Naming for an abusive grandparent

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Forum -> Pregnancy & Childbirth -> Baby Names

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amother

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 1:37 pm

Not currently shayach, but I've been thinking about this.

If your parent was abused by one of their parents (emotionally, physically etc.), and you experienced the intergenerational effects of that abuse, did / would you name after that grandparent?
If you did - Full name? Half name?
If not, and it was intentional, does your parent know about it?

If you are a child of an abusive parent, would you want your children to name their children for your abusive parent? Would you understand if they didn't?

TIA

amother

Yellow

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 1:42 pm

My grandmother, who incidentally had a beautiful name, was physically and verbally abusive to her children and was not well mentally / emotionally.
My husband asked our rav if we could name after her, just mentioning she was “a little crazy” and he said yes. I then called and told him that she was abusive and he said I should not use the name. People think it’s interesting that my dd is named after a random great grandmother when grandmother was nifteris recently (and had a better name! Lol), but I am happier and we followed das Torah.

My father is not alive anymore but he wouldn’t have been thrilled with a granddaughter named after his mother if he were living, though he wouldn’t have said anything.

If it’s relevant, rav is hasidish

NotLazySusan

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 1:49 pm

Although I know parents shouldn’t interfere, my children know that I’d be disappointed if they did name for my parents.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 2:53 pm

Never. For that reason I haven’t named after anyone.

amother

Magnolia

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 2:54 pm

I named after an abusive FIL, it was right after his yahrzeit. Of the 3 kids named after him- 2 are very sweet but have learning disabilities ( the parents are relatively healthy), 1 has some emotional disturbance ( his parents are very unhealthy).
I told my kids not to name their kids after him.

tweety1

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 2:56 pm

I didn't. I have a grandparent that I hated for the life of mine. Was mean, nasty and what not. My parent has the grandparent's exact middos. I didn't give the name. I asked my lor and was told if I don't want to I don't have to.

mha3484

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 2:57 pm

My grandfather wasnt abusive but had significant issues in his personal and professional life that landed him with two trips to jail. I would never never name a child with his name.

amother

Strawberry

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 3:08 pm

I wouldn’t. It’s one thing to name after a very special person whose middos you want reflected in your child, but why on earth would someone willingly name after an abusive person?

I have a grandfather who s-xually abused me, and my other grandfather was always extremely mean to me so I also would never name after him. I decided as a young girl that I just would never name after anyone in general to avoid being out into the position of feeling pressured to name after people where I have reasons not to that people are unaware of. But at the end of the day naming my children is solely the decision of DH and I, and if people end up feeling insulted there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m not going to name after a monster just to please someone who doesn’t know the truth, and ultimately it’s their job to give me the benefit of the doubt, assume I had my reasons and not be sensitive to it

amother

Copper

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 3:10 pm

I would not!
I am very into naming my children after good people.
I had two grandparents who were abusive, both holocaust survivors.
I hope no one names after my abusive, narcissistic father. He is still alive, but I think my kids will know never to name a child for him.

amother

Gardenia

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 3:13 pm

What about an abusive parent? I am struggling with this. Not giving the name, aside from everything else, would almost be a public humiliation.

amother

Currant

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 3:14 pm

These things get tricky! DH wanted to name after his mom who was admittedly not a good person (not abuse but affairs and other things that caused the family a lot of pain and trauma) and I really didn’t want to. We ended up compromising by adding a name but DH has kinda never forgiven me for insisting on that 😢

I’m not sure what I would do if it came up again. Everyone has both good and bad aspects of themselves and we hope whoever we name after them just emulates the good qualities.

amother

Puce

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 4:29 pm

I would never.

amother

Starflower

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 4:36 pm

We give the name for the living because it's a comfort for them so if they would appreciate it I would give it.

amother

Mintgreen

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 4:37 pm

I hope never to have to name after my parents but my kids can do whatever they want.

tweety1

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 4:41 pm

amother [ Gardenia ] wrote:

What about an abusive parent? I am struggling with this. Not giving the name, aside from everything else, would almost be a public humiliation.

I didn't care. All my siblings have the name I'm spoke about above. All my cousins. I refused. I couldn't see myself giving a name after this grandparent. Everyone asked questions after the name giving. I just didn't care. I don't own anyone an explanation especially if it wasn't a decision I made on my own. I have to do what's right. The right thing was for me to ask my lor. Once I did that I couldn't care less what anybody thinks or says.

amother

Phlox

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 4:45 pm

amother [ Starflower ] wrote:

We give the name for the living because it's a comfort for them so if they would appreciate it I would give it.

I was told it’s a benefit to the person who you name after so it’s hakoras hatov.
And it’s a benefit to the child to name after someone from the Parsha.

amother

Starflower

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 4:48 pm

amother [ Phlox ] wrote:

I was told it’s a benefit to the person who you name after so it’s hakoras hatov.
And it’s a benefit to the child to name after someone from the Parsha.

Intresting. I was told it is zero benefit to the person named after. And it's a kuved to the living.

amother

Copper

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 4:58 pm

amother [ Starflower ] wrote:

Intresting. I was told it is zero benefit to the person named after. And it's a kuved to the living.

I believe the idea is that the neshamos are somehow connected and somehow the person being named after has an influence on the child.
And I do think there is some benefit to the niftar. Not sure exactly what, but many people tried to name after their parents who died in the war so they should have some continuity. (Though they probably added a name.)

How is it a kavod to the living? Because your father or mother will be happy that theres a child named for one of their parents?

I agree with Tweety. I don't owe anyone explanations. And that includes my parents. My first responsibility is towards my child, and that means not to saddle him with the name of a bad person.

amother

Azure

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 5:00 pm

I only found out after naming my child after my husbands father how abusive he was, as it wasn’t something public. I don’t think the others who named after him even know.
I would never have given the name had I known before but by now the name already became my child’s name and I don’t associate it w my fil anymore but w my delightful child bh.
I told my husband that I’m going to encourage my children to not give the name though. Obv I know I don’t have a say but will let them know we’re ok if they don’t give it...

amother

Stonewash

Mon, Sep 27 2021, 5:08 pm

Would never name after an abusive grandparent and would not want my child or grandchild to name after my abusive mother.

However my husband wants to name after his semi abusive father.

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