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My daughter said f*** you to my husband.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 10:34 am
Laiya wrote:
I think the answer to that depends on several different factors, including the circumstances that caused the outburst, the temperament of the child, and parent's overall relationship with the child.


nice way to avoid answering how you would get child take responsibility.

Want to try again? Give one example.
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 10:50 am
tp3 wrote:
These days children scoff at rules and punishments. Everything has to be done with seichel.
Punishments cause the child to lose respect for the parent. The more you punish, the more the child holds you in contempt. Because children see through power attempts and are happy to grab some power of their own. As long as the ego of the parent is involved in the discipline, the child will sense it and respond with his own ego.
Children see very clearly when a rule is to their own benefit or for the adult's. And they respond accordingly.


It is true that when parents punish for disrespect it looks self-serving.

That is why the OTHER parent (OP) should punish and defend her DH and DH should punish and defend disrespect towards the Mother.

I wrote this on other thread " I want to die or leave" re: mother who was disrespected for not cooking supper when she was working so hard to prepare for Yom Tov.

Said FATHER has to talk to kids how hard Mother is working to prepare for Yom Tov so no complaining if supper is noodle soup. AND every kid should write Thank You Card for Mother expressing Aporeciation for her hard work.


Last edited by #BestBubby on Mon, Sep 20 2021, 11:11 am; edited 1 time in total
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tp3




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 10:55 am
#BestBubby wrote:
It is true that when parents punish for disrespect it looks self-serving.

That is why the OTHER parent (OP) should punish and defend her DH and DH should punish and defend disrespect towards the Mother.

I wrote this on other thread " I want to die or leave" re: mother who was disrespected for not cooking supper when she was working so hard to oreoare for Yom Tov.

Said FATHER has to talk to kids how hard Mother is working to prepare for Yom Tov so no complaining if supper is noodle soup. AND every kid should write Thank You Card for Mother expressing Aporeciation for her hard work.

Honestly that doesn't work. It just makes the child feel that both parents are against him. Which is the entire world, to a child. Imagine the feelings of a child thinking that the entire world is against him. Not pretty.
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amother




Denim
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 10:58 am
#BestBubby wrote:
How would you get child to
"take responsibility"?

Chanech Banav Al Pi DarKo

Wouldn’t that differ based on the individual child, their personality, proclivity and personality history/experiences?

How in the world can you expect an answer without the person knowing the child. Different strategies work for different children, even twins who grow up in the same home.
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Laiya




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 11:17 am
#BestBubby wrote:
nice way to avoid answering how you would get child take responsibility.

Want to try again? Give one example.


What amother Denim said.
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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 12:03 pm
Op here. I spoke with my husband and he agreed he punished out of anger and it was wrong way to go about it. He spoke with someone and explained why and I think my husband gets it. We sat our daughter down and explained why we have to respect everyone regardless if we agree or not. We can respectfully disagree but we cannot lash out. Our daughter was very upset because we didn’t let her go out to pizza with her friends until she finished something. She thought she can run out and get out of doing the thing we asked. We are focusing on positive actions. And we told her we will have her earn an incredible winter vacation. Told her the plan and she’s very excited. But she knows if she acts this way we won’t be able to go we have to see positive actions all around. It will definitely be hard for her in the beginning but I’m sure she’ll come around. As a side thing my husband was brought up in an authoritarian way and he’s learning there are many other very healthy ways to raise a child and authoritarian way is NOT it.
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amother




Denim
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 12:43 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Op here. I spoke with my husband and he agreed he punished out of anger and it was wrong way to go about it. He spoke with someone and explained why and I think my husband gets it. We sat our daughter down and explained why we have to respect everyone regardless if we agree or not. We can respectfully disagree but we cannot lash out. Our daughter was very upset because we didn’t let her go out to pizza with her friends until she finished something. She thought she can run out and get out of doing the thing we asked. We are focusing on positive actions. And we told her we will have her earn an incredible winter vacation. Told her the plan and she’s very excited. But she knows if she acts this way we won’t be able to go we have to see positive actions all around. It will definitely be hard for her in the beginning but I’m sure she’ll come around. As a side thing my husband was brought up in an authoritarian way and he’s learning there are many other very healthy ways to raise a child and authoritarian way is NOT it.

Sounds amazing.
As a very old and somewhat experienced parent 🤪, I just want to give you a heads up. I have one child with whom that would work beautifully. I have another child (same gender and very close in age) where if I said that, she would ultimately end up fighting with me if she was unsuccessful, that she did enough, that I am being mean, overly critical and that she deserves to have the prize. If I were to tell her that you only get to go for pizza after your room is clean-she will argue that it is clean enough and was so messy before and that she is hungry now or friends are going now and will finish when she gets back. If you need to do well on a test to go ice skating, she will say the test was too hard and everyone else did worse. You need to speak nicely-she will insist she did. I find that with her, laying out the prize is not setting a goal for her, but rather makes her think that she is getting something and if it doesn’t come to fruition she is just upset and disappointed (and angry). She does better with positive reinforcement rather that threats and promises, and surprise-stating it is because you did something so well amd we are proud of you, instead of keeping an eye on the prize. As I said above, every child is different. You know your own and what makes her tick. This may be perfect for you/her. Wishing you much hatzlacha. The teenager years are not easy ones, but may 5782 be an easy one for you, your husband and your daughter.
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amother




Hawthorn
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 2:00 pm
I don't think positive external motivation is much different than negative external motivation. Both give the same message: behave because I said and I'm in charge know what's good for you.

This kid needs acceptance with her flaws, connection, conversation, understanding, education of a better way and why that's better. Then SHE has to internalize that and reap the natural rewards of being a person that can feel/ride waves of pain without acting out. This relationship doesn't happen overnight. You have to cultivate it over time.

I'll name her shira, lol.
Parent: F you? Wow, shira. That's a lot of anger there. ( PAUSE. Look intently and concerned, but not angry back.)
Shira: why can't I go with my friends? I want to go out. I don't want to clean up!"
Parent: I hear you. You are really angry because your friends are there already and you don't want to have to clean up first. Is that right?
Shira: yes! I'm totally going to miss it! It's not fair!
Parent: I bet you feel like I dont get how important this is for you.
Shira: rolls eyes. Yeah. Duh.
Parent: I'm trying to understand now. I know its hard to be this angry and not act disrespectful. Im listening now and trying to understand. I love you. Please try to explain it again in a more respectful way.
Shira: (tears in eyes). Maybe you forgot what it's like in high school. My friends are so important to me. If I don't go I won't be part of the group. I can't handle it.
Parent: that's really upsetting. You're right. It's been a long time since I was in high school. But I do remember one time when... that was a similar scenario to what your going through. I see how sad this is for you. You must feel really powerless that I'm trying to make you do something else first.
Shira: ok I don't want to talk anymore. I just want to go!
Parent: were almost done Shira. Shira I love you very much. I understand how angry and sad you are. This is a really big deal for you. I also get that sad and angry sometimes. It's one thing to feel it, it's another thing to use that emotion to lash out at people. Do you understand the difference?
Shira: (looks embaressed) I just got so angry I couldn't control myself.
Parent: I know. Everyone loses it sometimes, even me. We still need to take responsibility and it happens. Over time, it will get easier. I can help you learn more ways to process your anger and sadness that doesn't include yelling and cursing people out.
Shira: I'm sorry. (Starts crying). It's so hard.
Parent: I know. I forgive you. I love you even when you lose control. I know you love me too. I know your feelings were so big you didn't know what to do. Thank you for apologizing.
Shira: thanks. (Looks calmer)
Parent: so now we have an issue. You have a need to meet your friends and I have a need for you to clean your room. What solution can you come up with that will respect both of our needs?
Shira: how about I clean for 5 min and promise that right when I get back from the pizza store I'll finish all of it?
Parent: ok. I trust you. I'm setting a timer now, go!
Shira: thank you so much!!

Few days later:
Parent: hey shira?
Shira: yeah?
Parent: remember when we were talking about thr difference between feeling and emotion and acting out inappropriately from the emotion?
Shira: yeah
Parent: did you get what I meant? Anger and sadness are not bad feelings. Cursing someone out and hitting people are unproductive and disrespectful behavior. But it's possible go feel extremely sad and angry and do different behaviors. Do you have ideas of what would work for you?
Shira: I guess writing?
Parent: that's excellent. Do you think you could do that in a moment of anger?
Shria: no. Then I'd be way too angry to start writing.
Parenr: yeah I prob couldn't do that either. My first move is usually leaving the room and taking some deep breaths to ground myself. Can we try that this week? I'd like to try it with you, cuz I get angry sometimes also.
Shira: ok.
Parent: cool. Let's talk again in a few days and see how it goes.

Treat kids with respect and love and reasonable flexible expectations, a d they give it back. Treat kids with controlling distrustful angry parenting, a d that's what they will give back.
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ValleyMom




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 2:32 pm
You can't IGNORE the fact that she was rude.
How is that helpful?
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ValleyMom




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 2:35 pm
There seems to be a , of of positive input in this thread- find the ones that resonate with you. Teenage years are challenging and ignoring uncomfortable situations do not make for a good living environment.
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