps a midwife or other support person who can assist with these matters, your child will have a great head start. The birthing process is such a vital and often overlooked piece of healthy child development.
Back to top

amother




Azalea
 

Post Sat, Sep 18 2021, 10:39 pm
Pregnancy is not the right time to worry about the future when you are hormonal and anxious as is. Someone told us not to discuss the future plans with dh before the baby is born and years later in hindsight I see how true it is. Take one day at a time trying to be the best healthy happy human you can be. You will cross every bridge when you get there.
Back to top

amother




Sapphire
 

Post Sat, Sep 18 2021, 10:45 pm
I hate to be the negative one here but if you want your daughter to have a good life- protect her from your husband. He will treat her like he treats you.
My father is on the spectrum and my whole life was and is effected by him.
Back to top

amother




Stonewash
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 12:14 am
Beshaa tova.

First things first. We can do a lot for our kids, but a big part of parenthood is getting out of the way and letting our children grow into the people they were meant to be.

The best thing for your daughter is to have mentally healthy, happily married parents. Do whatever you can to foster that.

Next up is a community that respects and accepts you and your family. (Depending on where you live, that may or may not be the "frummer" community. Keep your eyes open about long term acceptance.) Given that you don't have family support from your side, you'll need to build up an alternative. It can be done, when you find the right place to live.

So - focus on what is good for you and your husband. That creates a supportive environment for a child.
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 12:30 am
If you are in Israel, there are a lot of "mixed" frum communities that have excellent schools. Consider making Aliyah in a couple of years, (if you aren't here already.) If you have to stay in the US, consider moving OOT, to a smaller community that is warmer and very close knit.

Is there anyone you look up to in your community, like a wise rebbetzin, or someone you think is doing a great job with their kids? Get to know them, make friends, and try to see if they can help give you some guidance.

I don't know where on the spectrum your DH is, but you definitely should see a marriage counselor, just to make sure that you are on the same page with parenting, if nothing else. The sooner you address it, the better, because it will take time and repetition for him to "get it".
Back to top

heidi




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 12:42 am
amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:
I hate to be the negative one here but if you want your daughter to have a good life- protect her from your husband. He will treat her like he treats you.
My father is on the spectrum and my whole life was and is effected by him.

I can't understand this.
OP what attracted you to DH in the first place? Why would you get engaged and then pregnant with a man like this?
Back to top

LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 1:18 am
amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:
I hate to be the negative one here but if you want your daughter to have a good life- protect her from your husband. He will treat her like he treats you.
My father is on the spectrum and my whole life was and is effected by him.


Wow. Stereotype much? You have no idea where OPs husband is. She said they struggle to see eye to eye and can sometimes say things that are hurtful.

That doesn’t mean he’s an abusive horrible person.
Back to top

amother




Oxfordblue
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 1:20 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I realize that wanting kids to have a better life than you is normal for parents, this is mostly an anxiety vent.
Full disclosure- my daughter isn't even born yet- IYH, she is due in early December. Ok, here goes:
I'm so freaked out about wanting my daughter to do better. I mean, I did ok, I guess. I have a job that I'm pretty good at, ( I think) I'm a preschool morah, and a husband I love but we have so many problems. My husband is on the autism spectrum and that causes a lot of tension between us over problems seeing eye-to-eye. He can say things that are really hurtful and not understand my reactions. I took a long time getting settled in my job so I don't have a ton of money or feel like my career is where it should be. (Long story short: I'm BT, went to secular college, excelled in athletics and was trying to go pro for awhile before I hit mid 20s and realized I couldn't sustain the lifestyle financially or with my health intact any longer.) I'm a bit frummer than my husband in some regards and we disagree about what community would be right to raise our daughter in. I had a rough childhood- parents had a nasty divorce, mother could be abusive, untreated mental health disorders that plague me to this day.
I want my daughter to do so much better than me. I want her to excel in school and be part of a tight knit frum community. I want her to have more friends and social support and familial support than I had, by leaps and bounds. I don't want her to make the same mistakes I made, whether wasting time on an untenable career or taking so long to come to the realization that following the ways of HaShem is what matters.
I feel like at this point in my life, all that I can do is try to ensure that my daughter has a better one, but I also feel too tired and beaten down to do this. Maybe this is just my post chag feeling- but I don;t think so.


Many of the things you say ring true to me.

I have one thing to say, it will be both hard liberating: you will have no control over the majority of things you wish for her. Most of these things will or will not happen regardless of your effort.

It will be hard enough just tp build a stable happy home for her, the way it is. Just a daily routine of functional stable family life may end up being hard. It might be a daily struggle. But if you master it, then you may hope she will make her own decisions wisely and end up where you want her to be.
Back to top

amother




Ballota
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 2:41 am
I have young children and am no expert. my personal opinion is the more you work on your own baggage the better parent you can be. Don't wait for your child to play out your fantasies for the ideal life regarding community, belonging, family life ect- live it yourself, she will eventually have her own ideas of what is right and wrong.
Pray a lot. Apologize when you were wrong. and take responsibility for your own triggers.
ALLL of this is down the road.
Until then, take care of your babies Mama, Have no expectations for the first year PP. It is a hard adjustment and you will need all the kindness you can give yourself.
Back to top

LovesHashem




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 5:04 am
Therapy and marriage counseling.

The best thing you can give your daughter is healthy and happy parents.

All of the money, friends, opportunities, cannot make up for growing up in a healthy and happy home, and getting your emotional, mental, and physical needs met.

OP it seems like you have given up on yourself living a happy life, and living a life you love. You seem to feel like you have accepted you must give up all your dreams and be unhappy forever.

If you honestly choose this path of letting all your dreams and wants die, and lose your motivation to change, learn, grow, try new things, and live - how do you expect your daughter to have or want any of those things?

Kids are the greatest copycats. They learn from YOUR behaviour.
Back to top
Recent Topics

Page 1 of 1 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Brighten up my life 4 Yesterday at 11:41 pm View last post
Getting life insurance when you’re 50
by amother
15 Fri, Oct 15 2021, 10:39 am View last post
Daughter friend mom has covid, and came to school
by amother
31 Tue, Oct 12 2021, 8:13 pm View last post
Anyone's daughter in Ateres Seminary now? I have a question
by amother
0 Sun, Oct 10 2021, 3:48 pm View last post
Losing friendships and social life because of vax status?
by amother
138 Thu, Oct 07 2021, 9:18 pm View last post