Are sleepovers necessary?

amother

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 5:01 pm

DD8 just had a friend sleep over for the first time and for many reasons, I don't want this to become a regular thing. I'd prefer it never even happen again. Am I being unfair or unrealistic? Are there any good reasons for children to have sleepovers?

amother

DarkPurple

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 5:03 pm

Most people don't do regular sleepovers. Once in awhile (like birthday party) is fine imo.
Or hosting friends whose parents are oot.

behappy2

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 5:09 pm

It depends. If the whole class gets together and only your kid doesn't? If her friends get together to study and sleep over and only she doesn't? I actually know a family that has this rule.

My4Jewels

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 5:11 pm

Really? My oldest is 20 and my youngest is 12 and sleepovers were always a part of their childhood. Not every play date and not during covid last year but generally yes it was a fun part of their growing up to sleep at their friends house Saturday nights, or a vacation night or Shabbat

amother

Cognac

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 5:12 pm

No
Some don’t do it
But don’t make your kids unusual if in their circles they do
Then rarely at yours or good friends family you know house
And depends upon age

amother

Bergamot

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 5:14 pm

My daughter is 12, and she is constantly having sleepovers with her friends, either here or at their houses. Only families we know. She has one friend whose older sister has some issues (don want to get into it, to protect her) and I won’t let her sleep there on shabbos. I will let her sleep there other nights, because she can call me to come get her if there’s an issue.

amother

Acacia

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 5:15 pm

We don't allow sleepovers just because. (Without good reason.) Bh my girls school doesn't allow it either. There's no reason for kids to be sleeping elsewhere just because.

amother

Bellflower

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 5:16 pm

It’s so formative. My mom hated sending me on large group sleepover parties though of course she relented sometimes. But Id go to friends for overnights often. It was huge from grades 4-8. Huge.

amother

Bellflower

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 5:17 pm

amother [ Acacia ] wrote:

We don't allow sleepovers just because. Bh my girls school doesn't allow it either. There's no reason for kids to be sleeping elsewhere just because.

Did you have sleepovers as a kid?

amother

Aquamarine

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 5:24 pm

I’m glad it’s not a thing in my community unless the parents need to be out of town for some reason and there are no adult siblings at home. I host kids often but it’s never just for fun.

Ema of 5

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 5:28 pm

To answer your question, of course they are not necessary. Children who don’t do sleepovers will grow up perfectly fine, just like kids who don’t go to sleep away camp, or girls who don’t go to seminary. It’s an experience, that’s all.

amother

Dimgray

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 5:50 pm

Are they necessary? Depends on community. If all the other girls in the class are having sleepovers, then yes they might be necessary. Forbidding your dd from going can distance her from friendships, from being part of the 'gang', etc.

OTOH, if only a few girls have sleepovers once in a while, then no it's probably not necessary. Unless your dd wants to be friends with these specific girls.

In general, I would be very wary of prioritizing strict rules over my dd's social life.

amother

Acacia

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 5:56 pm

amother [ Bellflower ] wrote:

Did you have sleepovers as a kid?

Only for good reason. (My mom had a baby, my parents went away...) and only to families (relatives, close friends, neighbors) that they knew very well.

amother

Offwhite

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 6:01 pm

It might be more "necessary" for girls than for boys.
Growing up, I had sleepovers about 3 or 4 times a year from age 11 and up. My brothers never had any just for fun.
My daughters are starting to have occasional sleepovers now (ages 7 and 10), while my son (12) has never even asked.

amother

Skyblue

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 6:09 pm

as long as you make it an always rule I remember as a kid this one mother disliked me for some reason and she didnt let me sleep over saying its a family rule I came over one shabos afternoon to find out another girl had slept over (I will probably never forgive)

amother

Peachpuff

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 6:15 pm

I had a lot of sleepovers as a kid. All my friends lived in other neighborhoods and Shabbos was very lonely for me since I only have brothers and they had their own friends to hang out with. Sometimes friends came to me instead.

My children are still relatively young and so far they've mostly only had sleepovers at their grandparents except for my oldest who started having the occasional friend sleepover as a tween. We only allow her to go to families we know and only weeknights so far when she can call if she wants to come home. She knows she can call at any time of the night if there's an issue.

I went to seminary with a girl who had never ever been away from home and it was a huge and difficult adjustment for her. I thought that was poorly done of her parents. If they didn't believe in sleepaway camp then at least let her go away for a night here or there before sending her halfway across the world!

amother

Ballota

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 6:22 pm

amother [ Acacia ] wrote:

Only for good reason. (My mom had a baby, my parents went away...) and only to families (relatives, close friends, neighbors) that they knew very well.

Did you have a bad experience? Why are you so hesitant about sleepovers?

amother

Birch

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 6:41 pm

I grew up on frequent sleep overs. Such fond memories-all innocent fun. I think if you know your child and know the other child/family and nothing is amiss it can be very nice!

amother

Acacia

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 6:42 pm

amother [ Ballota ] wrote:

Did you have a bad experience? Why are you so hesitant about sleepovers?

Bh no bad experience. But I know girls that did have bad experience. I don't think sleepovers should be done for no good reason. Bh my kids have a house and bed. When there's a reason for a sleepover, they get to have one. I think today's days we need to be more vigilant. Our school anyways doesn't allow it so it's basically a non issue. It's a new rule from last year, in some grades the sleepovers were out of hand.