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My boys are such sissies
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amother




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Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 9:31 pm
sub wrote:
To all imas- please try to frame things with positivity. Please give advice or encouragement. And if you disagree or feel strongly- use nice language to state your point.
On this and other threads.


Agreed. Some of the comments here are embarrassing. There's a nice way to speak to people. If you want to give advice or your opinion, be kind! If an OP is reaching out for advice and opinions, be mentchlich about it.
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amother




OP
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 9:44 pm
I don’t think he is being bullied. He does well socially in school. He is in a warm small school and has great friends. He is even friendly with a Couple older boys in school. There’s one big boy in his class (he’s one of the smaller ones) who twice hurt him and he handled it very well and is actually friends with this kid. (We spoke to the rebbi and principal and changes were made and things were addressed. The anxiety started before this, I think before school even started.)

He’s an oldest child which I think also contributes to the issue.

I have asked him many times in all sorts of open, caring, accepting and non judge mental ways if anything happened in terms of bullies etc and never ever had he said anything like that to me, so I’m not sure where to go from there.

I will look into Pandas, and I will be looking into therapy and social skills group.

The rest of the park outing went like this: they sat and ate. Then 7 yo asked if he can go play, and I said sure! Great idea! He went to play, his brother followed, they climbed and jumped and had fun. I guess they needed to warm up, I guess my older son’s personality needed that warm up time and my other son followed his cues. They had fun and I just followed their lead.

Post was written as I say next to them as they ate and started at the kids next to us who were having a blast. I felt awful that my kids couldn’t let loose. I wanted them to be able to have a good time. Don’t tell me they’re happy on the sidelines. I’m sure most kids wish they had what it takes to be in the midst of the fun. I was that sad kid on the sidelines who pretended I was too cool to have fun.

I want my children to be able to have fun, to know how to have fun, if that’s what they want to do. At least let them have the option.
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amother




Bisque
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 10:58 pm
I understand your concern for your boys, but some kids really ARE fine taking time to warm up. Please don't project your experience and your ideas of normal onto your kids. Especially for the older one, that will just increase his anxiety.

Those children who take time to check out a situation before jumping in often grow up to be very observant, successful adults. Not everyone needs to be at the center of the action. What everyone does need is to be loved as they are.
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amother




Pewter
 

Post Sun, Sep 19 2021, 11:02 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I don’t think he is being bullied. He does well socially in school. He is in a warm small school and has great friends. He is even friendly with a Couple older boys in school. There’s one big boy in his class (he’s one of the smaller ones) who twice hurt him and he handled it very well and is actually friends with this kid. (We spoke to the rebbi and principal and changes were made and things were addressed. The anxiety started before this, I think before school even started.)

He’s an oldest child which I think also contributes to the issue.

I have asked him many times in all sorts of open, caring, accepting and non judge mental ways if anything happened in terms of bullies etc and never ever had he said anything like that to me, so I’m not sure where to go from there.

I will look into Pandas, and I will be looking into therapy and social skills group.

The rest of the park outing went like this: they sat and ate. Then 7 yo asked if he can go play, and I said sure! Great idea! He went to play, his brother followed, they climbed and jumped and had fun. I guess they needed to warm up, I guess my older son’s personality needed that warm up time and my other son followed his cues. They had fun and I just followed their lead.

Post was written as I say next to them as they ate and started at the kids next to us who were having a blast. I felt awful that my kids couldn’t let loose. I wanted them to be able to have a good time. Don’t tell me they’re happy on the sidelines. I’m sure most kids wish they had what it takes to be in the midst of the fun. I was that sad kid on the sidelines who pretended I was too cool to have fun.

I want my children to be able to have fun, to know how to have fun, if that’s what they want to do. At least let them have the option.


Maybe they thought you wanted them to sit? Because your son said can I go play, so why would he ask permission to play while in a park? Did you just sit down and stare at them? Did you communicate and say look at this fun park, what would you like to do first? I feel like maybe there is a communication problem here? We can't just assume kids know exactly what to do in every situation. We have to be very clear about how things work and what they can and should do.
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amother




Puce
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 5:13 am
Just throwing this out there since a bunch of other things have been. Any chance that your son (and potentially you and either of your parents) are on the autism spectrum? I ask because SIL noticed her daughter not joining other children amongst other subtle things, and had her evaluated and it turned out she had autism. Before the eval everyone thought sil was nuts because niece was very natural around family. Anyway, niece started therapies at around 3 and it really really helped her with social anxieties. 4 years later she's doing so much better. Turns out bil also had autism, which is where niece got it from, he was just never really diagnosed. (He may actually have been as a kid, we're not totally sure, because his mother didn't think any of this was relevant to mention. His mother is probably on the spectrum too.)

Anyway thought it was worth mentioning because some people go their whole lives without knowing this because they otherwise seem neurotypical, and anxiety is common amongst people with ASD so just thought you might want to rule that out.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 6:38 am
I just want to offer some applause OP.

You yourself had a horrible childhood, and you're doing your best to make sure that your children grow up loved, secure, and happy. And in the end, they had a great time at the park. Kol hakavod!

Three thoughts of advice do come to mind, now that more of your story has come to light.

1. When I take shy kids to the park, especially an unfamiliar one, I don't usually spend much bench time. I usually ask the minute we arrive which equipment interests them, then we go over together. I'll often initiate the play. "Oh, this is cool! I bet I could climb up the first 2 rungs of the ladder, can you?" (Or whatever). Before you know it, they're showing off, and I can applaud.
It helps any kids if the caring adult is fully engaged with them.

2. Tips like this can come from parenting classes. Any parent who had a lousy childhood, or who has a kid with any concerns, can especially benefit from classes like these. The people who take such classes are often great parents looking to get even better, and there's friendship, support, and good ideas. It's very well worth the time and money.

3. Those who suffered the kind of childhood you describe should keep careful tabs on themselves, and have a list of options for when the past trauma hits, or when present circumstances bring up echoes. Often, a little refresher therapy can help a lot. The thought of, "oh, I had therapy, I'm done, even if I'm not feeling great" is not coming from the helpful side of the brain.

Give those kids a YT kiss, and reread the first part of what I wrote. You deserve that kind of love and support, too; I'm sorry you don't get it from your own parents.
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imaima




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 7:02 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks. This is a great reframe for me!


How often do you go to the park and from what age have ypu started?

Some mothers don‘t want to put their babies on the ground for the fear of ruining their outfits and then wonder why their kids are scared of playgrounds.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Sep 20 2021, 10:52 am
I've notice that there are 3 kinds of moms at the park:

1. The mom glued to her phone, or on Shabbos, schmoozing with all her friends.

2. The mom who is very involved at the equipment, but hovers constantly and says "Be careful! Don't fall!" (I've seen this more times that I'd ever like. I wish they'd just sit and relax.)

3. Then there are the moms involved with the equipment, who say "You can do it! You're doing great! Wow, look at you go!" or even "That's OK, we can try it next time. Let's do something else."

I'm not saying what type of mother you are, or even how often you are which kind. I have no idea.

I do think that your kids are still little, and having you get involved and be their cheerleader any time they want to try something new on the playground would be a great idea for now. Build up their confidence, and then you can sit back and watch them enjoy.
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