I am married to a man with mental illness AMA

amother

DarkCyan

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 2:01 am

What kind of illness?
Did you know about it before getting married?
Do you consider yourself mentally healthy?
Do you feel that you need to compensate for him?
Do you feel that the treatment he is on is helping?

amother

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 2:06 am

DarkCyan wrote:

Quote:

What kind of illness?

Complex PTSD and Clinical depression and ADD.

Quote:

Did you know about it before getting married?

No, and neither did my husband. It took a good two - three years of me seeing that something was not right and me asking him to go talk to someone, until he finally did and then was diagnosed.

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Do you consider yourself mentally healthy?

Yes, very much so.

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Do you feel that you need to compensate for him?

Yes, also very much so. Life is not at all what I imagined it, not even close. Sometimes I feel like I have one more child than I do because of how much I have to do because of his illnesses.

Quote:

Do you feel that the treatment he is on is helping?

A bit. He is on medication which helps with his anger and a little bit with his depression, but he is also in therapy and that Im not really sure about. So yes and no really.

amother

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 2:07 am

Teomima wrote:

Btdt, don't need to ask a thing, but sending you hugs because I know you probably need them.

Thanks Teomima. Hugs are always appreciated. And right back at you. Hug

WhatFor

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 2:42 am

amother [ Buttercup ] wrote:

How could one not know of having an illness? Didn't his parents see he's off?

People who have mental illness don't always look or seem "off". I don't know about OP's situation but often CPTSD is the result of a dysfunctional (possibly abusive) childhood. The dysfunctional parents may be too dysfunctional themselves and/or neglectful to identify an issue in their child. If someone is mentally ill, that may be the only reality they know. Why would you assume someone could diagnose themselves with mental illness?

amother

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 4:31 am

amother [ Buttercup ] wrote:

How could one not know of having an illness? Didn't his parents see he's off?

Many? Most? People who are mentally ill are not walking around drooling and talking to themselves. If you saw my husband on the street, you would never know that he lives with mental illnesses.
The CPTSD is from his entire childhood. His father was and still is verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive. My husband and all of his siblings and even his mother all have cptsd. It comes out differently for each person. I think that while he was in the thick of it, his parents couldnt or wouldnt see it. I saw something as I came from a loving stable very functional home. So it was very apparent to me that something was off with him, but not by looking at him. It was how he acted to me, how he talked. Again, nobody could really see this just by looking at him.

amother

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 4:32 am

WhatFor wrote:

Exactly this.

amother

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 4:50 am

Success10 wrote:

What's the one main thing that made you stick with him through it all?

I think the one thing that has kept me in this marriage is fear of being on my own.
I do love him, but many times Im really not sure why I stay, to be honest. We did almost end the marriage a few years ago but marriage counseling helped a lot.
Its kind of like Im d@mned if I do and Im d@mned if I dont.

Success10

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 5:26 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm sorry. It sounds like a huge nisayon.

Do you tell your parents/siblings about your struggles with dh?

amother

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 5:53 am

Success10 wrote:

I'm sorry. It sounds like a huge nisayon.

Do you tell your parents/siblings about your struggles with dh?

I did. At one point my husband was having a lot of anger issues, to put it mildly. And it really looked like he was verbally abusing me. He was not and I had already started my own therapy (support group for women of mentally ill men) and knew how to hold my own and give it back to him. But my parents were not in the know. So I actually sat down and talked to them (it was very sad actually because I explained about my husband's abusive childhood and they had met my inlaws once and boy did they put on a good show) and now, a lot of it is out in the open with them.
Thankfully my siblings and I are very close so they know. I am so grateful that I can discuss things like this with them.

amother

Periwinkle

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 7:17 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Does your husband know that your family knows?

amother

Mauve

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 9:22 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I'm also married to a husband with mental illness.
I would add that trying to do what's best for my kids has also kept me here.

amother

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 10:20 am

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

Does your husband know that your family knows?

Yes, we are very open about his mental illness with each other.

amother

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 10:22 am

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

I'm also married to a husband with mental illness.
I would add that trying to do what's best for my kids has also kept me here.

And for me this is something that I think about every day, that, if I am staying, is this hurting my children. They know about my husband's mental issues as well (they are all teens) and sometimes I think that dafka because of my kids, I should leave. But I think this will just be something that I think about for the rest of my life. Crying

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 10:23 am

my dad had terrible anger issues he threw things banged on walls I wish my mom divorced him
she stayed with him till she died at age 81 she suffered till the end

amother

Mauve

Thu, Oct 07 2021, 10:37 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

For the most part, I think my husband is more stable because he's married to me. Most of the time we have a pretty stable home (he's on meds), happy for the children (me is a different story because I compensate for him so much in so many areas, I do everything, deal with everything....), regular family structure and if I would leave him, I'm pretty sure he would go off his meds and be much more unstable, and he would still be their father and they would have to deal with that.

My kids are also teens/young adults. Sometimes I wonder what will be when they are all grown up and out.....

amother

Fri, Oct 08 2021, 8:30 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

my dad had terrible anger issues he threw things banged on walls I wish my mom divorced him
she stayed with him till she died at age 81 she suffered till the end

Same as my mil. She is in her late 70s. Will never leave. Its sad to hear her on the phone now Sad