Should I do something?

PeanutMama

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 2:30 am

My son doesn’t want me no more. I would try giving him attention and lots of hugs and kisses but he only wants tatty. It’s hard. Idk what to do.

I understand why he’s acting like that to me. Like I’m literally holding the baby and he doesn’t understand she can’t hold her own bottle or fall asleep on her own. I once tried to cuddle him while holding the baby and he pushed her roughly.
If she’s in the crib and I try to read to him or play with him he just shakes his head and starts crying.

LovesHashem

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 2:47 am

You haven't visited the place?
Seen him around the morahs?

It's seems neglectful that kids are wandering around alone, trying to climb things, and you were only told about the head banging 2 weeks in.

Just because someone runs a playgroup doesn't mean the children get taken care of well.

Did you do any research or visit the place at all before sending him there?

PeanutMama

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 4:09 am

My husband came home late today and he said the director spoke to him on the phone. While I was waiting for the daughter in law to call me he called them up to tell them about the head banging and asked if he’s happy. He says she says that the teachers say that he’s happy and behaving and plays well with the other children.

I plan to grill them more though. The daughter in law told me to do so.

Stuff like what does he do during the day, does he sleep well, follow instructions, does he participate in activities….

PeanutMama

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 4:12 am

LovesHashem wrote:

When I pick him up he’s usually playing with a toy or running around but all alone you know what I mean? Like he plays by himself? I’m not sure how to explain.

I asked around, to my friends and neighbors. Most never heard of it and I heard 2 friends tell me it’s a good place to send to

My husband took care of the applying part (he literally told me the motzai shabbos before my son started playgroup that he was going to start that week so I didn’t have time) and apparently he got the last slot. Whatever that means

LovesHashem

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 4:21 am

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

You need to visit, to pop in, see the place. Is there a schedule? Why were kids wandering and climbing things when you came? You need more info. Do they let 22 kids run around and play with toys unstructured for 2 hours while the morahs just hang out?

You need more info. You need to see it for yourself.

Elfrida

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 4:46 am

If they officially finish at 3:00, the main morahs probably leave at that time. Whatever arrangement that you and a few other parents have to stay until 4:00 is probably an assistant who is supervising them playing rather than actually doing anything with them.

It sounds a very long day for a two year old. I know that you are overwhelmed and exhausted, but is there any way you could pick him up at 3:00, together with most if the other children. It might just ease things.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 4:54 am

I don't think it is unusual to have free play during pick-up time. So kids are roaming the space and don't always interact with each other, they are pretty young too.

Yes it would be good if they watch every child closely and intervened but not always realistic in such a large playgroup of 2-3 year olds.

This all sounds so familiar to me. I want to gove you a hug.

I had 2 under 2 and when my second was born, it was too much of a shock for my first. He literally didn't want to look at me. He wanted daddy for quite a long time, at least a year. It is trauma for the older kids when they are still so young.
Even if we mean well and of course they will love a sibling later on, when they are little you will have to witness them process the stress and hurt.

I was also very overwhelmed, didn't manage my household, constantly stressed out with the colicky baby. So I wasn't attuned to my dc1 at all.

I wanted to get jobs done but there was no emotional connection between us. He was also showing weird signs and teachers were sending him to all sorts of therapy. He also developed unexplainable bouts of diarrhea and vomiting, which my ped couldn't explain. His antibody levels were high but there was no element he was allergic too.
We could not figure it out.

I must say I have to admit it was from stress. New sibling, lack of emotional connection, too little time with dh who was a better parent for him at that time, too long day at playgroup, then I started potty training... Nothing I changed until I put myself in his shoes.

I know life is hard and I know you already stress about your talk with the social worker.
Your son needs you. Instead of policing your son's daycare which may be mediocre but not awful, try to find it in yourself to connect with him. Find a sitter, urge dh to take his time to spend with your son one on one or have him take over the baby so you could do it. It is crucial.

myname1

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 5:01 am

At 2, I think playing himself is normal- as opposed to playing with other kids. My 3 year old tells me she likes to play herself, not with other kids. They get more social later, that's normal. Especially if this is officially after hours, they probably have parents popping in and not so much structure at that time. As long as they are in an enclosed space with someone watching over them, doesn't seem like a big deal. As for the head banging, it's the end of a long day and not so structured at that time, so that also makes sense (given that you've seen it at home, too). I'm assuming if the morah saw him doing it in a dangerous way, she'd do something about it.

One idea about dealing with him and the baby- maybe you can try putting the baby in a carrier so you can have more hands free to play a game or something with him. If you try to pick him up or give him a hug with a baby in a carrier, it might be easier for him to not focus on her quite as much. Hatzlocha and lots of nachas!!

amother

Wine

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 5:26 am

dena613 wrote:

I'm sorry, HNF, the head banging and word regression is extremely alarming.
Please discuss it with your pediatrician.
Hug

Has he changed in any other ways? Does he make good eye contact when you or your husband are talking to him/playing with him?

I second this. Word regression and head banging can be serious. Before you make any decisions about the playgroup, please call your pediatrician and discuss this with them.

PeanutMama

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 5:33 am

We are switching the kids.

My husband with the baby
me with my son. He literally does not want me. He would go straight for my husband and demand in his own way that he wants attention— but only from tatty. If I roll a ball towards him he ignores it or read to him he pushes the book away or takes it from me and throws it on the floor.

I’m heartbroken. I imagine it’s hard. I want to make it easier for him!! But I have no clue what to do or where to start. He rejects everything I do.

Gosh. I feel like crying right now. I just put my baby to sleep.

Will be back when I’m back.

amother

Papaya

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 5:47 am

Hashem_n_Farfel wrote:

Keep doing it even if it doesn't show improvement. Adjustment takes a long time.
Give it time.
Your baby is very young. It is all still very new for all of you!

amother

Cerise

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 5:55 am

Wow, sounds so hard!! For all of you!! I imagine this happens often but have no clue how to fix it.

My first was 1.5 when his sister was born. The night I gave birth was his first night not nursing! (I DO NOT recommend that!!) I remember, I came home and he wouldn't look at me. Later when I sat on the couch to nurse the baby, he tried to dive out of the high chair to come join. He did join and from then it was fine- he snapped out of it and decided I'm worth dealing with...

I wonder if there's something special you could do with him or give him to make him remember and realize how much you love him. I hope he gets over this quickly, for all of your sakes!! 2 is such a hard age as it is!

amother

Celeste

Thu, Oct 14 2021, 6:22 am

Playing alone CAN be normal and can also be abnormal (depending on his eye contacts, engagement...)
I remember when my baby was born my son who was 20 months at the time pushed me away when I came back from the hospital. I was heartbroken but we were back to normal within a day. Your young son had the same routine his whole life until now. Now he has baby/morah... it's a big adjustment and that is normal.

I'm thinking of you hope you are doing well! It is a hard stage to have 2 babies!! Btdt!