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Forum
-> The Social Scene
amother
OP
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 7:43 pm
Doing this if you’d like to learn how to navigate around friends/family who may be doing IVF.
I’ve always been on the fence about sharing much. Too often, once someone feels they “know”, they end up being more insensitive than when they knew they didn’t know.
But some AMA threads here have been so respectful, with women learning about each other with kindness and compassion and I’d like to soften some of the taboo surrounding this (though it surely isn’t as taboo as it was years ago).
Please only ask if you want to be more compassionate, and keep in mind that as much as you’ll know, one cannot know unless they’re experiencing it themselves. So keep being kind to those around you who are struggling, using this insight to be a kinder friend.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 7:45 pm
ETA
- I’m post PIF at this point. If someone currently PIF would like to chime in, you’re welcome to.
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amother
Lawngreen
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 7:48 pm
can you tell me more about freezing youre eggs thank you
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amother
OP
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 7:48 pm
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote: | can you tell me more about freezing youre eggs thank you |
What would you like to know, more specifically?
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amother
Amber
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 7:52 pm
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote: | can you tell me more about freezing youre eggs thank you |
I've done multiple ivfs and never froze my eggs.
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amother
Seagreen
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 8:54 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | ETA
- I’m post PIF at this point. If someone currently PIF would like to chime in, you’re welcome to. |
Doing it again?
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amother
Brown
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 9:09 pm
Can you guide me how to talk to my friend who is really struggling with infertility. What is considered nice and considerate and what is the response if she says something about what she's dealing with.
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amother
White
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 9:12 pm
I'm expecting my first and my older sibling has been waiting for a couple of years already. What do you think is the most thoughtful sensitive way to tell them?
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amother
OP
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 9:27 pm
amother [ Seagreen ] wrote: | Doing it again? |
Not at the moment and I don’t know if and when I’ll be ready again. It costs so much (just to try) and my pregnancy would be very high risk.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 9:40 pm
amother [ Brown ] wrote: | Can you guide me how to talk to my friend who is really struggling with infertility. What is considered nice and considerate and what is the response if she says something about what she's dealing with. |
Everyone has their own unique situation, journey and experience. It’s hard to know what she wants and how she’d take what you say or don’t say.
My safest bet (even with my own friends who are struggling) is never to ask specifics. If they want to share, they may share and you just be there for her. She likely doesn’t expect you to say much. Just to be felt. I don’t know if I can give you the perfect response for when she shares. Just being a listening ear, and truly listening to her struggles will make her feel heard. If she ever mentions that she’s having a procedure you may want to offer a meal. Or drop off / send a card with a little treat. If she does accept a meal offer on a day of treatment, I would simply drop it at her door and let her know it’s there, without expecting her to come to the door and face you. As close as you are, she may not be up to facing anyone.
She may be one who does want to be asked. Be intuitive to her signals, and if you do ask, do so gently. But most of those I know do not want to be asked.
Don’t treat her like an alien though. She’s more than her struggles. Speak to her as you would to any good friend. You can mention your children, just don’t overdo it and don’t complain about them.
Above all, she wants you to be real and not be too afraid to speak. So if you ever slip up, apologize. You’re human too.
Again, these are just my thoughts.
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amother
OP
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 9:45 pm
amother [ White ] wrote: | I'm expecting my first and my older sibling has been waiting for a couple of years already. What do you think is the most thoughtful sensitive way to tell them? |
Tell them before you tell others (if it’s not too late). Chances are they’ll appreciate you for respecting their dignity and not having to find out from others. Sooner or later they’ll find out, so you may as well do it early enough before they have a chance of finding out - it happens so easily.
It depends what type of person she is. Whether she’s an in-person type, phone, etc.
Personally I’d prefer the phone. It’s more respectful than a text or email, yet it’s not face to face so they don’t feel put on the spot.
It’s normal for her to feel sad. It doesn’t mean she’s not happy for you. She can feel both at once.
Since you’re asking, I’m assuming you’re a sensitive person. So I don’t need to say much about not complaining about pregnancy to her / around her (not to say you can’t mention it - but there’s a difference between speaking about facts vs complaining).
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amother
Pewter
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 9:49 pm
amother [ White ] wrote: | I'm expecting my first and my older sibling has been waiting for a couple of years already. What do you think is the most thoughtful sensitive way to tell them? |
As someone who has been in your sister's position more than once, I always appreciated when people called me up and just told me straight out, such as "I wanted to let you know I'm expecting".
Don't tell everyone else before her.
Don't push off telling her till a month later than you would have.
Don't say "Iyh by you too".
Follow her lead after that. If she asks you questions, answer them normally. If she doesn't, don't go on and on about the pregnancy.
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amother
Fern
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 11:04 pm
When my friend calls me crying about a failed cycle, what does that mean? What did she go through?
How long? Cost? pain?
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amother
Mistyrose
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 11:07 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | Not at the moment and I don’t know if and when I’ll be ready again. It costs so much (just to try) and my pregnancy would be very high risk. | how much does a full cycle cost? I would love to personally sponsor someone's treatment, just don't know how much it would cost
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mrsnistar
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Wed, Oct 06 2021, 11:10 pm
Thank you for doing this! It's very brave of you, and I'm sure it takes a lot of emotional strength.
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amother
Cappuccino
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Thu, Oct 07 2021, 12:09 am
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote: | how much does a full cycle cost? I would love to personally sponsor someone's treatment, just don't know how much it would cost | Wow that would be so generous of you and a huge zechus. For us it costed about 30k all together for one cycle but the cost is split between different stuff such as medication, retrieval, transfer, and other testing so you can offer to sponsor just a part (like giving your cc to the pharmacy).
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amother
Clover
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Thu, Oct 07 2021, 12:14 am
When you say a cycle costed you 30k, how long does a cycle last from beginning to end?
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amother
OP
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Thu, Oct 07 2021, 12:27 am
amother [ Fern ] wrote: | ]When my friend calls me crying about a failed cycle, what does that mean? What did she go through?
How long? Cost? pain? |
A failed IVF cycle?
I haven’t gone recently so maybe some things changed.
It varies by person, doctor and situation, but approximately,
Logistics and physical aspects:
Early morning appointments, including ultrasounds and bloodwork every 1-2 days. (Early morning can be around 6-7:00 - often to an office a distance away, so having to rise very early. By the time they get to work they are zonked already.)
Daily injections, some very painful ones.
Retrieval is under general anesthesia and can leave her in pain.
Oftentimes a struggle of finding sperm.
If any eggs fertilize, possibly embryo testing. Waiting to see if any embryos make it.
More daily injections, often quite painful.
Transfer, and then the difficult two week wait. (Did I miss anything?)
Oftentimes quite painful and vulnerable procedures.
This is just the standard, basic. Oftentimes there’s a lot more to it.
And this is only the physical part. The emotional toll this can take is so great.
One cycle is generally a month or so. Cost varies, I’d say between 20-40k. Imagine paying that much to go to the mikvah each time.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Oct 07 2021, 12:29 am
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote: | how much does a full cycle cost? I would love to personally sponsor someone's treatment, just don't know how much it would cost |
Here too, it depends on the couple, diagnosis and circumstances. Our diagnosis generally would cost approximately 35k.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Oct 07 2021, 12:30 am
amother [ Clover ] wrote: | When you say a cycle costed you 30k, how long does a cycle last from beginning to end? |
Approximately a month or so.
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