Home

My daughter said f*** you to my husband.
1, 2, 3, 4  Next  Last >>
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 12:56 am
What’s the correct punishment? My husband wants to ground her for 2 weeks. I said that way too harsh. Maybe take away her tablet and dock her from extra things like manicures. Any insight? Wisdom?
Back to top

amother




Topaz
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 1:10 am
I'll probably get flack for this, but I've worked in public schools and I've found that the most effective way to deal with language is to pretend it didn't happen. If the kid sees you remain unfazed, they won't have any reason to use it in the future.
Back to top

ellacoe




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 1:13 am
How old is she ?
Back to top

SuperWify




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 1:13 am
1. Why did she say it? Get to the bottom of it. It didn’t happen in a vacuum

2. I hope you ignored her and didn’t make a big deal out of it. She was looking for attention and by giving her negative attention for it you are giving her just what she wanted. Shower her with positive attention and pretend this never happened.

2 weeks grounding sounds like something from 50 years ago. Not ok at all.
Back to top

amother




Lightyellow
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 1:26 am
I remember when I was a teenager I called my sister a b*tch. I remember my mother sharply saying it was not a nice way to speak. No punishment. she didnt even tell my father. I've never used that word since.

Teens say things in the heat of the moment. I'm more curious about context. There were numerous times growing up I'd have loved to tell my dad the f word cuz he was very irritating and unreasonable to put it lightly
Back to top

amother




Slategray
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 2:00 am
I know this is not the point… but what prompted it?
The only times I’ve thought those words were extreme situations when someone was really hurting me. That’s why I ask.

When I was a kid my mom was teasing me and wouldn’t stop, she kept teasing me about this kid that was bullying me telling me that I’m secretly in love with him (I wasn’t, he was really bullying me) and I blurted out “I hate you!” when I couldn’t handle the internal blood pressure rising anymore. And I got into such big trouble. But looking back, my mom shouldn’t have teased me.
Back to top

SafeAtLast




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 2:02 am
And what did your husband do that she responded this way?
Back to top

amother




Phlox
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 4:17 am
Oy definitely no "grounding" or taking away stuff please. Just creates anger, resentment, and you'll have to keep up cycle cause trust me if you do that it will happen again. Ignore is best option.. if too late for that, just simply say (in your more serious and quiet voice) "not acceptable". And move on.
Back to top

amother




Candycane
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 5:26 am
How old is she? 12 and 17 is very different...
Back to top

amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 5:35 am
Please don't punish her.
Please do find out why she said it to him.
Please show her (and yourself) lots of unconditional love.
Back to top

notshanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 5:50 am
Imamother is not the place to come for your chinuch questions as no one knows the background and dynamics in your house.
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 5:50 am
amother [ Slategray ] wrote:
I know this is not the point… but what prompted it?


This is not beside the point, this is EXACTLY the point. Before you go straight to punishments, sit down with her when she's calm, and ask her where that emotion was coming from.

You'll have a lot better luck with her behavior if you listen to her and take her seriously, than if you just take away her iPad and not hear her out. If she feels like you really care about why she was upset, she'll be far more likely to want to talk it out in the future, instead of swearing.

May I humbly suggest that you and DH read "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic." It will get you on the same page, and when there is an issue in the family, all the involved parties will learn how to sit down together and brainstorm a solution, instead of just yelling and slamming doors.

This book SAVED my relationship with DD. I was losing her so fast, and the book turned things around completely in a matter of weeks. I won't say that we never had another disagreement, or that things never got heated, but we both had the tools to handle it in a healthy way, so that both of us felt heard.

I remember one time, I told DD that she had to be home by a certain hour, or she would be grounded. She came home an hour and a half late, and said "How long am I grounded for?" First of all, I asked her WHY she was late. She said she forgot about the time. I asked her "How long do YOU think you should be grounded for?" and she said "Two weeks." I told her that I thought that was pretty harsh.

"What about 3 days, but you can work off two of the days by helping me with extra chores - or you could just be grounded all 3 days and no chores. Your choice." She happily chose to be grounded one day and then to do chores for 2 days, without a peep of protest.

This way, she has input, and takes ownership of her behavior. She had advanced warning, she knew the consequences, I asked her "why", and we worked it out without any bad feelings. (If only everything in life could be that easy!)

The asking "why" part should ALWAYS come before any discussion of consequences. For all you know, there was a perfectly good reason for something that on the surface looks chutzpadik or careless. If you jump straight to punishment you'll lose a lot of respect from your child.
Back to top

ora_43




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 5:54 am
Depends on context. Is this the first time she's said something like that, or the fiftieth? Is speaking unkindly/disrespectfully generally an issue for her, or does it only happen mid-argument? Was this part of an argument in which both sides said unkind things, or was that her response to being asked to put her dirty dishes in the sink?

Is she 11, 15, 17...? Has she apologized?

I'm with you that taking away privileges is generally the better option. After all the message here ultimately isn't "watch what you say because we're the ones in control," it's more "treating people badly has consequences." People being less interested in going above and beyond for you and providing extra treats like manicures is a natural result of cursing them out.

I don't see any contradiction between unconditional love, and temporarily cutting privileges for bad behavior. Assuming this genuinely was bad behavior - the one caveat here is that if your dh was provoking her somehow - making her feel powerless, or threatened, or insulting her - and if she usually doesn't speak like that, I'd lean strongly toward letting her off with a serious conversation.
Back to top

tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 7:18 am
Ignore it. It's like when a toddler uses bathroom words. Later on you can have a private little conversation about why the outburst and what to do better next time.
Back to top

amother




Stoneblue
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 7:21 am
Your husband is her father?
Back to top

amother




Seablue
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 7:37 am
Has she expressed regret over it? I'd be more concerned over that than the word.
Back to top

thunderstorm




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 7:50 am
I would want to talk to her to see why she is feeling so angry. Something deep inside of her is bothering her and that is why she had this outburst.
I do think she should apologize for speaking this way. But have her do so once she is heard and her feelings are acknowledged.
Back to top

watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 8:03 am
amother [ Stoneblue ] wrote:
Your husband is her father?

I’m wondering the same. My answer will depend on if he is her step father or not.
Back to top

amother




Apple
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 8:05 am
amother [ Topaz ] wrote:
It the most effective way to deal with language is to pretend it didn't happen. .

This , this and this.
Back to top

amother




Apple
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 8:10 am
Before you punish her, you might want to take a few days to consider what you're hoping to accomplish

You night want to consider the ways in which you were punished as a child, and ask yourself if that improved your self esteem or sense of worth as a human being.

If you decide to punish your daughter, just do it mindfully knowing full well that you'll be losing a big chunk of connection with your daughter. Is it a loss you're willing to live with?
Back to top
1, 2, 3, 4  Next  Last >> Recent Topics

Page 1 of 4 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
My husband has covid! what remedies can I take
by amother
15 Today at 10:36 am View last post
Daughter friend mom has covid, and came to school
by amother
31 Tue, Oct 12 2021, 8:13 pm View last post
Anyone's daughter in Ateres Seminary now? I have a question
by amother
0 Sun, Oct 10 2021, 3:48 pm View last post
I'm a BT's daughter-AMA
by amother
7 Wed, Oct 06 2021, 7:26 pm View last post
Spin of from daughter didn't get s period yet
by amother
15 Tue, Oct 05 2021, 9:04 am View last post