My three year old triggers me
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Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 4:55 am
Chickensoupprof wrote:
Maybe an advice... for some people who don't have it in their hashkafa/derech to share pregnancies with children but at least do it in the 3rd semester please. Introduce your pregnancy to your children, read a book about (there are frum books out there) of a child who comes the new brother or sister. If you are going to a kimpeturin home or have your mom/mil stay over to help you out make sure someone is looking for after your other child and give it love and everything.
I often went with the sluchim children to the park and give their attention while the mother had a baby, I also was at my post partrum friend giving her food and everything while the daddy had time to take out the other children. And explain it to the children and no you don't need to say 'Well mummys v@gina is torn and bloods like hell and is tired and has pain and needs to adjust to your new sibling' you say 'for the next month mommy will be really tired and needs to sleep and rest a lot and then mummy can do things again' and whenever you are shlepping with your infant 'Oh who wants to give the baby the socks?' or 'Who wants to help mummy with...' so the children feel that they are still important.
Also be sure you have the right people for you there. My mom had a c-section and couldn't do much when my brother was born and I was 4. She had a postpartum nurse (you get a week post-Patrum care in the Netherlands and more if you had surgery) and she sent her away. Why? Because my mom really want to let me be involved with the care of the baby because I was really loving the baby and was so happy to be a big sister and this nurse happened to sneer at me that I should not touch the baby, that the baby needs to be with mummy, that I couldn't help with formula or snuggle against my mummy something I really liked as 4 year old. And when my mom went for a nap... the nurse was only holding the baby and doing cute and ignored me.... So my mom called for another nurse who was so cute with me we did together with the baby in the bath and I could help with things... Children need that... and also know that there will be a new baby. I was totally exatic to be a big sister... A month before my mother got a baby she gave me new clothes and I cried a big time in this store. ''Mama you are a bad mother! I get new clothes and the baby doesn't the baby in your tummy is really cold because it is getting colder outside!' and I cried and cried and then my dad 'Esther... the baby is in mama's tummy... HOW will the clothing get in?'' ''WELL SHE HAS TO EAT IT...'' And then I could choose something for the baby and I gave my unborn brother a cute set... Oh so empathic why did I got the asd diangoses anyway.

OMG what a precocious child you were! I love you!!
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Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 5:39 am
Some of you have some really amazing insight, and I especially appreciate the ones who are explaining the lack of boundaries without attacking the fact that I called her my best friend.
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Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 7:29 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Some of you have some really amazing insight, and I especially appreciate the ones who are explaining the lack of boundaries without attacking the fact that I called her my best friend.

OP, I understood immediately when you said DD was your best friend. I split up with DD's father when she was around 2 years old. (He was driving drunk with her in the car. That's a red line I will not accept.)

Then it was just the two of us. She was "my buddy". One day I said to her "You're my best friend." and she looked at me and said "You can't be my best friend, you're my MOMMY! You're silly." Wow, talk about wisdom coming from the mouths of babes. Surprised

A little while later, someone mentioned the concept of "enmeshment", and I looked it up. It all made perfect sense, and helped me define my relationship with her in a healthier way.

When you love a child so deeply, especially if they are your only one, or your first, it's a love like you've never felt before, for anyone else. The emotions are very intense, and nobody tells us what the proper boundaries and structures are.

In other words, you're not weird. Very Happy
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Post Fri, Oct 15 2021, 9:57 am
You do love your dd. You just don't love her recent behavior. She's behaving like a normal 3-y/o who's been "supplanted" by a newcomer. She IS mad at you. Attention that was previously all hers is now being diverted in large part to someone she sees as an interloper. Then there's you. You're still pp, no doubt harried, exhausted and stressed out. It's hard to feel loving under those conditions. Try some self-care and stress management, and try to get some daily alone time with dd, even if it's just ten minutes at bedtime.
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