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Forum
-> Parenting our children
amother
OP
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Mon, Sep 27 2021, 9:02 am
ExDH can be very difficult to live with. He’s moody and unpredictable and gets upset over innocuous things… while thankfully I no longer have to interact with him much, unfortunately my children still do.
They are all a little “scared” of him and try to minimize interactions with him. For whatever reason, there is one child he actually has a good relationship with and that he rarely, if ever, “loses it” with. My other children have started using this fact to help them deal with him. So… if anything goes wrong (ie an item breaks or someone is careless with something and it results in damage to something-which gets exDH really upset) they will blame it on his favorite DD whether she did it or not (with her permission of course). If they want to ask/tell exDH something (but are afraid of interrupting him at whatever he is doing), they send that DD to discuss with him…
(When we were married I tried to take the blame for everything not because he didn’t react when it was me-he definitely did-but because I wanted to protect them from his over the top anger, but that is no longer a possibility).
Anyhow… DD seems to be on board with this brilliant plan but I remember reading once that it’s hard for kids to be a favorite child… should I be telling the kids they need to stop doing it?
Also, just mentioning in case anyone asks, exDH is not physically abusive.
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trixx
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Mon, Sep 27 2021, 9:31 am
Doesn't sound very healthy at all. Sorry that isn't concrete. Do you have a psychologist to discuss this with. Sounds like a recipe for a future trauma response
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amother
Tealblue
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Mon, Sep 27 2021, 9:46 am
Please do not do this to her. Not fair.
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amother
Scarlet
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Mon, Sep 27 2021, 9:53 am
Very challenging situation
Not healthy dynamics
Please get a professional involved
They are all going to need to learn how to deal with him since they have to go without you
Very challenging
Though they can come out strong and healthy
With one healthy parent tho not ideal is all a child needs
Give them plenty of nonjudgmental time to process and don’t interfere they are in survival mode and you are not there so they must figure it out and do what works
How old are they?
Hugs and hatzlocha
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faigie
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Mon, Sep 27 2021, 10:51 am
So I gather that ur dealing with a narcissist. He isn’t gonna change. I’m thankful that u found a work around. As long as ur daughter understands the actual dynamic, I feel no harm in this.
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oneofakind
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Mon, Sep 27 2021, 11:22 am
It's hard to be the"Golden Child". I'd discourage this and figure out another plan.
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amother
OP
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Mon, Sep 27 2021, 11:56 am
amother [ Tealblue ] wrote: | Please do not do this to her. Not fair. |
To be clear, I’m not the one “doing this” to her, my other kids are, with her consent. They are all in their teens (for the most part).
She sometimes even volunteers (to broach things with him, to take the fall for things). Should I be telling her (and the other kids) that they can’t do this any more?
Separately, I’m assuming that to the degree it still relates to me (which is way less than it used to but does still come up occasionally), I can still do it (take the blame for things the kids do so that I bear the brunt of his wrath instead of them)?
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amother
Scarlet
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Mon, Sep 27 2021, 12:04 pm
They are teens in a tough situation. I would stay out of it and let them deal as best as they can.
Not easy.
Hugs and hatzlocha
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