Home

My daughter said f*** you to my husband.
Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next  Last >>
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




Stoneblue
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 8:12 am
Get some professional guidance if necessary
Do not let yourself get triangulated like you have to “choose sides”
Do not let this become a power struggle between them
Hugs and hatzlocha
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 8:21 am
The point of discipline is chinuch.

You know DD and her situation. What is the real issue?

Is she explosive? Impulsive? What's her relationship like with DH? What are her friends like?

What would you like her to learn?

Neither taking away a tablet, not grounding seem like they'll aid her future self control so much. Maybe there's a better way.

R Twersky, ztz"l, told a story (I hope I remember this right) about a time when he was a boy, and his father saw him playing chess with a friend on Shabbos, at a time usually reserved for learning. His father called him into his study, asked him if he had been playing a game. When the boy said yes, his father looked at him sternly and said "es passt nisht" (that wasn't the right way to act). He then put a hand on the boy's shoulder and asked, "so did you win?"

The message was clear. There are things we don't do. And everyone is more inclined to follow those rules when the ones enforcing and teaching them show love and compassion as they teach.
Back to top

amother




Beige
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 11:16 pm
There are two separate issues:
1. Extreme Profanity
2. Extreme Disrespect


Your dd chose her language deliberately, knowing quite well that it's about the most offensive thing she could possibly say to anyone. That she said it to her father, or her stepfather, kicks the offense into the stratosphere. I'm not going to advise you what to do, but you do need to separate the two issues. Especially if you choose to ignore the profanity as so many are advising you to do.
Back to top

amother




Bluebonnet
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 11:20 pm
My son who is really good did this at the Shabbos ppl with a crowd for no reason.
I did ask him to leave to calm down
We eventually found he has anxiety and perfection tendencies and that triggered it.
There is no quick fix. He still struggles. And he is an amazing kid.
Back to top

amother




Brass
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 11:21 pm
amother [ Beige ] wrote:
There are two separate issues:
1. Extreme Profanity
2. Extreme Disrespect


Your dd chose her language deliberately, knowing quite well that it's about the most offensive thing she could possibly say to anyone. That she said it to her father, or her stepfather, kicks the offense into the stratosphere. I'm not going to advise you what to do, but you do need to separate the two issues. Especially if you choose to ignore the profanity as so many are advising you to do.


It’s not considered such a big deal to talk that way anymore for the younger generation.
Back to top

#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 11:27 pm
I will be the voice of sanity.

Yes, DD should be punished.

A child must always express themselves respectfully to a parent. To everybody, but esp. a Parent.

I can't think of any scenario where this can be justified.

Not saying your DD is not justified to be angry with Father, but this is NOT the way
one handles it.

DD should be punished but also spoken to about how is the proper way to express
their upset with a parent.

Crucial Life Skill - Respectful Communication.
Back to top

#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 11:30 pm
imasinger wrote:
The point of discipline is chinuch.

You know DD and her situation. What is the real issue?

Is she explosive? Impulsive? What's her relationship like with DH? What are her friends like?

What would you like her to learn?

Neither taking away a tablet, not grounding seem like they'll aid her future self control so much. Maybe there's a better way.

R Twersky, ztz"l, told a story (I hope I remember this right) about a time when he was a boy, and his father saw him playing chess with a friend on Shabbos, at a time usually reserved for learning. His father called him into his study, asked him if he had been playing a game. When the boy said yes, his father looked at him sternly and said "es passt nisht" (that wasn't the right way to act). He then put a hand on the boy's shoulder and asked, "so did you win?"

The message was clear. There are things we don't do. And everyone is more inclined to follow those rules when the ones enforcing and teaching them show love and compassion as they teach.


In that story the boy may have done something inappropriate - but not

blatantly disrespectful and abusive.

What DD did was very, very, very, very, very, very. very WRONG.
Back to top

amother




Bluebonnet
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 11:38 pm
#BestBubby wrote:
I will be the voice of sanity.

Yes, DD should be punished.

A child must always express themselves respectfully to a parent. To everybody, but esp. a Parent.

I can't think of any scenario where this can be justified.

Not saying your DD is not justified to be angry with Father, but this is NOT the way
one handles it.

DD should be punished but also spoken to about how is the proper way to express
their upset with a parent.

Crucial Life Skill - Respectful Communication.


I still don’t think 2 weeks is appropriate.
More like a immediate cool down right after.
Back to top

#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 11:40 pm
I think two week grounding is appropriate.

Plus an Apology to Father and promise to never speak that way again.
Back to top

Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 11:47 pm
True you can ground her and take stuff away. Just know that you are starting an avalanche that will likely snowball past all of your control. If your daughter was this mad at her father to begin with, then imagine how she will feel those two weeks and after. How that anger will sizzle and boil inside of her. How many plots of revenge and escape she will think of, how as soon as she has the ability she will want to get the heck out. I mean, wouldn’t you? If home was a place where you can be put into solitary confinement for two weeks? Would you feel safe in such a home? Would it feel like home at all? And then if someone came along and offered you a place to be where no one would ever do that to you again wouldn’t you jump at the chance?
I’ve been in your daughters shoes. I know how it feels. And trust me, once you start, there is no way for you to predict or control the end.
Back to top

behappy2




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 12:03 am
I will be the first to ask. Does anyone in the house use this word? That would change things.
Back to top

amother




Garnet
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 12:11 am
#BestBubby wrote:
I think two week grounding is appropriate.

Plus an Apology to Father and promise to never speak that way again.


I'm sure she won't speak that way but will think alot worse inside her mind.

And she may never speak that way again, and maybe one day never speak to her parents again...
Back to top

small bean




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 12:18 am
amother [ Garnet ] wrote:
I'm sure she won't speak that way but will think alot worse inside her mind.

And she may never speak that way again, and maybe one day never speak to her parents again...


For being grounded?
Back to top

amother




Garnet
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 12:25 am
small bean wrote:
For being grounded?


No.. for being grounded for crying for help..

The daughter sounds troubled. Starting off with 2 weeks being grounded for a misdemeanor is only going to lead to bigger punishments, not a communicative relationship.

(Not saying it should be ignored. It should be acknowledged that it's not okay without too much emotional intensity and then further discussion should be opened up at a different time about how to prevent this from happening again)
Back to top

small bean




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 12:35 am
FU is not a cry for help. Its a statement of frustration.

I personally wouldnt ground. Id either ignore or say, we dont express oursleves that way and leave it. I also dont thimk grounding will harm as long as along with the consequence, your love for the child comes thru.
Back to top

zaq




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 12:42 am
amother brass, I'm not buying your excuse. Not even in secular society. The word is used for its shock value. Show me one teen from a frum family who doesn't know that this is a completely unacceptable word. A three year old, maybe. Not a teen.
Back to top

amother




Seablue
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 1:34 am
zaq wrote:
amother brass, I'm not buying your excuse. Not even in secular society. The word is used for its shock value. Show me one teen from a frum family who doesn't know that this is a completely unacceptable word. A three year old, maybe. Not a teen.


Some teens have never heard of the word btw, just saying. My 29 year old sister asked me what it meant when a non Jew used it on the phone to her.
Back to top

#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 2:42 am
amother [ Garnet ] wrote:
I'm sure she won't speak that way but will think alot worse inside her mind.

And she may never speak that way again, and maybe one day never speak to her parents again...


So everyone is afraid to parent out of fear child will cut them off or go OTD.

But permissiveness can also cause the same outcomes.
Back to top

tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 4:02 am
Teens are too old to be grounded. They are too old for most punishments. At least mine are. Try to ground a teen, you're setting yourself up for a not pleasant cycle of misbehaviors, more punishing, and feelings of resentment and revenge.
Really not smart to deal with teens this way. Especially for something as silly as an inappropriate word. Try not to get stuck on small details in order to move everyone forward to bigger and better things. You'll win both the battle and the war, long term.
Back to top

amother




Bronze
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 4:19 am
I have used it with my husband when my buttons have been pushed so much that I can't take it anymore. My guess is his that's what happened with your daughter and she just couldn't hold it in any more. This is after I've tried to have a rational conversation a long time. No it does not happen lot and we do not need divorce. Just sometimes things get heated and it gets out of control. I said let it go but find out what happened that she got so upset. I guess if there's a much bigger issue that needs to be taken care of. And she probably isn't the one that needs to punishment is my guess.
Back to top
Previous  1, 2, 3, 4  Next  Last >> Recent Topics

Page 2 of 4 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Daughter speaks with chutzpa
by amother
10 Wed, Dec 01 2021, 9:28 pm View last post
Should I take my daughter to the doctor?
by amother
17 Tue, Nov 30 2021, 7:41 pm View last post
Lakewood 10th grader daughter out of school. 13 Mon, Nov 29 2021, 1:21 pm View last post
Husband has hearing difficulties
by amother
8 Sun, Nov 28 2021, 2:46 pm View last post
Daughter had laser on hemangioma and it made it worse
by amother
2 Sat, Nov 27 2021, 10:33 pm View last post
by r1