Why is no one working and how do they live?

amother

Clear

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 1:50 am

amother [ Clematis ] wrote:

I was working very full time, the price of commuting, babysitting and takeout took out half my salary. So now I "stay home" and still spend money on cleaning help but everyone wins and this is the cost of life. I have no idea what dh makes but he encourages this

How/why do you have no idea what your husband makes?

Teomima

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 2:02 am

I was the main, and mostly sole, breadwinner for the first decade of our marriage (while dh was in university). Then dh started working and I took some time off to be a sahm. Currently he works two jobs, I do some occasional freelance work, but dh has a lot of mental health issues that keep him from being able to cope with the house and kids much which means it's all on me, leaving me less availability to work more, for now. So for the most part we are managing on his salary alone. The way we do it is by tightening the belt buckle, a lot. I don't go out clothes shopping or getting waxings or whatever. I don't have cleaning help, I don't order takeout, I don't buy new outfits for the holidays or seasonal wardrobes for my kids. If you can afford to do these things on your husband's salary alone, awesome, go for it. But you need to budget and figure out of that's realistic for you. If you don't have the money to do it, then don't. Relying on Hashem to provide, without at least reviewing your finances and figuring out your budget, is, imho, rather irresponsible.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 2:08 am

amother [ Clematis ] wrote:

Huh? How? WHy? I would have thought that this is one of those bits of information that spouses of course, share with each other when they start a new job. And how do you live without knowing how much money your husband is bringing in?

ETA: I see someone else had the same question.

LovesHashem

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 3:07 am

I know people who value staying home with their kids, they believe its detrimental to send a child under 3 out of the house. They sacrifice and make it work, their husband has a decent paying job, and they figure it out.

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 3:09 am

My mental health makes it really hard for me to work. Thankfully I'm on disability, so that pays all the bills (Israel) Currently, I'm pushing myself to work right now and putting whatever I'm making into savings.

But I can't do this for more than a few more months. I can't live like this. DH is in college and hopefully disability and government money will tide us over until he's done.

As a new immigrant his college is free, so that's a huge plus too.

ora_43

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 3:21 am

I mean I obviously don't know the budgets of your specific friends in Lakewood.

But overall? When your kids are little, an at-home parent is also 'earning' a lot. Having one parent home doesn't mean losing 100% of that person's salary, because that person is now available to be with the kids, cook, and clean. Which can easily be worth 40%-60% of a full-time salary.

If the family can cut costs a little, that explains another 10%-20%. And they probably can cut costs, if the whole situation is temporary. Beyond the stuff like baking your own cakes instead of buying, they might have seriously cut retirement savings or other savings, for example. Not ideal but doable if it's only for a couple of years.

So there's not necessarily that much money to replace. Like, it's far from nothing, but it's more like losing one-third of a salary for 2-3 years than 100% of a salary forever. The kind of thing that could easily be covered by, say, the husband getting a raise, or them borrowing money from a parent, or getting a small inheritance from a grandparent or a generous tax refund or... etc.

Could also be that some of them are doing some very part-time work from home.

amother

Lilac

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 3:22 am

Like others have said above, we live extremely simply and I do work part time from home while my baby naps/at night. We're making it work for this year, honestly though even though we made calculations based on living extremely simply, things always come up (2 siblings weddings already this year bh) and our calculations don't cover things. We are literally living on hashem's brochos (last month our building suddenly announced a tishrei fund of $500 no questions asked, month before my husband got an unexpected raise etc), and I don't recommend planning to live your life that way but I also strongly believe that you need to do what's right for your family and if you do your hishtadlus, Hashem will do his part as well. Like don't rely on miracles but do believe, have bitachon.

And yes, I'm Chabad in case anyone was wondering - I do think this mindset is somewhat common amongst Lubavitchers, it's what the Rebbe told us many times especially in relation to raising families.

But again you can't rely on miracles!! Have to have some way that it makes sense that it would work.

ora_43

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 3:25 am

I definitely wouldn't quit work just because other people seem to make it work. (Also wouldn't quit for the sake of relaxed mid-morning shopping, because IME most of what makes it possible is the at-home parent taking over daycare, and shopping with toddlers is not exactly relaxing.)

But if it's something you want to do - and there really are advantages, and in some ways it really can be more relaxed - then it's worth looking at your budget and seeing if you can swing it for a while.

(also keep in mind your industry, some are easier to step out of and then step right back in, some jobs are easier to do as freelance/part-time, etc)

amother

Bellflower

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 3:34 am

For the first 25 years of my marriage I was the main breadwinner. And I was pg or nursing for many of those years. It was hard. Like you are now, I was getting my kids ready for school, commuting, working, shopping, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, homework with the kids (DH did not help much and when he did there were always arguments.) and then dropping into bed exhausted (and often being asked for relations but that's another story). Wash rinse repeat.
DH worked at various jobs and earned OK, but not great and was often between jobs. He did well enough that we managed for the year early in our marriage and again late in our marriage that I was out of work.
Now DH has found his calling and is earning well b"h. I now work part-time from home and earn about 1/2 of what I earned earlier in my career. I have time for mid-day waxings, going out for lunch with friends and catching my kids' school productions. At this point we also have savings, investments and returns on our investments. We are nearing retirement and have retirement savings.
Bottom line - It gets easier.

Mayflower

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 3:38 am

I went from working full-time to working mornings only. We found out it comes out only a few hundred dollars / month less!
We're in a lower tax bracket now, so that makes a big difference, plus we get more child benefits since it's tied to income, and I spend less on child care. (I'm not in the US so not sure how the same scenario would play out there.)
The only downside is that I have more time for shopping so I spend quite a bit more on clothing.

amother

Green

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 3:49 am

I work part-time from home.

This saves on babysitting, puts us in a lower tax bracket, and we are eligible for benefits. (Not in the US.)

If I work I’ll make a few dollars more a month, but we won’t get benefits and after we pay taxes id come home with very little.

Where I live a lot of moms are home for this reason.

tree of life

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 4:49 am

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

How did u get college for free in Israel. Thanks

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 4:55 am

tree of life wrote:

How did u get college for free in Israel. Thanks

If you have disability, are an Oleh Chadash, or are Chareidi you can go for free. Tell me which one is relevant for you and I can tell you how to get it.

amother

Ruby

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 4:57 am

For us it was about priorities. We chose between having a nicer home, being able to eat out more vs. me raising my own kids.

So I don't work out of the home but it's not so that I can go shopping and get my nails done.

We live very simply.

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 5:13 am

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

If you have disability, are an Oleh Chadash, or are Chareidi you can go for free. Tell me which one is relevant for you and I can tell you how to get it.

Why would charedim go to college for free? I understand the other 2, its part of zchyot.

Elfrida

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 5:25 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Why would charedim go to college for free? I understand the other 2, its part of zchyot.

It's no automatic and it's mainly for men and linked to low socioeconomic status. There are lot of grants available to help chareidi men cover the cost of further education, on the basis that that is the only way they will be able to enter the workforce, and in the long term it will save the government money.

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 5:25 am

shabbatiscoming wrote:

Why would charedim go to college for free? I understand the other 2, its part of zchyot.

The government and many organizations want Chareidim to go to college more. Therefore there's a lot of grants, and money you can get. Most people I know had so much money from grants, they had an extra 2-3k leftover to just spend.

My husband did go through an organization that helps Chareidim in college, get into college, find the right fit, etc - but he did not apply for any grants since Misrad Haliyah will pay it all, much easier than going and applying for 10-20 different grants.

amother

Lavender

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 5:28 am

I always worked until my twins came along, here in England you get paid 9 months maternity leave. I really can't go back to work if I want to be a sane mother for the rest of the family and so I put my belief in Hashem and I am never disappointed. On the last month of my pay my DH got a very nice raise.
Thank you Hashem
. just to let you know emuna and bitachon is hishtadlus also, I always get amazed at how Hashem looks after me.
And yes, I am always thinking when I am in trouble how is Hashem going to solve it this time, and the results are amazing time and time again.
I can write books on my stories.

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Oct 12 2021, 5:31 am

Elfrida wrote:

That's not true. I have a friend who learned computer science at Machon Tal, completely free. Female, and had extra money from grants. Another friend learned phycology somewhere else and also went for free due to all the grants.

It's definitely available for women as well.

It may be linked to socioeconomic status. The vast majority of Chareidim I know are living month to month, and the expenses for a family with 7 kids, 10 kids, it just never ending. The people I know who wouldn't be able to apply, are doing well enough they can well afford the 10-15k shekels a year.