Do you believe in hitting children?

clowny

Fri, Sep 24 2021, 1:29 pm

amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:

Hitting no. Bullying maybe.

What I'm saying is that potching should be reserved for only extreme situation. A child hitting his sister is not an extreme situation. A five year old pushing his sister into an oven is.
Thankfully I've never experienced that, so my only experience with potching any of my kids has been with a precocious 4 year old who ruined my new sheitel because "I wanted to see what would happen."

But why wait for the extreme situation to happen? In order to avoid that you gotta start when it’s not so extreme. Especially, that when it’s extreme, a human being tends to get angry, like in your sheitel story. And as I mentioned above- never ever hit a child when you’re angry.

Had you maybe hit your child when she did something not so extreme, chances are she wouldn’t have reached the extreme of cutting your sheitel.

And when it’s hitting a sister is one thing and when it’s a neighbor, classmates etc it’s another thing. Because it’s very annoying and unfair to the mother of the child that’s being hit.

Last edited by clowny on Fri, Sep 24 2021, 1:34 pm; edited 1 time in total

keym

Fri, Sep 24 2021, 1:36 pm

For all of those who are pro-hitting your kids, seriously.
Does it work? Honestly?
Because I used to porch (it's what I knew). And the child would do it again. Defiantly. Or hit me back. So I'd hit again.
And then I realized that one firm smack is not going to "just make them stop". Angry or not. It just escalates the situation.
So I learned and read and developed shitos that worked.
Of course it's not magic.
But neither was potching magic.

Mommyg8

Fri, Sep 24 2021, 1:40 pm

keym wrote:

It can work for some things, if done correctly. (Obviously if the child is hitting back it's not working).

But if you don't believe in potching it doesnt matter if it works or not.

Mommyg8

Fri, Sep 24 2021, 1:44 pm

clowny wrote:

There was a thread about this a while ago.

Firstly, what do you mean by hitting? Slapping a child with anger across his/her face? No! Never is that accepted. Hitting should never ever cause any pain for a child. Most kids, when properly disciplined will get insulted when getting a little potch on their hand. It’s not the pain that’s supposed to accomplish something. It’s the idea that they just got a potch. And imo, a 2 year old is not too young to get a little potch to teach him something. Chinuch starts at a young age.

If you look around and observe, it’s extremely obvious which mother has the attitude of- he’s too young to understand not to do so and so. A 2 year old is not too young to understand not to pull his siblings hair or not too bite. It’s usually the mom who would rather not spend her time now teaching him- because she doesn’t believe in hitting a child.

When a mother does feel that her child did something wrong and feels that he/she deserve a teaching now. She has to be very calm before giving him/her a potch. Never ever hit a child when you are angry!! You take the child and very calmly explain to him/her that what he/she just did was wrong. You hold unto the child and give a very slight potch on her hand. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it. It’s not abuse. And you are not teaching a child this way that hitting is allowed by children.

I love this! I agree with every word.

In this particular situation you can even do better - every time he hits the baby you can hold his hand down. Gently. Just hold it down and say, no, we don't hit. Do this every time, and the message will sink in. They hate it. The lesson will be learned without "real" punishment.

ETA: IRL I see it often that parents think their children are too young to be disciplined. I see it with three year olds,, five year olds, etc etc. I'm always wondering when is this magic moment that they will be old enough?

Last edited by Mommyg8 on Fri, Sep 24 2021, 1:50 pm; edited 1 time in total

Zehava

Fri, Sep 24 2021, 1:47 pm

clowny wrote:

Just start hitting your kids when they’re newborns then, to prevent any sort of misbehavior that may arise

bigsis144

Fri, Sep 24 2021, 2:31 pm

No.

I admit my kids aren’t typical, but their intensity made this very black and white for me.

How could I say it’s okay for me to hit them, but not for them to hit each other (or me)?

I used to hit them because they were very difficult and I was at the end of my rope. A part of me still believes that my kids wouldn’t be so intense nowadays if I had had better parenting skills then, but that’s not very helpful to obsess over and I know that I am moving forward doing the best I can.

My 11 year old looooooves to tell me that I “made him this way” and that he can’t wait to be a parent because then he’ll have someone to hit. I have been in therapy and getting help and changing my parenting for 8 years at this point, and I can’t say I saw immediate and miraculous results. But I know in my heart that at least now I am modeling what I want them to learn - problem solving, communication, etc.

Last edited by bigsis144 on Fri, Sep 24 2021, 2:44 pm; edited 1 time in total

dancingqueen

Fri, Sep 24 2021, 2:43 pm

clowny wrote:

Aren’t you teaching that hitting is acceptable if you’re bigger and stronger and have more power?

clowny

Fri, Sep 24 2021, 3:08 pm

dancingqueen wrote:

Aren’t you teaching that hitting is acceptable if you’re bigger and stronger and have more power?

No. For 2 reasons.
1- Children should know that there are things that only Totty or Mommy are allowed. Hitting is one of them.
2- If hitting the right way, like I described above, it does not fall into the same category like when a child hits another child.

keym

Fri, Sep 24 2021, 3:19 pm

clowny wrote:

So it's ok to you if a 2 year old touches a 5 year olds toys. The 5 year old is allowed to get controlled, stern, and give 1 smack on the 2 year olds bottom saying "no taking my toys".
5 year olds can learn to hit calmly and with control.
It's still a bigger person hitting a smaller one.

mommy201

Fri, Sep 24 2021, 3:37 pm

amother [ Orange ] wrote:

Disclaimer: the only time I hit is if a kid does something dangerous (running into the street type)
However, חוסך שבטו שונא בנו
I believe chazal knew better than modern day psychologists. There’s a time and place for everything, including hitting.

Even for the street, while I understand the thought process behind ppl saying for safety, if there is an even more effective way to do it - which I have found - why do I need to hit?

And the Bal Hatanya says on that chazal, that if chazal meant it so literally, we should be hitting our kids with a stick which no one does. He brings down that it is a euphemism for discipline.

Ema of 5

Fri, Sep 24 2021, 3:51 pm

notshanarishona wrote:

Out of curiosity would you have done the same thing if he cut his sister’s hair?
Scissors should never be left in reach of a kid under 5/6.

Before my youngest could walk, she used to push stools over to the counter and climb up to get the things that I had put out of her reach. Once I realized what she was doing I found another spot, but until I did….let’s just say a lot of damage was done.

amother

Cyan

Fri, Sep 24 2021, 3:58 pm

mommy201 wrote:

Can you share a more effective way to teach about the street?

behappy2

Fri, Sep 24 2021, 4:16 pm

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

Can you share a more effective way to teach about the street?

I had this with my kid. Each time I brought her in for awhile. I watched her like a hawk. After many many times being taken in she got the message.

On the other hand when we moved onto a busier street she ran across without telling us bec she was following her older sibling I think I must have given her a small potch on her hand and told her very sternly that she can not go out all day. I needed it to be extremely clear bec she was used to living on a more residential street, that this different and no monkey business. She was older so she got the message pretty fast. If she didn't get the message I would have done something else but not potch over and over again.

The idea of giving a potch is to impress severity on the child.