Were you nidda on wedding night?

amother

Ghostwhite

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 2:02 am

I was. I didn't much care.
It was a 2nd wedding so we had our kids in our apt with us for a few nights.
We confided in an elderly friend and he hid in the yichud room before we entered. We all sat around eating and laughing until our time was up. The friend was a sweetheart. A really easy going zayde type.
When we were lifted on chairs, dh I think forgot so kept trying to hand me a handkerchief to hold onto. I pretended I was too afraid to grab it but I was annoyed at him for forgetting and urging me to grab the other end.
But that was all.

amother

cornflower

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 2:11 am

We were fine by wedding bh. But I became niddah almost immediately after getting to hotel and didn't get to the mikvah until 3 weeks later. It was devastating. We had a tough engagement (parents coming from diff backgrounds with diff expectations for the wedding and us in the middle) and to start off our marriage like this was extremely difficult. TH did not get easier, many challenges along the way and no connection to our chasan/kallah teachers so navigating this alone was hard. Only after many years of marriage we finally sought hadracha and got the help and support we so desperately needed as a young couple.

amother

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 2:13 am

amother [ Ghostwhite ] wrote:

Good that it worked out. As a 2nd wedding I think it would bother me more. Being intimate wouldn't have been something new, I'd actually look forward to it!

amother

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 2:16 am

amother [ cornflower ] wrote:

Sorry for your experience, especially that you didn't expect it. Also, 3 weeks is a long wait!

amother

Mintcream

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 3:34 am

Here is my very sad experience:
I was not niddah on my wedding night.
Nor did I become niddah on my wedding night.
DH was told by his chosson teacher that oral s*x was OK to do. So we did that immediately upon getting to the hotel. I was young and naive, and had been told by my kallah teacher to follow his lead on the wedding night. I thought this was normal and I was doing what my husband asked.
Long story short, after that he could not have relations as he could not become fully aroused again. He thought he'd be able to.
He then screamed at me that I was doing everything wrong and it was my fault. I didn't know what to even DO, and it was definitely not the wedding night I had dreamed about.
He gave up and I fell asleep crying.

The next day was totally awkward. He was angry in the morning. He wouldn't even let me take the wedding centerpiece his mom had given me to have flowers in the room. He yelled at me just to leave it there.or my wedding dress that I had to carry. He refused to go back to the room for a 2nd trip so I could have both.

He then called his rav to find out how to conduct ourselves in public, especially at sheva brachos. Rav said to pretend I was in niddah.

Our whole sheva brachos were spent pretending I was in niddah in public, and in private trying to have s*x. We were staying at his parents house, and his parents room was right next to ours. I just was so nervous by that point and each day it got worse.

We moved into our apartment a few days after Sheva brachos. By that point it was ona days/nights anyway. I was relieved. Then became niddah. That gave us a chance to calm down and spend time together without all the pressure of relations.

Mikvah night arrived, and it was very special. I went into niddah right away again, so that was tough! But we, again, were able to spend time together.

I wish the wedding night and sheva brachos had been different. I wish we hadn't been by my in-laws the whole time. I wish dh had a different chossen teacher. I wish many things.

Honestly, being niddah at the wedding would have been much better than what I went through.

amother

Seashell

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 3:50 am

amother [ Mintcream ] wrote:

This literally sounds like abuse. If DH did any of that I would of left him.

I mean we didn't have s-x till a week after, not cuz I was niddah because I was scared. DH took my lead and we had fun just cuddling and stuff for a week.

Does DH still treat you like that?

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 4:04 am

I was very embarrassed that so many people knew I had my period. After being so shy about it all my teenage life, suddenly all these people I just met, including the rabbi and my new mother in law knew I had it! I felt humiliated.
I will say though that I later found out that all of my sister's and all but one of my sister in laws also were niddah at their weddings too - and I did not realize at their weddings, they told me afterwards. I think people are too distracted and don't really chap at the time.
I was disappointed not to take more what I would have called romantic wedding pics, but we're married almost 25 years and it's the last thing on my mind now

mrsnistar

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 8:04 am

OP, I don't know if I'm naive or clueless, but it seems from the posts that there's an issue with yichud if a kallah was a niddah at the time of her wedding... Why? I never knew that! That's so, so interesting!!
I guess you can tell that, thankfully, I was not a niddah at my wedding... Though I did become a niddah that night. I didn't make it through my zayin nekiyim before I got my period. Then I got a terrible cut that required stitches. I got my stitches out ultra-early, but still not early enough to make it to the mikva on time. When I finally did become tehora, I then became a nidda again (first time wasn't complete, apparently)... Then got my period...

Long story short... it was really tough... I was married a long time and had only been pure for like 5 hours... It was so hard with all the harchakos and stuff...

amother

Cappuccino

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 8:34 am

amother [ Mintcream ] wrote:

This story is really disturbing me.
I can't imagine any regular frum chosson asking for Oral first thing on his wedding night.
Was it a second marriage for him?

amother

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 9:00 am

amother [ Mintcream ] wrote:

This story is so sad. I thought it'll end that you left him.

amother

Green

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 9:33 am

amother [ Cappuccino ] wrote:

This story is really disturbing me.
I can't imagine any regular frum chosson asking for Oral first thing on his wedding night.
Was it a second marriage for him?

I actually did that much earlier than regular -- not frum yet and not married yet. I think a lot of secular people do.

I took some convincing and found it so difficult and unpleasant at first

discovering regular after marriage, so much nicer.

(but I think we did oral on wedding night too, didn't want pressure of trying new thing while tired, didn't want niddah)

I agree very disturbing story!

amother

Viola

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 10:23 am

I was and was devastated about it. We also had a longer dating and engagement period so it was very hard for us. We had to stay in someone else's house and it was so awkward. I was so happy that I was married but it was so hard bec we got to act married and spend all our time together but couldn't even be intimate yet. I ended up going to mikvah after sheva brachos. Looking back it doesnt even make a difference but at the time it was excruciating especially for my dh.

amother

Honeydew

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 10:39 am

amother [ Blue ] wrote:

I did
I hadn't had my period in a couple of years but I went on bc before my wedding and ended up getting my period thanks to my body responding to that!

I was upset because I knew my husband would be upset/disappointed.

My cycles weren't regular but they had been more consistent in the months leading up to the wedding and I was advised to NOT take the pill as it had a reputation of causing more harm than good and like I said in my earlier post my dates SHOULD've worked, but then I had a short cycle, followed by a long one and I got my period the night before I would've gone to the mikvah before our wedding. My chosson/husband was really nice and sweet about it and "man plans, G-d laughs" has been our mantra our whole married life.

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 10:43 am

amother [ Honeysuckle ] wrote:

Not chuppas niddah but I offered it on wedding night since I wasn't ready to have full intercourse yet. DH said yes lol

This is so different from a naive kallah “following her chosson’s lead”. My unpopular opinion is that a young chosson and kallah should not be taught about oral. Iyh when they are comfortable with each other, they can discover it on their own and do it because they (primarily she!) wants to.