Home

Does your live-in join you for meals?

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Household Management -> Kosher Kitchen


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Oct 12 2021, 1:31 pm
Our live-in nanny of a few months has become way too comfortable in our home. She has not so subtly indicated that as a ‘member’ of the family, she would like to join our meals including Shabbos. Trouble is that she hijacks our family time and overrides the kids talking about their day and divrei Torah. We’ve told her on numerous occasions that this is their time- but she too is bursting to talk and believes adults come first.

How outlandish would it be to ask her not to join in on meals anymore and how do we say it?
Back to top

amother




Pearl
 

Post Tue, Oct 12 2021, 1:40 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Our live-in nanny of a few months has become way too comfortable in our home. She has not so subtly indicated that as a ‘member’ of the family, she would like to join our meals including Shabbos. Trouble is that she hijacks our family time and overrides the kids talking about their day and divrei Torah. We’ve told her on numerous occasions that this is their time- but she too is bursting to talk and believes adults come first.

How outlandish would it be to ask her not to join in on meals anymore and how do we say it?

A relative of mine has a live-in and she joins her for meals. She doesn't say anything usually though.

I don't really see the point since her job is to help out with little kids. So davka when everyone is eating, it would be helpful if she occupied kids so the parents can eat and talk.
In fact I was once a guest in the house where the hostess hired a helper to entertain my baby while I eat. I found it so special.
Their job would also be to clean up after the meal and put out/away food..

Anyways I see your point and I would be annoyed. What if you start finding jobs for her while you eat. Like, "Dear A, can you please eat earlier today because I will need you to prepare XYZ while we are eating first course?" Etc.
Back to top

amother




Tanzanite
 

Post Tue, Oct 12 2021, 1:44 pm
No- I would find that to be her down time or time to clean up etc whatever worked for me as her employee
Rework her schedule and let her know that time is her whatever time you deem best
Not outlandish it is about what works for you also you have already told her and it is not up for debate
Back to top

hesha




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 12 2021, 1:51 pm
She sounds like she does not have healthy boundaries.
I’ve had several live ins - we had wonderful relationships with all of them, and non of them thought they needed to be at the shabbos table. They all felt more comfortable eating on their own timetable when they felt hungry.
Of course all food was available to them but this lady you have sounds way too overbearing and dominating.
Back to top

#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 12 2021, 1:54 pm
No.

Explain that mealtimes are private family times.

Our family had a live-in who ate in the kitchen while we were eating in the dining room our
Shobbos/Yom Tov meals.

She never asked to join our meals.

That is not the custom.
Back to top

amother




Tiffanyblue
 

Post Tue, Oct 12 2021, 1:55 pm
I can't really offer personal experience as I've never had live in help. I would be extremely uncomfortable if that were to be the case. We are very into family time and my kids don't even like having guests because they don't feel like they can be themselves. Of course we do have guests occasionally but for the most part we really try to give our kids attention especially on Shabbos. The fact that she is so comfortable in your home would make me more nervous than anything else. Do you actually need this live and help? Or could you just have full-time help during the day? Maybe I'm just the nervous type I would not feel comfortable with another female that's obviously older than a teenager living under the same roof as me. If I needed a night nurse for a while I might have someone in the house during that. I would rather even have two employees during the day and have someone sleeping in my home.
Back to top

mrsmommy8




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 12 2021, 2:02 pm
Agreed. She is extremely overbearing and dominating. Unfortunately, she is the only one capable of helping mange our chaotic household. We have tried unsuccessfully many others and she is by far the most competent. I’m not currently working but help for me is necessary as we have 3 under 3.
Back to top

amother




Ultramarine
 

Post Tue, Oct 12 2021, 2:04 pm
mrsmommy8 wrote:
Agreed. She is extremely overbearing and dominating. Unfortunately, she is the only one capable of helping mange our chaotic household. We have tried unsuccessfully many others and she is by far the most competent. I’m not currently working but help for me is necessary as we have 3 under 3.


I think you might have to put up with her in that case.
Back to top

Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 12 2021, 2:18 pm
Honestly I would not put up with that attitude, especially not with someone I entrust my children to. I wouldn’t want my children to be cared for by someone who believes adults come first.
I’ve fired more than one very competent cleaning lady for giving me attitude.
Back to top

amother




Pearl
 

Post Tue, Oct 12 2021, 2:24 pm
mrsmommy8 wrote:
Agreed. She is extremely overbearing and dominating. Unfortunately, she is the only one capable of helping mange our chaotic household. We have tried unsuccessfully many others and she is by far the most competent. I’m not currently working but help for me is necessary as we have 3 under 3.


I haven't noticed in the OP but just tell her that you reevaluated and you would like her to eat in the kitchen on her own schedule from now on.

I like someone else's idea above that she should rest during your meal times. Make it into something positive for her.
Back to top

amother




Ivory
 

Post Wed, Nov 03 2021, 12:58 pm
A bit awkward to not be eating together since a live in nanny is part of the family, otherwise don't have live-ins or be very clear from the start your "rules". Sounds like she's reasoning that the jewish way is that everyone is welcome at the shabbos table, I would have assumed the same, actually Smile And you're saying it came from her: the wish to join your shabbos table, sounds like she has nowhere else to eat and was brave enough to ask her boss if she could join, remember she's one individual, you're a whole family, she's all alone, so what should she do? Sit by herself for shabbos?? It's not so fun to have to ask to join, gives a better feeling to get an invitation.. That being said I think it's okay to stop her from speaking over the kids. I hope you find the best solution!
Back to top

amother




Tanzanite
 

Post Wed, Nov 03 2021, 1:04 pm
Um no she is more than a regular employee however not family and best not to blur boundaries. As employer you know what works best for you.
I would make it like we appreciate her so much we want her to rest and have her own time during those only family times.
That is normal request and best to gently and kindly clarify you as the parent and employer are in charge. Good message for your kids to see as well.
It’s a win win because if you bend over backwards you will feel resentful and ultimately have to let her go.
Also were a family member to do this overstepping boundaries they would be set straight were an acquaintance to overstep repeatedly they would find they have far fewer if any future invitations.
Hugs and hatzlocha
Back to top

FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Nov 03 2021, 1:10 pm
I've never been a full time live in, but I have a lot of nanny experience where I've been considered "Part of the family" - except not entirely. There are still boundaries.

I would only sit at the table for meals if I were expressly invited. I sit and eat when the kids eat, so I can keep them engaged and at the table instead of them running off. I help feed the toddler, I chat with the older one, I clean up the mess afterwards. In other words, I make myself useful even during my lunch break.

Something really important, especially with someone who is overbearing and "take charge", is that they don't try to parent your kids. The nanny is there to help YOU, not to REPLACE you. She has to defer to all of your household rules and parenting wishes. If you two are not on the same page when it comes to parenting, you are going to butt heads more often than not.

There is nothing wrong with telling your nanny that set mealtimes are "family time". You can prepare her a plate of food, and make sure she has a nice place of her own to sit down and relax. A kitchen nook, or even a corner desk somewhere. She needs somewhere that is designated as her own, and it needs to be pleasant enough that she doesn't feel like she's been banished to the dungeon.

It sounds like you desperately need her right now, so this is a very delicate situation. I hope you can come up with the right words to approach her gently, and have her receive your words gracefully.
Back to top

ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Nov 03 2021, 1:13 pm
amother [ Pearl ] wrote:
I haven't noticed in the OP but just tell her that you reevaluated and you would like her to eat in the kitchen on her own schedule from now on.

I like someone else's idea above that she should rest during your meal times. Make it into something positive for her.
I wonder if that would work with someone like that. I don't think subtle would work here.
Back to top
Recent Topics

Page 1 of 1 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Household Management -> Kosher Kitchen

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Kimpeturin meals that are delivered in Boro park 1 Tue, Nov 23 2021, 12:20 am View last post
Weekend getaway with nearby restaurants for Shabbos meals
by amother
20 Tue, Nov 16 2021, 11:45 pm View last post
Spark Of Yiddishkeit Into Prayer: Join Chanukah Daily Dose!
by Yael
0 Sun, Nov 14 2021, 10:21 am View last post
by Yael
Healthy snacks/meals that don't hurt the stomach
by amother
3 Thu, Nov 04 2021, 8:31 am View last post
ISO meals delivered daily
by amother
6 Wed, Oct 13 2021, 1:44 pm View last post