I spoil my kids AMA

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:53 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

If they don't want to hold it till we find a garbage I hold it for them while we find one. I model. I once realized that as I got older I wasn't doing the things my mother trained me to do. I was doing the things my mother did herself.

But if the way you model is that they aren't expected to do anything in the house and that you clean up their messes, what you're modeling is that this is what they're supposed to do with they'll be a mom ih.

tp3

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:53 am

I agree a lot is personality based. I trained my kids since they were 2 years old to clean up after themselves. Around age 8-10 they realize hey, I don't want to do this anymore, and they stop. What's wrong with a messy room? Why do I have to make my bed? Who wants clean sheets anyway? What's the difference if there are crumbs on the floor? Who cares if you ask me every day to eat by the table, the couch is more comfortable. Why do books need to go back on the shelf? I'm too lazy to run this upstairs I'll just stick it on the stairs for now.

Multiply that by 5 teens and goodbye clean house. 5 toddlers all play blocks, magnatiles, menchies, and cars, and then we sing "clean up clean up" till the house is clean.
Teens make a much bigger mess, hands down.

The teen who makes his bed every morning does it because it's his personality. The one who wakes up every morning at 6:30 AM on the dot without an alarm clock, it's not because I trained him. And the one who sleeps late and refuses to make his bed is also not because I trained him that way.

Personality takes over and you work with what you've got.

Last edited by tp3 on Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:58 am; edited 1 time in total

ora_43

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 10:55 am

Since we're talking cleaning...

I think older kids create less mess as a general rule.

I think the main thing is that kids

1. understand that they produce mess, and that the mess is their responsibility (obv a 3-year-old doesn't need to know this! but like, a 10-year-old should not be unaware that laundry is a chore that requires doing by someone, and a 14-year-old shouldn't feel like washing her dirty shirts is her parents' job - if her parents choose to do it, great, but she should be thankful for that).

2. know how to clean, cook, etc, if they have to.

And that parents

1. not sacrifice their own time, energy, hopes, dreams, etc, more than is healthy. Pursuing your dreams and also cooking 3 separate dinners for 3 separate kids? Sure, why not. Everyone shows love in their own way. Cooking 3 dinners every night and pushing your own dreams off for yet another year because there's never a free minute in the day? Problem.

As long as kids know that socks don't clean themselves and how the laundry machine works, and as long as parents haven't sacrificed their entire selves on the altar of Childhood - whatever works for you, works for you...

(and of course it's possible to go too far in the other direction, too, and that creates all kinds of problems of its own)

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 11:04 am

tp3 wrote:

You're right that different kids have different personality. That's different from kids being brought up and used to that mom is the live in maid and they can leave messes and don't need to pitch in.

amother

Wallflower

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 11:05 am

tp3 wrote:

That's what I was trying to say. My father and my husband both grew up in all boy households and they had to clean. I have not caught either one of them cleaning a thing in all the years I know them (dh will pay lip service to cleaning, but honestly, I can't tell the difference before and after he cleaned something). We've had a lot of discussions about this and he's gotten better, but the point I'm making is - training children only works as long as the authority - the mom - is in the room. Older children may have the potential to make bigger messes, but they are also old enough to have conversations and be reasoned with. And I'm not going to say I've NEVER bribed them to clean. I don't see anything wrong with that - it works.

tp3

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 11:14 am

amother [ Bluebonnet ] wrote:

You're right that different kids have different personality. That's different from kids being brought up and used to that mom is the live in maid and they can leave messes and don't need to pitch in.

Definitely. My teens and younger pitch in even if they think cleaning is the biggest waste of time. Not so much because I need their help (sometimes I do) but because it is good for them to learn how to clean, to know how nice it feels to live in a clean home, and when I give them chores they learn skills like organizing clutter and breaking jobs down into smaller manageable tasks. They also need to internalize a that a mensch doesn't drop something for someone else to pick up.

amother

Mintcream

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 11:19 am

I'm trying to imagine how this would go in my house if I gave my kids everything they wanted. Asking honestly and sincerely.
My kids would stay up late, and be exhausted and cranky the next day. They'd live in a mess because I don't have the energy to clean up the whole house everyday or money to hire cleaning help. They'd be so unhealthy never eating healthy foods and always wanting nosh and noodle soups. Why would they do homework. Where would I have the space to collect all the toys and games they want. I just don't get how it works.
Do you work? Do you spend your day cooking and cleaning? Do you get to do things you enjoy?
Actually - how many kids do you have and how old are they?
How do you respond when they ask for the latest toy advertised? And to.go on outings? And eat out?

amother

Maroon

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 11:24 am

Just a thought that came to mind: Do parents ask their children to change diapers, or take care of the mail, pay bills , taxes , take care of insurance , write checks and so on. These are chores that we do that many children aren’t involved in. They probably know it has to get done, see us doing it and talking about it, but Most children and teens do not actually do those things. As adults it needs to be done, and somehow we learn how to do it very quickly even though we didn’t practice it as kids. It’s good to teach your kids to clean up and be responsible. Can someone who wasn’t taught that still learn to do it? Yes. Can someone who learned it and practiced it still be bad at it? Absolutely.

amother

Pistachio

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 11:29 am

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

The things I never learned to do I really struggle with as an adult. We learned to write and balance checks in school. Even though I wasn’t in charge of mail, insurance etc... I was taught about it. It’s hard to break habits and it’s hard to learn new skills. And many people are not able to learn new skills really quickly hence why so many adults are dysfunctional.

amother

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 11:31 am

To clarify and answer some questions. Older kids I just let them have a messy room. If I want to I clean it up. If they want to they clean it up. I don't have older girls who like cooking and baking. When I do I think I will be grateful for the food they made and not demand they clean it up.

The way my house runs. Kids make the bus or I drive them. As long as there aren't issues at school they go. I pack them up mostly. Some of them I dress. In the afternoon and evening I do laundry, clean up. I ask if they want to help out. They generally like to be near me while I do chores. When I really can't do things they sense that and try to be extra helpful. We have lots of friends over and it's a generally happy house. We go to the library together and pick out books sometimes. We read a lot. Supper they all have things they especially like and it's usually very simple things like a tuna sandwich, fried eggs etc..I will encourage them to eat healthy. The kids usually have more nosh then I like but usually won't go into the closet without my permission. At night we have a bedtime routine for each child which generally includes reading and shmoozing. The kids do fight but I tell them to come to me instead of hurting each other. It works sometimes. I teach them all the time to have empathy and to be kind. My kids are actually not the easiest kids but like I have said I do what is working for them and for me now. In general we love each other and they know they can count on me. I have their back.

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 11:36 am

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Not all adults learn quickly and can do these things well. Not at all. You'd be surprised how many adults are dependent on others to do basic stuff. You'd be surprised how many women can't keep house because they were never given the skills to.

amother

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 11:58 am

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

Honest question.

When you walk through a store like amazing savings.

Do your kids
Ask for nothing
Ask for one thing
Ask for everything.

When I go my kids ask for every single item they have in the store regardless what it is.

If they ask do you say yes and just buy it no questions asked.

Depends on the kid. I'm general they do want at least one thing. If it's something small then I just say yes. One kid always wants things that are big. I make it very clear they I am not buying that. If they cry or nag I hold my ground. I try not to take this kid along Bec I know it's going to be painful but sometimes it just works out that way. Even if they tell me that they won't beg, once we get to the store this kid can't control themself 🙂

amother

DarkPurple

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 12:17 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

My kids mostly don't ask. I make it clear before what our intentions in the store are. One of them has big eyes, I give her empathy and understanding. "yeah that's a great cute toy.. Maybe one day...."I usually buy them at least a little something or more things if I think its good for them to have it. Cute story I was in dollor tree chol hamoed and father commented to his kids how happy my kids looked. I answered yeah because they are getting everything they want. I made up a $5 budget but one kid was having a hard time with the budget and I didnt think the pressure was good for her so I took away the budget and we bought everything we thought we would enjoy. (and it wasn't more than $10 each kid including activities for the day.) and the kids felt well taken care of.

amother

Pistachio

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 12:19 pm

amother [ DarkPurple ] wrote:

I’m confused do you set expectations or get them whatever they want?

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 1:44 pm

amother [ Bluebonnet ] wrote:

So I’m confused.
Allowing my kid to pick something within budget is teaching lifelong skills.
Not spoiling.

amother

Bluebonnet

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 1:46 pm

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

So I’m confused.
Allowing my kid to pick something within budget is teaching lifelong skills.
Not spoiling.

Right. But this is about kids pitching in and cleaning up after themselves. It's a reply to a poster that said that as adults they'll know what to do even if they were never taught those skills.

amother

Babyblue

Mon, Oct 11 2021, 1:50 pm

amother [ Bluebonnet ] wrote:

Right. But this is about kids pitching in and cleaning up after themselves. It's a reply to a poster that said that as adults they'll know what to do even if they were never taught those skills.

I guess to me spoiling means you don’t say no. Or rarely say no.
You get most of what you want when you want as long as it is affordable.

I do know ppl that are crippled by that as adults.

But allowing kids to learn how to make decisions and make independent choices and budget is great.