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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Teen dd disclosing same zex attraction
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tigerwife




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 01 2021, 9:25 am
SSA is not the end of the world for a frum person. Honestly, it is more common than anyone thinks. Frum girls/boys who are segregated will often find opportunity to experiment sxually with the same gender before the opposite (they might not even realize what they are doing is zxual). And if they enjoy it, they may be very confused.

But again- this is only “tragic” if they a actually have an aversion to the opposite sx. Bisxual might mean they have a yetzer hora to get into the wrong relationship but they can still have a meaningful, normal marriage. If they are truly gay/les, then things are much more difficult socially and ultimately religiously.

That being said, it sounds like your daughter is starving for love, validation, unconditional acceptance. She wants to shock you to see if you truly love her. There is some kind of insecurity there- will my parents really cut off their flesh and blood- do they just hate me- if my parents can’t live me I am probably unloveable… I agree that professional guidance is a must.
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amother
Moccasin


 

Post Fri, Oct 01 2021, 9:32 am
OP have you considered that your daughters challenging behavior may in fact be a biological illness? A lot of what you are describing fits right in with pandas/pans/autoimmune encephalitis. This horrific disease makes kids brains turn on themselves, makes them act oppositional and defiant in a compulsive manner, and robs them of empathy and compassion so that they look like they are enjoying it and doing it on purpose. In addition, while there isn’t a ton of scientific evidence on this, hundreds of parents in grassroots groups are reporting anecdotally that brain inflammation is messing with their kids s-xuality. Either by literally messing with their orientation and or attraction, or by causing intrusive thoughts and ocd surrounding their s-xuality, which to them may feel very real. My recommendation, in addition to getting excellent guidance from mental health experts regarding how to deal with this in the here and now, would be to have her see a specialist familiar with neuroimmune disorders.
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Petra




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 01 2021, 9:56 am
Hard news to take. But you are the parents in her life. HaShem gave her to you to raise. You can’t raise her if you disown her. You need to listen to her and love her. You have work to do on yourself. Our kids are challenging in so many different ways. This is an opportunity for growth on your part. Have mercy on her the way you would want HaShem to have mercy on you. I don’t say this lightly. I have been through similar challenges.
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Tortoise




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Oct 01 2021, 10:34 am
BY high school teacher of 15 years here. Can't tell you how many students have "confessed" over the years to these feelings, urges, even actions. Almost all move on and are happily married. Actually more common in sheltered girls, as they don't have access to boys (which I believe would "cure" most of them). There's lots of intense romantic type of talk, obsessing, hugging, handholding, snuggling. But actual actions if isure? Extremely extremely rare! R' Shmuel Kamenetsky said the only problem (doraysa) is if 2 girls are in bed together with no clothes between them. This is probably not the case here.
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amother
NeonBlue


 

Post Fri, Oct 01 2021, 12:14 pm
It sounds really embarrassing and not pleasant your situation.
But I strongly believe Hashem has given you a child as a gift and you need to raise that child. It is not in your control which way he/she decides to go in life. But YOU were given this gift and I strongly believe cutting off from a child because you are not happy with the way he/she is turning out, or your embarrassed of him then it is against Hashem. He gave you this gift to love, cherish, shower with warmth and love. That's your job. What you can do is role model and take for therapy and try and guide in the right direction. But to cut off... that's not what Hashem wants you to-do with his gifts!




Op got a good variety of helpful replies. Thread closed.
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