Inviting only parents and in laws to bar mitzva

amother

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 8:28 pm

We have very limited income and are on a super strict budget. We also are both introverts. We are only maki g a bar mitzva kiddush but have siblings that live out of town. Aside for not wanting to host we simply cant afford to cater so many people. Do we have to invite siblings to a shabbos bar mitzva if we really want to keep it small. Has anyone done this?

amother

Dandelion

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 8:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What about your son?
Is he an introvert?
Does he not want to celebrate this milestone?

amother

Gardenia

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 8:34 pm

I just did. Only invited siblings who live walking distance to the kiddush in shul. My son was happy. He didn't want a party. He wanted a fun day out with his two closest friends.

My family is relaxed about these things and nobody was insulted BH. We all do what we can afford. It doesn't mean we aren't close. We get together in other ways. Not everyone can afford to host entire large families multiple times.

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 8:40 pm

Do your parents live in town? How many people are you talking about?

I'm just thinking outloud—if it's just a few people, can you invite siblings just to the kiddush? Then the siblings can stay at their respective parents ( and some stay with you as well) for Shabbos and eat the meals at their host. I've been invited like that to baby kiddush, but not a bar mitzvah.

notshanarishona

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 8:44 pm

Did your siblings invite you to their kids simchas? Are you a close knit family? How many people are you talking about?
I would think it’s kind of rude not to invite at all but in don’t think it has to be a fancy catered Shabbos. You can make the party mid week and that way people will be less likely to come. They don’t davka have to be their at the actual aliya. You can also place people for one meal and do one family meal type of thing. Their are semi affordable ways to do it

amother

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 8:44 pm

amother [ Gardenia ] wrote:

Thank you so much this is exactly what I need here very close to the siblings but it’s super overwhelming to have so many people in a small house and not many people to put up the siblings in neighbors houses.

amother

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 8:46 pm

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

Nobody lives in town I would have to be putting up parents and then a number siblings feeling completely overwhelmed from a financial perspective and emotional perspective like I said my husband and I are introvert and summer shabbos it’s just too much for me. Id just like to hear that I’m somewhat normal

amother

Honeydew

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 8:51 pm

Does he have cousins his age? If you are only inviting grandparents, might I suggest inviting male cousins around his age? They can all sleep in sleeping bags somewhere (camp out in the dining room!) so it might be manageable for you to host. Your son will get the benefit and fun of family coming, and you'll have a lot less stress than hosting everyone.

amother

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 8:58 pm

amother [ Honeydew ] wrote:

This is a wonderful idea. Is it super weird to just have one boy cousin his age ? this is a great idea. my siblings all have children younger than my families and the ones that are my family they are girls. Like I said I’m super overwhelmed to have everyone over I totally fine having one of the cousin but is this really nuts?

Also. Regarding the bar mitzva boy he is on the spectrum but high functioning if there will be a lot of people in the house I’m sure he’ll be overwhelmed and I I think that’s why I’m super overwhelmed just thinking about it. But if I can be honest truth I am more overwhelmed from a financial perspective.

amother

Gardenia

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 9:13 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Actually I did that too. A few boy cousins around his age slept over for shabbos. My son didn't feel like he missed out on anything. I made a nice kiddush in shul.

It still cost us a couple thousand dollars between the kiddush, the nice food and paper goods for our meal at home and taking my son and his friends out for a day. But it was way less expensive than a party and a shabbos kiddush plus a sit down lunch.

amother

Indigo

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 10:27 pm

I did a mid-week affair and for shabbos I didn't invite anyone for sleeping over. So only 2 families who are walking distance came to shul for the men-only kiddush. My family is very distant and my DH's family can be difficult/hurtful because we are not as yeshivish as they are, and I didn't want to handle it for 25 hours. Bar mitzvahs nowadays are so much more flexible, you can do anything you want. Really. Especially since you're all close, they will probably understand. After being married almost 20 years, I realize I do not owe anyone my paying for a celebration that I hate. My dime, my party. If anyone had an issue with what I did, they said it behind my back. And I seriously don't care. Your dime. Your party.

amother

Blueberry

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 10:42 pm

op, im glad you are thinking of being realistic financially and physically/emotionally...to do something different from the norm....

my inlaws and sibilings(not all of them) get very insulted and criticize/pressure me to invite everyone, and they are not being realistic about my situation...it doesnt matter if the sibilings invite everyone, not everyone has the same financial and physical resources to host everyone....

what gets me really upset is how much my mil makes me feel guilty for not inviting sibilings but recently when her second dil decided to only invite parents/inlaws, my mil was very understanding towards that sil....

op, I think your thread here and the thread about the ima who couldnt go to sheva brachos etc highlights the very real problem that some families create such that simchos are sometimes turned into stressful/pressure filled times whereas there are so many "unspoken rules" that relatives put on/expect from the one making the simcha and so too that the one making the simcha expects from close relatives....I think everyone needs to be a little more laidback and let the baalei simcha make decisions and the baalei simcha should let the guests (including close relatives) decide if they can come...

op I think you shld do whatever you can handle so that it will really be a day of simcha for you...its okay to do things differently to make your simcha less stressful/in other words, so you can have a real simcha.

amother

Poppy

Sun, Oct 03 2021, 10:47 pm

His being on the spectrum buys you a lot of leeway in your decisions. Having one cousin his age come sounds great, of he knows him well and will enjoy that. But if he will want a lot of down time by himself and the cousin will be bored stiff, maybe rethink it.

Is the family driving distance away? Can you have the grandparents for Shabbos and invite the siblings for a midday lunch that they can drive to and from on the same day? I'm thinking New York to Baltimore distance or less, so 3 or 4 hours max. If not, ok, just do your Shabbos with the grandparents. Have your son's class for kiddush or whatever you were thinking. But really, you need to find out what your son wants and is expecting. He may have an expectation based on what everyone else is doing. And if you think he can't handle it, or it's too much financially, you need to adapt it so it has elements of what he wants.