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Help me- son misbehaves w cousins and friends

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 12:00 pm
Hi,
I have a 5 year old son and a 3 year old son. Both play nicely with each other and don't make much trouble overall bH.
The problem is when we go to my parents for yom tov and there are cousins close to his age (a little younger). He makes a lot of trouble with them. For example, he will say "bad words" on and off for most of the day or he will tell his younger brother or cousins to say bad words or made trouble. For example, he will tell grown ups they are stinky, get in cahoots w his cousin to spill a lot of water on the floor etc. Most of the things he does are not terrible objectively- they are borderline trouble. Like he isn't hitting other kids etc but he is saying things he knows he shouldn't be saying, making messes, telling other kids not to listen to their parents etc.
Also, when friends come over to our house, he is like this sometimes too. I wonder if he is insecure with his place among friends or trying to be the ringleader, or bored....
An interesting point is that when we go to my in-laws where there are kids a little older than him who are not interested in this type of thing, he doesn't do it. Or he will try once or twice and the older kid will say, that's not nice or just not go along with him so he will drop it.
I'm at the end of my rope. It makes me uptight the whole yt that he is doing this. Although I do my best not to show it. In the past, we would threaten to take away some of his shabbos party, which we did. My husband thinks we have to warn him before we get there and then impose a more severe punishment- like no warning and first time it happens (if it isn't an honest slipup) no shabbos party that day at all...

Can I get your thoughts and input???

Tysm!!
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amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 12:03 pm
One of my brothers kids makes my kids extremely wild and out of control. I stopped going for yom tov when they're also there. It's too hard for me. My kids are out of control all yom tov.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 12:36 pm
Thanks! The other kids he does it with are no angels either so that's probably part of the issue. Validating to hear that others also have this problem so thanks for responding!

I'll wait and see if anyone else has any other ideas
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causemommysaid




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 12:48 pm
I think it's a stage. He will grow out of it. When lots of kids get together and everyone is off schedule they act up.

Don't take away shabbos party. Give him a 5 minute time out.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 12:48 pm
Here are a few possible ideas.

- Talk to him in advance about setting a good example, what that means, why it might be hard in this situation, what steps he can take.

- spend some time playing with all the kids, let him see you're catching his positive actions.

- offer a reward for using appropriate language and encouraging the other kids to do so

- help him plan games or activities together that aren't as likely to cause problems.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 1:39 pm
Thanks cause mommy said- I do agree that it's a stage, but in the moment- argghh.... I hear you about the time out, but I find time outs confusing- some say to do them and some say not to, so I haven't gotten it straight.

Imasinger- those are some great and practical ideas. I'm going to try to do some of those. In terms of rewarding for positive language, I assume it would be a small reward for a reasonable amount of time with good language as opposed to the whole day which I think would be too much for him...?

I love these ideas and the focus on trying to be proactive rather than reactive!
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 3:15 pm
Bumping to see if anyone else has any ideas/ input

Thanks so much to those who replied already!
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 3:33 pm
amother [OP] wrote:
I assume it would be a small reward for a reasonable amount of time with good language as opposed to the whole day which I think would be too much for him...?


Exactly. You know your kid.

You want to hit that sweet spot -- enough work that he demonstrated growth, but not more than he's capable of.
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