What happened on Shabbos...

amother

Sat, Oct 09 2021, 11:50 pm

Here is the situation.

A guy makes a simcha, he marries off his daughter. At the Shabbos sheva brachos, his father wants to speak, so he is mechabed his father to speak.

The father gets up to speak, and it becomes immediatly clear to his own family that the father sounds off. He is talking and talking, but not making so much sense. He thinks he is being very brilliant and entertaining. His own kids realize that he is simply making a fool of himself and pray for the speech to end.

The minutes pass. Ten minutes turns into twenty minutes, and the father is still talking. But this point not many people are still listening. But the father has no intention of winding down. His sons and grandsons try to signal to him that he should end the speech by walking around. The son ( the baal simcha) stands up and puts his arm on his father to let him know that it's time to end, but the father doesn't get the hint. He is so convinced that the audience is enthralled. He is delusional and completely missing social cues.

After 30 minutes, no one, save for the chassan and the chassan's grandfather are still looking at the speaker. Everyone else is talking, walking around...the father doesn't realize. The children are mortified. The son tries again and again to hint to the father to stop.

Finally, the young men in the crowd burst into singing zemiros, and with that, the grandfather sits down.

For the rest of the seuda, he complains that he was nor allowed to finish his speech. He posed a powerful question but did not get to answer it. The sons try to tell him that it was too long. He says it was just 5 minutes.

The father feels very insulted that he was asked to step down. He feels his speech was by far the best, it was worth more than $10,000. (Don't ask me what this means but that's what he said.)

The next day, by the daytime seuda, he tells his son he would like to speak again. He left the audience hanging and he needs to finish the speech. The son tells him that everyone only got one chance to speak, but the father tells him 30 times that he would like to speak. Everyone knows that if the father gets up to speak, it will be the same story as the night before.

The children feel that the father made a public spectacle of himself, and they cannot let him embarrass himself again. But he puts tremendous pressure on his son that he wants to speak.

The meal ends without the father speaking again (there were way too many speeches as it was) . The father is so disappointed at not being able to finish his speech that he spends the whole evening telling anyone who would listen what he was planning to say and how he was planning to say it, and what a shame that he wasn't able to finish.

True story. So sad.

amother

Oatmeal

Sat, Oct 09 2021, 11:59 pm

You described my grandfather. He does this at every simcha. Even at the one's he's not meant to speak at. He always gets up to talk and doesn't stop.
It's part of life.....

dena613

Sat, Oct 09 2021, 11:59 pm

Sounds like dementia?

amother

Topaz

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 12:01 am

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. It seems it was quiet an embarrassing/uncomfortable occurrence for the people involved. Why spread it, even anonymously?

causemommysaid

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 12:11 am

amother [ Topaz ] wrote:

I'm not sure what the point of this post is. It seems it was quiet an embarrassing/uncomfortable occurrence for the people involved. Why spread it, even anonymously?

Maybe to get opinions on how to handle it going forward?

Dementia is a very sad illness. The person doesn't even know they are losing their faculties. The advice we got was to play along and not make the person upset by correcting them or telling them something didn't happen etc. because it won't help.

In this case, maybe the best thing to do is let him keep speaking and just continue with the meal since he didn't realize no one was listening anyway. All around sad and uncomfortable. I'm sorry that happened.

amother

Oatmeal

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 12:16 am

causemommysaid wrote:

It doesn’t mean it's dementia. My grandfather has been doing this ever since. He doesn't have dementia, he just loves to talk. He even gives a shuir on shabbos to seniors that are mostly deaf.

amother

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 12:41 am

dena613 wrote:

Sounds like dementia?

Never thought of that. This is the first time it's happened.

amother

Oatmeal

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 1:16 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Never thought of that. This is the first time it's happened.

If it's the first time it happened, it can definitely be early onset dementia. Maybe bring it up with the family.

amother

Orange

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 1:23 am

Sounds like my relative

amother

Dustypink

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 1:44 am

Sounds like a lot of older men…..
Doesn’t have to be dementia. There’s usually one of those speeches at every Simcha.

amother

Khaki

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 1:45 am

It objectively sounds like dementia

amother

Tealblue

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 7:43 am

Op, just curious- how old is the father/grandfather?

amother

Alyssum

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 7:51 am

I was at a wedding (in a place where people speak at weddings) and this happened when the Chossons father got up and spoke. I felt so bad for the Chosson and Kallah but I think everyone took it in stride.

tweety1

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 7:51 am

It does not sound like dementia at all. It sounds like he knows exactly what he's doing. We have a relative doing the exact same thing. It's part of life and part of kibud uv.

amother

Iris

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 7:55 am

Awkward
Let it go
Tell him people these days don’t have patience at these events for lengthy kashas and drashos
And he can write it up for them if he chooses
Empathize

FranticFrummie

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 8:33 am

Does he have mood swings that turn to depression, and then he gets all happy and chatty again? If so, it could be Bipolar mania.

Over chol hamoed I was invited to the neighbors for a seudah, and when someone asked me a question about myself I went on and on. I was so embarrassed, but I Could Not Shut Up!

I kept telling myself "There are other guests at the table. You want to know more about them. Ask them some questions, and then give them time to answer. People don't need to hear my whole life!"

I still kept talking, and I felt really out of control. I couldn't wait to get home so I could unwind and get back to myself.

B'H I was invited back for another meal, but by then I was depressed and didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to get dressed or leave my house, so I told them I didn't feel well.

Ugh. I really hope my neighbors just think that I'm lonely, and not totally crazy. Confused

amother

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 11:47 am

amother [ Tealblue ] wrote:

Op, just curious- how old is the father/grandfather?

Not yet 70. I think 68.

Bubby6

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 12:20 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

I always tell myself not to talk so much and then I become very chatty. I always regret it, but can't keep my mouth shut when I get high on being with company. I relate so much to what happened to you.

groovy1224

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 12:30 pm

tweety1 wrote:

It does not sound like dementia at all. It sounds like he knows exactly what he's doing. We have a relative doing the exact same thing. It's part of life and part of kibud uv.

OP said he wasn't making any sense. It's not just about the inappropriate length of the speech. This incident should be brought up to this man's doctor, 100%.

imasinger

Sun, Oct 10 2021, 12:33 pm

Since it is a behavioral change, it absolutely should be discussed with both physical and mental health professionals if possible.

The scene is heartbreaking.

In the interest of kavod, I'd suggest inviting the gentleman to either record or write down his thoughts (assuming it's still bothering him). Baalei simcha can cheerfully send it out to the guests, who can equally cheerfully ignore it.