Brother’s Shabbos Sheva brachos - what do you do

amother

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 4:09 am

Because so many people suggested it: how on earth could I ask a another mother of young children to watch my kids or even one child for a whole Shabbos??? I would never be able to do that for a friend. My nursing baby wakes me 1-2 times a night. My 4 year old can wake up at 630 am or earlier. My 4 year old is super active and needs constant attention and becomes hyper as soon as a guest comes. I need to take care of my own children and literally would not be able to take care of another child (especially one who may might be fully trained at night- my kids certainly aren’t) other than perhaps a niece or nephew.

Besides that, my kids are ages 7 & 4 & 1 and have never been away from me overnight other than when I went to the hospital to give birth. The 7 yo once slept over at his grandmother. The 4 yo tried then called me at 9 pm Bawling that he wants to come home. The 1 yo would absolutely never ever be ok with this.

If it works for so many of you, great, but in my community it’s not done (except in a emergency like if parents need to go to the hospital) and in my family it just wouldn’t work.

amother

Aqua

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 5:19 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

The Posts on this thread are ridiculous op of course you don’t have to attend of course you don’t have to bend yourself into a pretzel to make this work it’s perfectly fine to not come you have a little kid it’s understandable some of the people on this thread and completely out of hand you do what’s good for you and if I were yourbrother I would be totally understanding

amother

Dahlia

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 5:49 am

amother [ Aqua ] wrote:

It's completely out of hand to attend a brother's aufruf????? Scratching Head

It's all about priorities and valuing family. If you want to go, you'll find a way to work it out. If you don't won't to go, there will always be an excuse. Flexibility in life is a good thing. If we're never flexible and always must stick to a rigid schedule, it just ends up being harder for us and kids in the long run.

amother

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:06 am

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

It's completely out of hand to attend a brother's aufruf????? Scratching Head

This is very black and white.

How about I’d love to attend under different circumstances but my reality right now is that attending will cause setbacks to my family, when I want to be able to attend the wedding later that week with a healthy, functioning family an I feel that’s more important.

Chayalle

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:13 am

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

It's completely out of hand to attend a brother's aufruf????? Scratching Head

Yes it is if it won't work for her with young children. OP is prioritizing and valuing the emotional needs of her young children. Something I think we can all learn from, actually.

Yes dear. Flexibility in life is a good thing.

amother

Dahlia

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:13 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This is exactly what I mean by inflexibility not being good for anyone. A family simcha shouldn't be causing "setbacks" or healthy people to become unhealthy and not functional. It's all about the mindset you have towards it.

amother

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:15 am

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

Just because it’s called a simcha doesn’t mean that a weekend of no sleep for mom and baby immediately preceding a week of late nights won’t cause harm.

The main most important simcha is the wedding. Aufruf and Sheva brachos are secondary.

tp3

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:16 am

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

There needs to be a healthy balance between rigidity and flexibility. That means sometimes it works to go and sometimes it doesn't.
Family does not trump sanity IMO.

amother

Dahlia

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:16 am

Chayalle wrote:

There's no flexibility here at all.
A simcha once in a while doesn't effect kids emotionally. Nothing will happen if they're off schedule for a bit. It's good for them in the long run. Kids that are always scheduled have a harder time with any tiny change and parents are always slaves to the kids and their schedules.

amother

Pansy

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:18 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I agree that there's lots of grey in such situations. But you seem to be coming across as very rigid in your posts. If that is so, and that is how you operate, please understand that others don't view that in a positive light. While I'm all for putting family first, there needs to be room for flexibility to accommodate simchas, to accommodate other people, and generally other stuff in life. Rigidity creates distance between you and others, and while right now you may not care about that distance, it doesn't disappear when you will care about it.

Finding a proper balance is where a lot of the grey lies. It sometimes means we have to put out and inconvenience ourselves, and even our children a little bit, on the occasion.

amother

Dahlia

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:18 am

tp3 wrote:

There needs to be a healthy balance between rigidity and flexibility. That means sometimes it works to go and sometimes it doesn't.
Family does not trump sanity IMO.

If an immediate family simcha causes someone to lose their sanity, there are bigger issue here.
An immediate family simcha usually isn't a regular happening. You can be flexible the once in a while we do have a simcha. (By immediate family I mean siblings weddings, not neices/nephews.)

amother

Bisque

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:21 am

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

Dahlia, I just feel bad for your kids and especially your in law kids

Why not I actually agree with her, when I had family simchas me and my friends switched off kids I took there kids and always worked amazing. Why can’t a kid go away for 30 hours it’s actually healthy for everyone even the parents. OP is not willing to bend at all.

amother

Dahlia

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:21 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Healthy people aren't harmed from being off schedule for a bit once in a blue moon. You're very rigid and adamant about schedule that your own brothers aufruf is unimportant to you. This isn't a good way to live and it's not good for kids to get used to such rigidity. It does more harm than good in the long run. With this mindset, simchas become a burden instead of a simcha. We need to be easygoing sometimes.
(Btw, you don't need to attend every (or any at all) weekday sheva brachos. Most people I know don't, especially if theres travel involved.)

amother

Almond

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:25 am

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

To me this is a very generalized , black and white statement. As well as the overall take that do anything to go to family simchas.
It depends on so many factors. Community/ availability of space/ distance to travel/ age of children/ finances -and more.
You cant make a general blanket statement to always go to family simchas. You go when you can IF all factors make it possible. If hosting and space is a problem you cant go.
Why is that so difficult to understand?

amother

Dahlia

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:26 am

amother [ Almond ] wrote:

This is a reply directly and only to the post I was quoting. Not a general statement.

tp3

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:27 am

amother [ Dahlia ] wrote:

You are judging from far and not understanding that people have different circumstances.
It works for you- all the power to you.
It doesn't for everybody. And your kind of expectations doesn't make it easier on anyone, only sets one up for disappointments and more judging.

GetReal

Mon, Oct 04 2021, 6:29 am

Sometimes an aufruf - which btw is a few minutes in Shul - means an entire night of kids not sleeping, an entire shabbos of kids off schedule, which leads to a good few days of kids being cranky. I can be the most flexible person in the world but if my kids don’t sleep they’re tired. And if they get back to schedule quickly then fine. But if the wedding is a few days later and then the sheva brochos it adds up. And you talk a lot about flexibility but part of flexibility is being flexible enough to see other points of view.