S/o was it hard to be different or were you proud

behappy2

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 7:48 pm

If your family had a very strong stance on something that your neighbors or classmates or cousins didn't, house did it make you feel? We're you proud of your family? Did you feel bad?
(S/o of sleepovers) examples would be not allowing sleepovers, phone calls to friends, certain trips, diff. reading materials, foods, clothing etc.. Relating or not Relating to yiddishkeit. Not because they couldn't but because of a specific value.
Also how did your parents present it that made a difference?

amother

Brunette

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 8:06 pm

I was always embarrassed. But I think it makes a difference that my parents were abusive and neurotic and extremists. They didn't let us do some things cuz of frum reasons-girls can't ride bikes cuz not tznius, and other stuff cuz they are nervous wrecks about safety-can't go on a pogo stick cuz you'll crack your head open.
I already had very low self esteem cuz of abuse so maybe it was worse cuz of that. I imagine there's a way to do it that makes children feel ok.

NotLazySusan

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 8:30 pm

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

Same

amother

Junglegreen

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 9:08 pm

I never felt proud. I always felt deprived and not met. Children's needs are so often not factored in. It's all about what the parents want/need for their own sense of idunowhat.

amother

Tan

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 9:12 pm

I grew up very differently from my neighbors and friends in multiple ways. In general, my siblings and I felt proud of our home and values. There were times that were hard though.
My parents believed in how they raised us and instilled their pride in us.

amother

Blue

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 9:13 pm

My parents only let us eat healthy food. It didn't really affect me much. Everybody knew, and teachers usually accommodated me. My mother also made sure that we always had what other people had but she substituted things. For example, if our class was making cookies she would send me though so I would also be able to make cookies. If we had a party and lots of unhealthy food was being given out, she gave me extra snack too.
Personally it didn't really bother me. Some of my siblings it bothered more than others. And today, some of us keep a healthier house than others. Personally, I don't push it on my kids since I feel like it's too much.... But I'm careful with what I give them for snack and what they eat.

amother

Clear

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 9:35 pm

I grew up with parents who strongly insisted on certain things mostly pertaining to middos and yiddishkeit and I felt a mixture of pride and frustration when essentially forced to do these things.

I don't think my parents were wrong to insist on these things but the way they did so was so bad for my ability to express myself. I was shut down and it was never a conversation. I just had to suck it up and do it. I never had a chance to try and use words to express my opinions. This was just part of my upbringing that created tremendous challenges in my marriage...

amother

Steel

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 10:10 pm

I and my older sibling were proud. But we were a minority, the most frum ones in our classes. Everyone could see that we were different, and expected us to be different.

But the school demographics had changed by the time my younger siblings went to school. They were in a class with mostly other frum kids, and had a harder time being different. They didn't feel as proud of it, more resentful that they were expected to be more strict than their classmates.

For my own children, I do want them to act differently than some of their classmates and friends. But I'm very open about the reasons why, and am very careful not to FORCE my higher standards. I let them know that Ahavas Yisroel trumps all.

amother

Blushpink

Sun, Sep 26 2021, 10:16 pm

I wasn't resentful of the standards, just resentful that I went to a school were I was one of the frummest, would have preferred at the time to go somewhere where I felt like I fitted in.

gr82no

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 12:02 am

Certain things I was proud of and certain things not.
Things that revolves around my parents decisions and made me feel like I was less than everyone else I didn’t like but things that had to do with our derech in yoddishkeit I was proud of

amother

Apricot

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 12:31 am

Grew up on shlichus with no frum people for hundreds of miles around, we were proud like anything and never thought twice about it. Think it was possibly easier because we were so clearly different than our peers but we still had good friendships, were part of the gang, sleepovers and parties etc still happened just with our own food brought along, not coming for the part of the party at the cinema, etc. You definitely have to be clear about your reasons for why you believe in what you're doing, even better if you articulate it, then it gets absorbed by the children.

amother

Cantaloupe

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 12:39 am

Mostly I was proud, sometimes I got really frustrated and felt like no one listened to me. But once I grew past that stage I usually understood why the decision was what it was. My family is different than others around us in certain ways, specifically higher standards in Yiddishkeit, I try to make my house a fun place so other kids enjoy coming over and my kids feel proud to have such a fun and warm home. When they get upset about decisions we make, we talk it through, validate the frustration and just grow through it.

honeymoon

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 12:41 am

No, I wasn't proud. I was resentful. Though I am a grown adult now with children of my own, I have a hard time understanding the reasoning behind many of the things I was told "no" for. I can still feel the embarrassment of having to tell my friends, once again, that I won't be joining them in whatever they were doing because my parents didn't let. As a parent, I try to limit the no's I tell my children, to the things that are truly important and hopefully won't cause lingering resentment down the line.