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My daughter said f*** you to my husband.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 7:51 am
amother [ Bronze ] wrote:
I have used it with my husband when my buttons have been pushed so much that I can't take it anymore. My guess is his that's what happened with your daughter and she just couldn't hold it in any more. This is after I've tried to have a rational conversation a long time. No it does not happen lot and we do not need divorce. Just sometimes things get heated and it gets out of control. I said let it go but find out what happened that she got so upset. I guess if there's a much bigger issue that needs to be taken care of. And she probably isn't the one that needs to punishment is my guess.


There you have it.

PUNISH THE PARENT if child says
"F&%# YOU!"

For upsetting the poor victim child.

עולם הפוך upside down world!
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Chickensoupprof




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 7:56 am
#BestBubby wrote:
There you have it.

PUNISH THE PARENT if child says
"F&%# YOU!"

For upsetting the poor victim child.

עולם הפוך upside down world!


Yeah, you know what let the kid get waterboarded and locked in a basement in Belgium with a guy named Dutroux that is good chinuch right Bestbubby?
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 8:09 am
Chickensoupprof wrote:
Yeah, you know what let the kid get waterboarded and locked in a basement in Belgium with a guy named Dutroux that is good chinuch right Bestbubby?


So grounding = waterboarding (torture)?

Every child-worshipping post is more ridiculous then the next.
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imaima




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 8:25 am
Where is OP?
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 8:36 am
#BestBubby wrote:
So grounding = waterboarding (torture)?

Every child-worshipping post is more ridiculous then the next.

It is not child worship to see the big picture.
Anyone can slap a punishment. Dictators do that best.
A parent needs to be smart, foresee reactions and consequences, and work to bring out the best in the child. Punishments generally bring out the worst, especially extreme age-INappropriate ones.

How do we get from A->Z with a child in the smartest most loving way?
Getting stuck at B will never get you there.
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amother




RosePink
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 8:47 am
Zehava wrote:
True you can ground her and take stuff away. Just know that you are starting an avalanche that will likely snowball past all of your control. If your daughter was this mad at her father to begin with, then imagine how she will feel those two weeks and after. How that anger will sizzle and boil inside of her. How many plots of revenge and escape she will think of, how as soon as she has the ability she will want to get the heck out. I mean, wouldn’t you? If home was a place where you can be put into solitary confinement for two weeks? Would you feel safe in such a home? Would it feel like home at all? And then if someone came along and offered you a place to be where no one would ever do that to you again wouldn’t you jump at the chance?
I’ve been in your daughters shoes. I know how it feels. And trust me, once you start, there is no way for you to predict or control the end.

This
I’ve been there too
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amother




Garnet
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 9:00 am
#BestBubby wrote:
So everyone is afraid to parent out of fear child will cut them off or go OTD.

But permissiveness can also cause the same outcomes.


So in your world parenting = punishing?

Parenting involves a lot more than just punishing your child. The goal is the end result. Having a loving respectful relationship with your child. You've got to think how this can best be achieved. Going into war against your child is not likely to get the result. You may win the war, but not the relationship.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 9:00 am
amother [ RosePink ] wrote:
This
I’ve been there too


And I have never been there.

Maybe because no disrespect - calling
mommy crazy - was allowed at age 4.
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thunderstorm




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 9:06 am
#BestBubby wrote:
And I have never been there.

Maybe because no disrespect - calling
mommy crazy - was allowed at age 4.


I saw with my own eyes what happened to the child who was disciplined harshly each time they had an outburst and even were extremely chutzpadik. The punishments got harsher and harsher until the day the child yelled “F-U” at his parent. Of course the parent reacted harshly . How dare his child have such extreme chutzpah toward him. That was the last time the child ever ate at home on a Shabbos again. The child was only 9 and a half. He cut off from his father before his Bar Mitzvah.
There were no adults encouraging him to do that either. This all came from a place of extreme pain from mistreatment by his parent. So since the parent kept punishing and grounding instead of the parent getting to the root of the child’s pain (which was the parent himself) , he ended up pushing away his child completely.
This child is 45 yrs old. He can’t look at his father who cries to the world that his son was and is such a terrible son.
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 9:16 am
#BestBubby wrote:
And I have never been there.

Maybe because no disrespect - calling
mommy crazy - was allowed at age 4.


Or maybe, because you yourself admitted that you have very easy-going children.
I have a very intense, willful 4 year old.
The other day I say "just 1 lolly". He erupted and called me a stupid-head.
I could have done your method. Sternly get in his face "no name calling". He would have spit at me. Then I respond to that and he kicks.
It's called "fight". It's a nervous response when a person feels threatened.

Instead, I ignored the name calling and focused on the child. Talked about how red the list is. Let's read a book and find red like the lolly. Lower the tension.

Then later on, we talk about name calling and how it's hurtful.
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 9:18 am
#BestBubby wrote:
And I have never been there.

Maybe because no disrespect - calling
mommy crazy - was allowed at age 4.

These days children scoff at rules and punishments. Everything has to be done with seichel.
Punishments cause the child to lose respect for the parent. The more you punish, the more the child holds you in contempt. Because children see through power attempts and are happy to grab some power of their own. As long as the ego of the parent is involved in the discipline, the child will sense it and respond with his own ego.
Children see very clearly when a rule is to their own benefit or for the adult's. And they respond accordingly.
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Laiya




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 9:22 am
When a teenager does something wrong, the chinuch goal would be for the dc to take responsibility. Punishment does the opposite, it causes kids to blame and resent the parent.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 9:31 am
thunderstorm wrote:
I saw with my own eyes what happened to the child who was disciplined harshly each time they had an outburst and even were extremely chutzpadik. The punishments got harsher and harsher until the day the child yelled “F-U” at his parent. Of course the parent reacted harshly . How dare his child have such extreme chutzpah toward him. That was the last time the child ever ate at home on a Shabbos again. The child was only 9 and a half. He cut off from his father before his Bar Mitzvah.
There were no adults encouraging him to do that either. This all came from a place of extreme pain from mistreatment by his parent. So since the parent kept punishing and grounding instead of the parent getting to the root of the child’s pain (which was the parent himself) , he ended up pushing away his child completely.
This child is 45 yrs old. He can’t look at his father who cries to the world that his son was and is such a terrible son.


And I have seen with my own eyes what happens when parents tolerate disrespect and abuse. It escalates!

Im only 2 years on this site and have seen post after post of parents crying about teens calling parents crazy, saying F*** you and even HItting parents.

And virtually all these parents did the gentle parenting method...
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 9:33 am
Laiya wrote:
When a teenager does something wrong, the chinuch goal would be for the dc to take responsibility. Punishment does the opposite, it causes kids to blame and resent the parent.


How would you get child to
"take responsibility"?
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 9:44 am
#BestBubby wrote:
And I have seen with my own eyes what happens when parents tolerate disrespect and abuse. It escalates!

Im only 2 years on this site and have seen post after post of parents crying about teens calling parents crazy, saying F*** you and even HItting parents.

And virtually all these parents did the gentle parenting method...

You are overgeneralizing from a few glimpses you see here and there. You don't know the whole story behind every OP and you definitely aren't hearing the success stories.
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Chickensoupprof




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 9:47 am
Bestbubby can you stick to the topic now you again turned the whole topic about you again. Maybe you need to start your own website or something or run for Congress or storm again the capitol
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amother




Honey
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 9:50 am
#BestBubby wrote:
And I have seen with my own eyes what happens when parents tolerate disrespect and abuse. It escalates!

Im only 2 years on this site and have seen post after post of parents crying about teens calling parents crazy, saying F*** you and even HItting parents.

And virtually all these parents did the gentle parenting method...

My parents used harsh discipline for any chutzpah, including belting, hitting, taking away meals, and more. It only stopped when my brothers became teenagers and started threatening to hit my dad back. All 3 of my brothers are not frum and left home as soon as they were old enough. It’s not simple.
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Laiya




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 10:07 am
#BestBubby wrote:
How would you get child to
"take responsibility"?


I think the answer to that depends on several different factors, including the circumstances that caused the outburst, the temperament of the child, and parent's overall relationship with the child.
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amother




Raspberry
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 10:15 am
And in my family seven out of eleven children went off the derech because of harsh punishments like grounding, potching, and so much yelling and strictness.
Chutzpah was never allowed. Parents were considered ultimate perfection and never wrong.
I "respect" my parents so much the only thing I tell them is hi and bye. Never chutzpah, ever. Or anything else.
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amother




Candycane
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 10:28 am
There is a balance, but start with these 2 things
1. Not laughing at all the "cute" things your kids do which aren't cute at all. I've seen many, many parents (especially young ones) laugh at the "naughty" things their kids' say and do which are stepping stones to chutzpah and a lot of other unpleasant behaviors.

2. Modelling good language and respect. We don't use any bad/insulting/unclassy language at home (not even shutup) and our kids don't either. We also don't watch secular movies. It only makes sense that kids repeat what they see from an early age. We speak to our kids respectfully and B"H they speak respectfully to us - they and us obviously aren't perfect but in general we just say "please speak nicely" or something like that.
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